Tag Archives: conflict

“I end up arguing with him because he’s usually too busy working to talk.”

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"First Encounter" by Mimi Stuart © Live the Life you Desire

“First Encounter” by Mimi Stuart ©
Live the Life you Desire

Arguing to get a person’s attention

It’s natural to want emotional contact with your partner or friend. If you find it difficult to get his attention, you might start feeling ignored. To break through his indifference, you might say something meant to get his attention. The easiest way to get someone’s attention is provoking him by saying something surprising or antagonistic.

If you say, “Hey, I just wanted to talk,” your partner will probably nonchalantly say, “I’m busy right now.” But if you say, “We haven’t done anything fun together in three years!” or “My old boyfriend invited me to have a drink,” you are more than likely to get your partner’s attention. The problem is this might not be the best way to get his attention.

Arguing does serve a purpose. Conflict is a painful way to balance two human drives—the desires for emotional contact and autonomy. Arguing compels someone to respond emotionally while promoting self assertion. Yet arguing is not the most satisfying or effective form of human discourse.

Balancing autonomy and connection

If you find yourself frequently wanting another person’s attention, here are some things to consider. There should be a balance between quality time spent together and the pursuit of separate activities, whether work, passions, friends or other interests. The ideal balance is different for every couple, and for each individual within a relationship. A balance is something that has to be negotiated between the partners, negotiated in an open, frank, and reasonable way. Sometimes two individuals have such difference needs that there can be no balance that makes both partners happy. In general, however, a loving relationship thrives when the individuals have separate thoughts, emotions, and interests, and there is a consistent effort to enjoy each others’ company on a regular basis.

So ask yourself whether you are being too needy. Make sure that you are not simply wanting an unreasonable amount of attention, in which case you should perhaps find some other activities to fill some of your time.

How to talk to your partner

If the two of you are truly spending very little time together, it may be time to have a reasonable talk with your partner and find a way for the relationship to be nurtured. It’s important that you are calm and emotionally separate when you speak. When you are emotionally separate from another person, you don’t need to become angry to get that person’s attention. You don’t need dramatic expressions of self-assertion to express your desire to spend more time together. You can do so with some gravity but without becoming manipulative, hostile or needy.

First you can tell your partner that it’s important for you to talk about your needs in the relationship and ask when he has 10 minutes to do so. Don’t engage in guilt trips, manipulate or whine. Show no resentment. Confidence and a positive attitude can be irresistible and show that you have the self-respect to engage on a mature level. Be confident, uplifting and matter of fact. Demonstrate that you support his passions, but emphasize that the relationship is important to you and that there is a necessity for balance and for nourishing that relationship. Ask if he is willing to spend more enjoyable time together on a regular basis. Then ask him what he’s willing to do to keep the relationship strong. If he cannot find the time, then you will know where you and the relationship stand.

by Alison Poulsen, PhD

Read “Mind reading: ‘You just don’t like spending time with me!’”

Read “Spending Time Together as a Couple.”

Read “Pursuing passions or partnership? ‘You should spend time with me instead of going fishing!’”

Swearing and Yelling:
“STOP SWEARING and YELLING AT ME for #%&%’s SAKE!”

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"Come-backer" by Mimi Stuart ©
Live the Life you Desire

So what I really meant was…

“I’d like to help but I can’t do so if you swear at me or continue to raise your voice.”

In difficult situations staying calm will create an atmosphere that is least likely to escalate tempers. Issuing commands, yelling, or swearing back generally stokes the flames of anger and the argument will spiral out of control.

Yet, ignoring the swearing or yelling by continuing to help someone who is treating you inappropriately is not the answer. Never accept demeaning language or behavior as this will encourage more of it in the future.

If the other person grabs you by the arm, don’t lose your calm. Face him or her squarely and repeat your request, “Look, nothing is accomplished by shouting. Let’s sit down and discuss this in a civilized manner.”

If the angry person continues, you can repeat yourself one more time: “As I’ve said before, I do want to help, but I cannot do so if you raise your voice and swear at me. And if you continue, I will walk away.” Be prepared to do so.

If the behavior continues, quietly walk away.

by Alison Pouslen, PhD

Read “Defensiveness: ‘What do you mean by that? You’re always attacking me!’”

Read “Dealing with Angry People.”

To fight or not to fight:
“After a fight, we barely talk to each other for days.”

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"Canon in D" by Mimi Stuart ©
Live the Life you Desire

A musical canon consists of “two or more parts that have the same melody but start at different points.” Like the variety we find in music, we also find great variety in types of relationships that work and don’t work. There are both healthy and unhealthy relationships among couples who argue and among couples who don’t.

No Fighting

Unhealthy: Some couples who never fight will simply hide their differing opinions and emotions, creating a situation that leads to distance and frosty disengagement. The partners, feeling alienated, sadly drift apart.

Healthy: Some couples who don’t typically fight have learned how to actively listen and to express their opinions and disagreements without expressing contempt for the other person. This seems ideal, but is difficult to live up to when emotions run high.

Fighting

Unhealthy: Some people who argue and fight do not listen to each other. They attack and defend. As a result, mutual negativity and contempt for each other grow until the relationship is nothing more than a bitter struggle.

Healthy: Some couples who have disagreements and lose their temper care deeply for each other and desire to put right any harm done.

Attempts to Repair

What’s more important than avoiding conflict is the earnest attempt to repair hurt feelings after a disagreement—and the sooner the better. Loving couples have empathy for each other, and will therefore, hasten to apologize for harsh words or losing their temper.

Having fights is not necessarily harmful to a relationship as long as there is not abuse or a pattern of criticism and contempt. Getting past the hurt feelings caused by arguments occurs best when each person’s overriding concern is for the well-being of the other and the relationship, which rests on the well-being of both partners.

More important than whether a couple fights is how often and quickly they try to repair their relationship after disagreements. Phyllis Diller might have been right when she said, “Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight.” Some fighting, unless it’s constant or cruel, can be fine as long as couples strive to make peace soon afterwards.

Honest disagreement is often a good sign of progress.

~Mahatma Gandhi

by Alison Poulsen, PhD

Read “Compassionate Confrontation: ‘He said he’d spend more time with me, but has not followed through.’”

Read “Avoidance Behavior: ‘I’ve been dreading telling her about our financial problems.’”

Read “That’s wrong. I totally disagree.”

“That’s just the way I am!” Arguments: The Red Herring

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"Drop Cloth" by Mimi Stuart
Live the Life you Desire

A “Red Herring” is a verbal ploy to distract a person’s attention away from a real issue. It’s a tactic used to hide a weakness from the listener by changing the subject. The phrase “Red Herring” comes from using the strong scent of herring fish to trick dogs into following the wrong trail.

Example:
A: “I’d like you to stop being so critical of me; It’s really unpleasant.”
B: “It could be a lot worse. At least I don’t come home drunk and scream at you.”

One type of Red Herring is the ad hominem—an attack on the speaker rather than a relevant explanation. This feeds the cycle of offense and hurt. An ad hominem is not productive, although there are some classics that are very witty.

Lady Astor to Churchill: “Sir, you’re drunk!”
Winston Churchill: “Yes, Madam. But in the morning, I will be sober and you will still be ugly.”

The best response to a red herring is to continue to focus on the real issue, by repeating the question without anger. People who use red herrings a lot generally dread strong reactions, anger, and criticism. They’d rather deflect any uncomfortable questions. So it’s important to be persistent but without being threatening.

Response to Red Herring:
A: “Why are you late?”
B: “That’s just the way I am!”
A: “That may be the way you are, but I’d still like to know why you’re late this time.”

Response to Red Herring:
A: “I’d like you to stop being so critical of me; It’s really unpleasant.”
B: “It could be a lot worse. At least I don’t come home drunk and scream at you.”
A: “I really feel bad when you’re so critical. Would you be willing to stop criticizing me?”

As for Lady Astor and Churchill, thankfully they didn’t resolve their differences. Or we’d miss some great quips.

Lady Astor: “If you were my husband, I’d poison you.”
Churchill: “If you were my wife, I’d take it.”

by Alison Poulsen, PhD

“You think I’m too indulgent with the kids? Well, I don’t want to be a dictator like you!”

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"Burning the Ice" Dan Jansen by Mimi Stuart
Live the Life you Desire

Parents often disagree on how to raise their children, which can easily turn into a running battle of wills. In most cases, one parent is more permissive, warm, and accommodating, while the other is more authoritarian, strict, and rule-oriented.

For instance, one parent wants to let the children eat whenever and whatever they want, while the other has specific rules about when and what they should eat. Usually a middle ground is appropriate. But even the slightest difference in the middle ground can cause conflict between parents.

Without appreciating what the other parent is trying to accomplish, discussion can easily turn into a vitriolic argument. The best way to approach the other parent is by truly understanding and validating the values at the core of his or her parenting style. When we sincerely validate other people’s values, they are more likely to be open up to our ideas.

Authoritarian parents want their children to develop self-discipline and perseverance, qualities needed to make it in the world. Permissive parents desire that their children experience acceptance, happiness, and freedom.

BOTH sets of core values are important for a child’s healthy development; yet, each parenting style in the extreme is detrimental. When we integrate both sets of values and reflect on them from time to time to avoid extremes, wild fluctuations between lenience and severity toward the children diminish.

So if an authoritarian parent says in a stern voice to the child, “Eat your broccoli!” the other spouse could say to the authoriatarian parent later in private, “I agree that it’s important that the child eat vegetables instead of junk food. It’s important for me, and I think, more effective to use a kind, or at least respectful, rather than commanding tone of voice.”

On the other hand, a permissive parent might give in to a surly child’s demand: “I’m not eating this health food for dinner. I’m going to have fruit loops!” The other parent could then respond to the permissive parent later in private with something like, “I know you want to give our children freedom. But they also need to develop healthy eating habits, and to avoid becoming too picky and over-indulged. Let’s give them fewer choices and no choice at all when they speak disrespectfully.”

No two people will ever agree exactly on how to parent, and that’s all right. In the real world our kids will have to adapt to many different people’s expectations and attitudes. Having discussions, being flexible, yet, accepting differences in parenting style from your spouse will benefit both the couple’s relationships and the kids’ development.

by Alison Poulsen, PhD

Watch “Authoritarian vs. Permissive Parenting.”

Read “Over-mothering.”

Read “Parenting Together.”