Underlying most controlling behavior is a fear of being left alone, physically or emotionally. A person’s reactivity and possessiveness is often driven by anxiety and fear of abandonment.
The problem is that we can never be fully united in thought and feeling with another person. In fact, the more we try to possess another person or allow ourselves to be controlled, the more we squeeze the magic out of the relationship.
Once we genuinely accept our existential separation from others, we can enjoy the connection we have more fully, however fleeting it may be. Then we can be truly loving without becoming controlling and possessive.
Responding to a controlling person
If you are in a relationship with a controlling partner who is trying to coerce you into not doing something you want to do, such as visiting your sister, you can choose to respond in the following ways:
Accommodate—You don’t go visit your sister, but you will feel disappointed, angry, disempowered, and resentful for not going.
Rebel—You vehemently declare that you’re going anyway, but your partner will try to punish you with his anger.
Differentiate—You are considerate while maintaining your self-respect. You tell him you’ll miss him and you’re sorry he’ll be lonely, but it’s really important for you to spend some time with your sister. Or, you could that say you’d really like to see your sister, but that he is welcome to join you if he can get away. If your partner continues to be angry about your decision, you can show compassion to a point, but you should not allow yourself to be manipulated by his fear or anger. Stand firm albeit with compassion, but without becoming defensive.
Intimacy requires freedom
It sounds paradoxical that intimacy and passion can deepen as we accept our separateness and stop controlling others or allowing ourselves to be controlled. Yet a relationship based on respect requires letting go of fear and control. By breaking away from control and possessiveness, we can allow a little unpredictability and excitement back into the relationship.
Passion is based on the feeling of being alive, alert and excited in the midst of the unknown. By respecting another person’s autonomy and embracing the associated anxiety, we can enhance excitement, desire, and passion in our relationship with that person.
As we face and accept our own existential separateness, our tolerance for being alone increases. In addition, our disappointment in others diminishes, because we relinquish unrealistic expectations that our partners will save us from ourselves.
Does it help to argue or complain when dealing with a controlling person? How do you respond to someone who is controlling, demanding and wants you to do things you don’t want to do?
“I warned her. But ultimately we all have to make our own choices in life.”
It is difficult to watch a loved one repeatedly jump into situations that are bound to cause suffering. At some point we have to let go of the urge to manage other people’s affairs, even when it’s obvious that someone shouldn’t lend money to their dead-beat boyfriend once again, for example.
We certainly can have a positive impact at times, but ultimately we can’t control the choices other people make. While we can be available as a friend, people are responsible for themselves.
Individuals are in charge of their life choices, and often learn from their mistakes. As a friend, we can seek the delicate balance of giving loving advice and accepting the other’s freedom of self-determination.
The human stress response evolved as a response to emergencies when fight or flight was necessary for survival. When physical survival is your goal, stress is very helpful. Stress hormones rev up the heart rate and blood pressure, improving blood flow, which allows you to act quickly.
Negative effects of unhealthy stress:
Today, we have few physiological emergencies for we are rarely in mortal danger as we were on the African savannah millions of years ago. Yet we still react with stress for purely psychological reasons, such as worries about mortgage payments, traffic jams, and work problems. Unfortunately, stress hormones streaming through our bodies all of the time can cause all sorts of health problems.
Chronic, ongoing stress has been linked directly to a shorter lifespan and disease. The increased adrenaline and cortisol due to chronic stress kills brain cells, leads to heart problems, clots the blood, and causes kidney and liver damage. Large amounts of cortisol can raise blood sugar and cholesterol, which turn into fat around the belly. Fat retention weight gain is often a stress response.
Positive effects of stress:
Staying Alert:
We wouldn’t want to eliminate stress altogether, because it can alert us to the occasional emergency. Mild doses of stress keep you alert while driving in a snowstorm or while sitting in a business meeting.
Pleasure:
At the right level and the right time, adrenaline provides excitement and stimulation. Without any stress response, you couldn’t enjoy a speed sport or falling in love. Many people enjoy a ride on a rollercoaster for the simple reason that it invokes the stress response, but it is safe and short lived.
In small doses, and with adequate control and knowledge that we are not really in danger, stress arouses our sensations and heightens our interest and pleasure. Thus, meeting new people and falling in love can be pleasurable partly because of the stress involved.
How to avoid unhealthy stress:
The goal should be to have the right kind of stress and in the right doses — something that is not too dangerous and is transient rather than ongoing.
Research shows that people who have more control in their lives experience less harmful stress. People in low-ranking jobs with no authority experience substantially MORE unhealthy stress than those in the apparently higher-stress, high-power jobs who have more control over their work. Unhealthy stress increases as level and control in one’s job decreases.
However, there can be relief from unhealthy stress in those who feel subordinate in their jobs. When people in low-level jobs view themselves as having a key role in another area of life, such as being captain of a sports team, a parent, or a crucial player in a volunteer organization, they tend to have reduced levels of stress. The key is that they exhibit leadership qualities in an area of life that they see as valuable and important.
Other ways unhealthy stress can be lowered include increased autonomy, appreciation through monetary reward or praise, social affiliation, exercise, laughter, and the practice of mindfulness. Everyone can benefit by finding something they love to do and people to do it with.
