Except in rare cases, children instinctively know when and how much they need to eat. Telling a child to finish dinner is unnecessary, annoying, and controlling. It often leads to unhealthy emotional reactions to the natural process of eating only when hungry.
Other than reasonable rules, such as no unhealthy snacks before dinner, not serving yourself more than you can finish, or not having junk food and candy in the house, it’s best not to vigilantly control how much your child eats.
When children receive a lot of attention over how much or what they eat, their behavior relating to food becomes a way to get a response from those around them. It may become a way to gain a sense of control, to get attention, to rebel, or to get approval. These are not healthy reasons to determine how much or what to eat.
Children go through phases of eating little and eating a lot. When they do not receive too much external direction, they learn to pay attention and respond appropriately to their own physical needs. This is one of the area’s in a child’s life where more freedom is healthy, as long as there’s not too much junk food available.
It is surprising how many of the “choices” we make are not by choice at all. We are frequently driven by unconscious forces. These responses were programmed out of necessity when as children we were trying to get our needs met.
Generally, people experience their parents as either too engulfing or indifferent. Depending on their personality, children of a strong parent who is engulfing/controlling/hovering tend to develop one of the following belief systems:
1. The compliant person believes “I should be sweet, self-sacrificing, and saintly.” 2. The aggressive person says “I should be powerful, recognized, and a winner.” 3. The withdrawing person believes “I should be independent, aloof, and perfect.”
1. Compliance: While accommodation is sometimes appropriate, it is not okay when it becomes reflexive and automatic. An emotional chameleon ceases to have personal integrity. In extreme cases, compliant people feel they have no will of their own. They become totally dependent on what others think, expect and want of them. This can lead to harm of oneself and others.
2. Power Complex: Assertive behavior is an attempt to try to get control. We need to be self-empowered. But when power becomes one-sided or unconscious, it becomes aggressive and problematic. In the extreme you get the sociopath who must be in total control and disregards the welfare of others. Dictators exhibit the power complex in the extreme.
3. Avoidance: The withdrawing person steps away from anything threatening, and suppresses reflection about difficult issues. This is sometimes a wise move, but not when it is done without conscious choice or in every situation. Whenever there is avoidance, the unconscious perceives that the Other is a large and powerful force and that he or she is not. In extreme cases, a person may become disconnected from reality or even dissociative.
Why bother figuring out what anxiety-management systems we use? The moment we become aware of our automatic psychological reflexes, we open up the opportunity to make genuine choices. Ask yourself what these responses cause you to do and prevent you from doing? Where are you stuck?
With awareness of our unconscious belief systems, we can thoughtfully choose whether to comply, withdraw, or assert ourselves, among other possible responses, depending on the situation, rather than having the same knee-jerk reaction in every situation. When we start responding differently, we can transform our old patterns to new adventures of our choosing.
