Tag Archives: condescension

Always being right: “That’s not what I said! I said…!”

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"Voice of Gold" Frederica Von Stade by Mimi Stuart
Live the you Desire

When you find yourself insisting on proving that you’re right, it’s time to look at your underlying intent. We often assume that being right will lead to being respected, liked, appreciated, or admired. However, generally the harder a person tries to prove being right, the harder it is for that person to gain respect or appreciation.

Here are a few reasons that could be causing this ironic disconnect:

1. Adamant persistence reveals underlying feelings of inadequacy, which does not inspire respect or admiration.

2. In trying to be right, we disregard other people’s ideas, causing them to feel overlooked.

3. Most importantly, being right generally comes with a condescending tone of voice that turns people off whether the person is right or not.

A superior tone of voice can trigger a defensive reaction in others, even when what’s being said is totally logical and nonthreatening. If you’ve ever found yourself arguing over something ridiculous, you may be reacting to a patronizing tone of voice rather than flawed logic.

One way to encourage others to consider your opinion is to use a friendly or neutral tone of voice. You’ll feel more relaxed and others will feel more open-minded and amenable. You can say, “Your idea won’t work” with a kind tone of voice, and have a better response than if you say, “Your idea is the best idea in the world,” with a superior sounding voice.

If pretending is what it takes to change your attitude and use a respectful tone of voice, it’s probably worth it. Remember that discussions that aren’t focused on one person being right are usually more stimulating and productive, and lead to healthier and happier relationships.

by Alison Poulsen, PhD

Read “Facial Expressions.”

Analyzing people: “You’re just re-enacting your relationship with your father!”

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"Energy" Einstein by Mimi Stuart
Live the Life you Desire

Telling people they’re just like their mother or re-enacting their relationship with their father is not usually helpful—even if it’s true!

People don’t like being analyzed, especially in a condescending way. Unless the analysis is offered with just the right intention, it feels patronizing and invasive to have someone deconstruct your behavior. No one really knows the true motivations of another person anyway.

It can be fascinating to figure people out and enjoyable to offer helpful insight. People who analyze others may feel closer to people when they understand their behavior. However, sometimes they miss out on a deeper connection, which requires simply being present.

Focusing too much on analyzing others can lead you to miss the best part of relationship. The time you spend with loved ones is more meaningful and enjoyable when you feel their energetic essence.

Even good therapy involves more than penetrating mental analysis. It entails a connection beyond the mind, based on an appreciation of the ineffable qualities of that particular person.

Relationships in general need to have a sense of fondness as their basis. Insightful analysis can be helpful once a connection is forged, as long as it is welcomed. Then, it is best offered with humility rather than certainty and with kindness rather than condescension. But if you ever tell people that they are acting just like their mother or father, do it with a sense of humor.

by Alison Poulsen, PhD

Read “Teaching Too Much.”