Good conversation has an edge. It opens your eyes to something, stirs your imagination, reverberates in your mind later in the day. Your mind has been sparked.
What if you start worrying that the person you are conversing with will get angry or roll his or her eyes at you? Fear of someone’s reactions will stifle your imagination and creative thinking. The possibility for a good conversation will shut down.
Intimacy means sharing your depth, vulnerability, and creative imagination. Intimacy vanishes when someone is threatened by another person’s ideas. Intimacy also evaporates when someone desperately craves agreement and support at all costs.
When we strive to balance two fundamental drives: our desire for connection and our desire for individuality, our sense of self becomes more resilient, allowing our conversations to become freer, deeper and more meaningful.
People who have some emotional autonomy don’t need to have their ideas constantly validated; they are not afraid to express an absurb or eccentric idea.
Emotional autonomy allows people to have true intimacy in conversation, because they don’t pressure others to support them emotionally. Support becomes voluntary and thus more honest and meaningful.
Emotional autonomy frees up conversation to be experimental, more passionate, stirring and stimulating.
The first step toward meaningful conversation is to listen and engage the other person with presence, openness, and curiosity. The next step is to dance with the idea and give it a twirl in an unexpected direction.
Good communication is as stimulating as black coffee and just as hard to sleep after.
Endless chitchat about mindless subjects can drive anybody crazy. When people carry on without allowing others to engage in the conversation, they are missing the point of small talk. Appropriate small talk should feel like a dance not like an assault.
Connection
Communication is not simply about passing on information. One of the primary goals of communicating with people is to make a connection with them.
Small talk is all about connection. The style of talk is playful, casual, and humorous, without being critical, overbearing, or a chatterbox. Appropriate small talk is vital in developing and sustaining relationships.
There are several reasons for connecting through small talk. 1. Emotional Closeness
The energy in a person’s body language, not the information behind the words, communicates warmth. You can even engage in small talk with someone who speaks a different language and convey friendliness and humor. 2. Effective Dialogue
When there is disagreement, small talk can help you develop connection by showing your common humanity, which allows for a more effective dialogue. Without establishing connection, disagreements become accusatory or controlling attacks and will cause defensiveness, anger, or hurt feelings.
3. Ritual Small Talk
Small talk shows our competence in normal communication. It reveals our ability to read other people. When people see that we know when to start talking, when to stop, and that we know what topics are appropriate given the circumstances, they see we have a basic understanding of how to relate to people.
Imagine that someone says, “What beautiful weather we’re having,” and the second person responds with a simple, “no” or “I guess” with no warmth or further comment showing confirmation of the first speaker’s attempt to make a connection. It leaves the first speaker wondering, “What’s wrong with him/her? How rude!” or “OK, I made the effort! But I won’t try anymore.”
When people start an intense debate when others are simply shooting the breeze, it signals that they are oblivious to what’s going on around them.
When people cannot adhere to the unspoken rules of appropriate small talk, others get frustrated and suspicious. Those who can’t or won’t engage in small talk in appropriate situations or who don’t allow others to talk are often rejected and avoided.
People who recognize when small talk is appropriate adapt easily to relationship expectations. Moreover, those who understand the bounds of appropriate communication are generally seen to be likable and trustworthy.
4. New Relationships
Small talk is like a dance in getting to know someone. Through talking casually while avoiding any commitment, you get a feel for what the other person is like—whether you click, whether there’s some commonality or a spark between you.
The subject of conversation matters less than the feeling behind the words. If there seems to be mutual understanding, you can gradually deepen the conversation by disclosing more personal values and thoughts. If you don’t sense reciprocity, no harm is done.
While we don’t have to spend a great deal of time engaging in small talk, we can use it to create better connection with other people. As long as we sense when other people have had enough, then small talk can be meaningful.
Whether a conversation with someone lasts a fleeting moment at the supermarket or develops into a lasting relationship, the purpose of small talk is to express the desire for a positive emotional connection between two human beings. While small talk seems to be about nothing at all, it’s really about being human, understanding subtle communication, and responding to people with a sense of connection.
"Oblique Motion" by Mimi Stuart Live the Life you Desire
When you deal with someone who interrupts a lot, you need to learn how to keep talking anyway, without being angry, sullen, or hurt. Or you can say, “Wait! wait! I’m not done…” and then continue with your story.
There’s no need to give an evil glare and announce, “You’re interrupting me again.” That puts you in the critical parent role and the interrupter in the scolded child role—a combination, which leads to hurt, anger, and embarrassment.
Instead, interrupt back in a passionate way, showing that you’re excited about what you’re saying. Of course, you want to make sure that the other person gets a chance to talk too.
People differ greatly in how comfortable they are interrupting in order to get a word into a conversation. In Italy, you will never be heard unless you’re willing to jump in to make your voice heard because several will be talking simultaneously. People who have been raised in quieter, more “polite” environments can benefit from learning to assert themselves around enthusiastic conversationalists.
On the other hand, passionate interrupters might benefit by exercising patience and listening skills. But you’ll need to interrupt assertively to suggest something like that.
