Tag Archives: critical

How to stop being judgmental and critical of others

Posted on by
Reply

“Symphonic Rejuvenation” by Mimi Stuart ©

“I’m still angry and hurt after my divorce, and I’m taking this out on others and my new guy. How can I stop being so judgmental, critical, and easily triggered?”

Although there is no easy way around feeling critical and judgmental, here are five suggestions on what to work on.

1. Underlying issues

Think about what is underlying those small things that are triggering you. For example, you may be experiencing fear of commitment, fear of being needed or controlled, a desire for more space, or fear of further rejection. Once you figure this out, determine whether the underlying issue can be dealt with. If appropriate, discuss the real issue with your partner.

For example, “Although I love spending time with you, I need some quiet time every day to catch up on work and correspondence / to read / to exercise / to meditate.” Or “I think I’m afraid of being hurt again, so sometimes I lash out to avoid getting too close and then being hurt again. Maybe we should take it a little more slowly.”

2. The power of pause

Be patient and learn not to react too quickly with criticism or judgment. Make it a habit before responding to take a deep breath while remembering what is important. For example, remind yourself that “Treating others poorly brings out the worst in both me and in others.” This will give you the time and motivation to resist behaving in an ineffective and negative way.

If you need more than the time it takes to breathe deeply, then make it a habit to say, “I need a moment to think about that.”

3. Mental rehearsal

Imagine the situations that are likely to trigger you. Visualize and practice how you would like to respond in those situations. Awareness and practice are key, just as they are in learning a new sport or language.

Through focused intentional practice, effective communication will become easier and you’ll feel better about yourself. The positive effects of your improved responses will reward and foster the improved way of interacting with others.

4. Reflection

Re-assess other aspects of your life. Do you have some ongoing resentment in your life that you are not addressing? Is there another relationship where you feel disrespected? Are your current relationships too accepting of your negativity, which may cause you to show disrespect?

You may find that avoiding a challenge or problem in your life is making you irritable. When you take steps to deal with whatever is oppressing you, you will feel lighter and become less easily aggravated with everyone around you.

5. Improving your life

Take time to look into some new activities and relationships that might interest you. When a person feels stuck, all sorts of little things may become irritating. On the other hand, when a person is excited about a new pursuit or plan in his or her life, little things become less annoying.

When you put in the effort to stop being critical and judgmental, your life and relationships will improve dramatically. When you look for the best in others, they will often respond with the best of themselves.

by Alison Poulsen, PhD

When is it time for an adult child to move out.

Posted on by
Reply

"Limitless" by Mimi Stuart ©

“Limitless” by Mimi Stuart ©

“My son is 20 and we are having a great deal of trouble with his selfish behavior. He stays at home and commutes to school, and this summer he is basically just doing what he wants and getting angry and impatient if we ask for help around the house. He swears often as is critical of me even though he knows I don’t like it. He blames other people when confronted about his own attitude. He definitely has a good side and can be very funny and entertaining. Lately though, I feel depressed, as though I had failed as a parent.”


This is a very common situation, although a painful one. Unless your son has always been rude and selfish he will probably turn out fine in the end. I believe your son resents you because he is an adult yet he is dependent on you. He doesn’t feel good about himself because he is functioning as a child. Yet he’s too comfortable and afraid to change the situation. Fear is what is driving his resentment and his lashing out at you.

Behavior and the Brain

The prefrontal cortex is not fully developed until we’re about 25 years. Typically it develops more slowly in males. It develops through experiencing the repeated consequences to our actions, both positive and negative. A person develops the ability to resist immediate gratification or impulsive behavior such as being rude and critical when there are repeated negative consequences to such behavior.

If a young man experiences no consequences when he swears, is rude, and does not contribute in a supportive way, then he will be unlikely to develop the ability to resist those impulses later in life with people close to him. Now is the time when you can influence him so that his prefrontal cortex does not remain underdeveloped.

Consequences

You need to keep two things in mind. One, your home is your sanctuary and two, he is an adult.

You should not tolerate an entitled, rude, critical person living in YOUR home. Enabling bad behavior doesn’t do anyone any good. It merely strengthens neural pathways of negative behavior. There need to be consequences and firm boundaries to his conduct in YOUR home.

There is no need to be angry or mean when discussing a problem. It’s much more effective to be kind but resolute when expressing your own boundaries, specifically that it is time for your son to move out of your home. I suggest being very honest with him, but start with something positive and retain a firm but compassionate tone of voice.

For example, “You’re often funny and enjoyable to be with. We love you. However, perhaps because you’re 20 and an adult who needs his independence, you seem to resent us. We understand that young adults who are not adequately separated from their parents may become critical of and annoyed with their parents. However, your criticism, swearing, and hostile attitude toward us in our home are unacceptable to us. We know you’re better than that and don’t want to enable you further.”

“While you are in our home we expect appreciation, support and consideration and we expect you to live by our rules. Since you haven’t been doing that, we think that for our own sakes as well as yours, it is time that you should live elsewhere. This is not a punishment, but what’s best for everyone.”

“We all have to be creative in figuring out how this can be done. Perhaps you can get a loan for your tuition and use the money we’re spending on tuition on your room and board. You can get another part-time job, or get a full-time job and take fewer classes. Whatever you decide is up to you, and we would be glad to help in any way we reasonably can.”

Facing challenges

This is the time when young people should be meeting the daily challenges in life. Facing such challenges is how he will build self-confidence, and as a result have more positive interactions with others including you, as long as you don’t mollycoddle him.

College

You may worry that it will be harder for your son to complete college if he has to get another job. Yet the gift of gaining self-respect, respect for others, and the skills to deal with life challenges will balance out the fact that it may take longer for him to complete college. Moreover, it is probable that he will appreciate the gift of a college education more than he currently does when he sees what it takes to get by on his own. In the meantime, I would also ask him to do more chores, let him cook his own meals, and do less for him.

by Dr. Alison Poulsen

Read “Setting Boundaries”

Read Angry Adult Child:“The years of terror from my mother has made me make sure that my son knows I love him. I fear, more than anything, his total rejection. HOWEVER, he often seems angry at me.”

Read “I worry a lot over my adult children and I often call them to give advice.”

Judgment: “My co-worker is an idiot.”

Posted on by
Reply

"Mississippi Blues" by Mimi Stuart © Live the Life you Desire

“Mississippi Blues” by Mimi Stuart ©
Live the Life you Desire

Changing negative judgmental thinking into positive, though realistic, thinking changes the way you experience life and the people around you. Once you alter the lens you look through, the way you see others and the way they see themselves in your presence will change. They will improve the way they interact with you.

You will increase your inner peace when you redirect your view of people from their weaknesses to their strengths. By focusing on their positive qualities and understanding the challenges they confront, your experience of people will transform.

Deepen your view of people’s behavior:

A. “My wife is being a witch.”

B. “My wife is a caring person, but must be exhausted. I should give her a hug and then give her some space to unwind.”

A. “My co-worker is an idiot.”

B. “My co-worker might be annoying sometimes, but he has a good heart. He probably is just trying too hard to be liked.”

A. “My whole life has been a series of mistakes.”

B. “My life is an adventure. I’m living and learning, and I have a lot of stories to tell.”

Focus on the positive:

That which you focus on tends to intensify. Therefore, it is more fulfilling and productive to focus on people’s good points than to focus on their limitations. “Stop being so miserable and rude!” engenders more malice than courtesy. Depending on the circumstances, it’s more productive and kind to say something like, “I’m sorry you’re so upset. I’ll give you some space. / Please try to be more polite to me—you’re pushing me away. / Is there something I can do to help you?”

Look for clues to explain unfortunate behavior in others. Also look for what is special or good about others. People respond much more positively when you approach them with compassion and appreciation for their good points.

Should I think positively about abusive behavior?

Unfortunately, there are people who are truly abusive or annoying beyond the occasional minor transgression. There is no reason you cannot be understanding AND keep a distance from such people. Being energetically reserved or in fact creating physical distance and creating boundaries will protect you from abusive behavior and from getting angry and holding a grudge. In serious cases you may have to completely avoid any interaction to move toward peace and fulfillment.

Self-criticism:

We are often most severely critical of ourselves. Thus, we need to become more understanding of our own less-than-perfect behavior and mistakes. It’s easier and more pleasant to improve ourselves when our self-criticism is reasonable, moderate, and balanced with an appreciation of what is good about ourselves. When we change the lens through which we view ourselves we also alter the way we view others, gaining compassion for all of humanity.

You can even view and express suffering with an eye for beauty. Just look at the great comedians and blues musicians.

by Alison Poulsen, PhD

Read “Motivating Change: ‘I can’t stop criticizing my partner.’”

Read “Ignoring the Positive: ‘What’s the big deal? I do a lot too.’”

Read “Handling Criticism: ‘Don’t criticize me. This is the way I’ve always done it!’”

Motivating Change:
“I can’t stop criticizing my partner.”

Posted on by
Reply

“Mother Teresa” by Mimi Stuart ©
Live the Life you Desire

It takes tremendous will power to change our unwanted habits and behavior. One way to boost your will power is by imagining what your future will be like after five or ten more years of criticizing your partner. Not only will your partner feel demoralized, you will feel terrible about yourself, which means you’ll have an unhappy marriage that might end in divorce.

If you have children, you will want to avoid being a rolemodel of disrespect and misery. Otherwise, your child will likely learn to emulate either your attitude of contemptuous disapproval or your partner’s downtrodden subjugation and acquiescence.

The Deathbed Perspective

Imagining the future puts urgency into your actions on a daily basis. The clear awareness that life is limited brings into focus the significance of each fleeting moment and the importance of avoiding unkind behavior. When you imagine yourself on your deathbed, you realize that time is precious and that the way you live every day greatly impacts the vitality of your life and relationships.

While a critical comment here or there may not change the relationship, the accumulation of recurring criticism will dramatically impact your long-term relationships, your health, and your enjoyment of life. A bitter relationship and a miserable life are often the result of an accrual of belittling interactions and negative communication. It takes will power and discipline on a daily basis to practice the habits that will allow you to achieve a sustainable, loving and meaningful relationship.

Love as Intentional

After the initial infatuation between two people, love is not simply a feeling that will magically maintain itself over the long-term. Ongoing love requires intentional loving energy and respectful action. Keeping the fact that life is fleeting in your conscious awareness can motivate you to avoid being reactive and negative in your interaction with loved ones. By keeping in mind the long-term effect of mindless negative habits, such as belittling your spouse, you will feel motivated to change these insidious habits.

When tempted to criticize, stop yourself and think, “If I continue to treat my partner with contempt and criticism, our relationship will become loveless, stifling, and full of resentment. No one is perfect. I will only criticize when I can do so from a position of love and in a positive life-enhancing manner. I’ll know if I’m doing it right by the response I get from my partner.”

Criticism vs. Dialogue

I am not suggesting that you ignore problems. Constructive problem-solving and compassionate dialogue are different from negative criticism. Constructive dialogue builds upon acceptance and compassion, while negative criticism limits our ability to connect and find creative solutions together.

The deathbed perspective causes us to focus on what is possible in our lives and relationships. If we take a moment to imagine ourselves at the end of our lives, our older self would probably tell us not to squander a minute, but to live each day wholeheartedly and courageously, to move forward in the face of fear, and to remember that it is the small actions and non-actions that make up who we are.

When you stay aware of what is at stake, you can develop better relationships while adding meaning to your life. A great life is not accidental but is built from the many courageous steps we take to become the person we want to be.

Love begins at home, and it is not how much we do… but how much love we put in that action. Let us always meet each other with a smile, for the smile is the beginning of love.

~Mother Teresa

by Dr. Alison Poulsen

Reference and Recommended: “The Tools” by Phil Stutz and Barry Michels.

Read “Changing Relationship Dynamics.”

Read “Giving Advice: ‘She never listens to me.’”

Read “Inner Critics attract Critical Partners: ‘Why does my partner criticize me all the time?’”

“I’m his biggest fan and he treats me like a slave.”

Posted on by
2

"Opus 76 by Haydn" by Mimi Stuart ©
Live the Life you Desire

Isn’t it curious that some people tend to become more critical, cold, and cruel with the very people who champion them the most? Why would someone treat their admirers worse than their critics?

People who devalue their biggest supporters — often their partner — resent the fact that they feel so dependent on that support. In fact, they may be addicted to their dependency, and for that reason, they simultaneously feel bitter about it.

They don’t like feeling helpless. They don’t like needing support and praise. They don’t like counting on you for their self-esteem.

Yet, they don’t have the fortitude to stop relying on you for services, accolades, and admiration. They belittle you so as not to appear needy. They despise their own weakness and you become the physical manifestation of that weakness.

By devaluing the sources of said supply (his spouse, his employer, his colleague, his friend) he ameliorates the dissonance.

~Sam Vaknin, PhD

Understanding why someone might treat you like a slave does not mean you should continue to act like one, or to accept the treatment. So the real question is why would you continue to be a fan of his if he treats you or anyone like a slave?

Anaïs Nin wisely pointed out that “We don’t see things as they are, we see them as we are.” It may be time for you to step back from your role as an admiring slave and to view people as they are in their entirety, to admire those who are more worthy of admiration, and to create your own life-opus.

by Alison Poulsen, PhD

Read Guest Author Sam Vaknin, PhD “’Should I Stay Or Should I Leave?’ The Tremendous Costs of Staying with an Abusive Person with Narcissistic Personality Disorder.”

Read “Overfunctioning and underfunctioning:’If I don’t take care of things, nothing will ever get done.’”

Read “Respect each other: ‘He’s always talking down to me.’”