Tag Archives: complaining

“Stop nagging me!”

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"Perspectives" by Mimi Stuart ©

“Perspectives” by Mimi Stuart ©

Accusing someone of nagging is an unnecessary provocation of hostility.

Even though it’s annoying to be reminded over and over again to do something, it’s best to resist getting defensive by saying “Stop nagging me.” If you respond like a child when you are treated like a child, the relationship pattern turns into an unpleasant parent/child dynamic: the disappointed parent trying to control the sullen or rebellious child.

Instead, you can avoid this dreaded pattern if you continue to act like an adult by asserting boundaries while showing compassion. Try to use understanding and reason while being honest about your needs. Simply because somebody wants you to do something doesn’t mean you have to do it. However, relationships thrive only with candid, respectful and honest communication. Be clear. Let the person know if you plan to do the thing being asked later or simply don’t want to do it.

Here are some examples of how to respond. More important than the specific wording is your tone of voice.

I heard you. Unfortunately I won’t have time to do that any time soon. Perhaps you can take care of it.

Or

I know you have good intentions but I need to tell you that I feel like a child when you tell me several times what you want me to do. Please just ask once.

Or

I plan to get it done tomorrow. When you repeat yourself, I get very defensive. It would be helpful if you would resist repeating it.

Or

I first want to finish what I’m doing. Please don’t ask me again.

When people repeat themselves and tell others what to do, it may be that they are frustrated by not knowing whether you remember what they’ve asked. So it helps to be clear about whether and when you are willing to help.

Or it may be that they are projecting their own anxiety onto those around them. If you respond with hostility, the anxious person will feel justified in thinking that you are the cause of his or her anxiety.

If on the other hand you remain calm and reasonable, and speak with candor and self-confidence, the anxious person is less likely to spiral into increased anxiety. Harmony can more easily be restored.

by Alison Poulsen, PhD

Read “Stop nagging me about watching the game!”

Read “Defensiveness: ‘What do you mean by that? You’re always attacking me!’”

Read “Compassionate Confrontation: ‘He said he’d spend more time with me, but has not followed through.’”

Conversations Without End:
“I wish I could get off the phone.”

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"Kiai" by Mimi Stuart © Live the Life you Desire

“Kiai” by Mimi Stuart ©
Live the Life you Desire

Have you ever wished you could cut short a conversation that never seems to end, but you dread offending the other person and as a result you just keep listening? Tedious and one-sided conversations and phone calls can be draining and exhausting. These sorts of vent sessions, complaining, and gossip can leave you feeling wrung out and empty.

Yet many people find it difficult to end these encounters because they fear offending the other person. Whether the other person is a co-worker, family member, friend, or acquaintance, it’s helpful to know how to enforce boundaries without being rude. The same techniques can be used for ending worthwhile conversations at times when you have time constraints.

Here are some ideas:

1. Mention your time constraint. Often you can give the talkative person a warning at the beginning of the conversation about your time constraints, e.g., that you only have a few seconds, a minute, or 15 minutes. “Hi. I only have a minute.” One minute later, “I have to go. Have a great afternoon.” End it promptly and you will not have the problem.

2. Interrupt. It may be necessary to interrupt the talker, but you can do so without sounding angry or impatient. A matter of fact, polite tone of voice, without being apologetic or unsure works best. “Unfortunately, I have to get going. Talk to you soon.”

3. Be diplomatically honest. If these types of conversations with a particular person are an ongoing problem that you’d like to address, speak of your own feelings without attacking or judging the talker. “I’m sorry not to be able to help you, but I have to tell you that it is exhausting when we talk about these problems so much. I’d prefer to talk about something more uplifting.” Or, “I like to connect with you, but I don’t have much time to talk with all of my commitments to work and to the kids.”

Time is valuable. When you waste time waiting anxiously for a conversation to end because you are trying to be polite, you are not helping the perpetrator or yourself to live a more fulfilling life.

by Alison Poulsen, PhD

Watch “Distinguishing Harmless from Malicious Gossip.”

Watch “How To Respond To Malicious Gossip.”

Read “I have friends who bring me down.”

Read “The Introvert and the Extrovert: ‘You always stay home!’”

Triangulation:
“My ex can’t stop complaining about me to my child. I feel like doing the same right back.”

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"Counterpoint" by Mimi Stuart
Living the Life you Desire

This is triangulation, the purpose being to vent anxiety, not to gain insight. The worst kind involves a parent who complains to a child about the other parent, creating a lot of insecurity and anxiety in the child.

Children generally want connection with their parents, even if that entails becoming a confidant in this way. But they pay for a parent’s emotional venting with a growing disrespect for the complaining parent and feelings of guilt for betraying the other parent.

If I were the other parent, I would respond to the child with something like the following: “When people are hurt or disappointed, they sometimes lash out at the person they are hurt by. They tend to focus on and exaggerate the negative qualities of that person. You can tell your mom/dad that it’s painful to hear those complaints, but remember that no one is perfect. Here are a few things to be clear about though: This is not your fault. It is not your job to fix the problem or to console anyone. This will get easier. And most of all, we will both always love you.”

One of the greatest things we can teach our children is the ability to withstand anxiety. We can best do this by practicing it ourselves—feeling difficult emotions and yet hanging on to both our compassion and our reason, by understanding why the ex-spouse is lashing out and speaking openly without blame and attack.

by Alison Poulsen

Read “Venting and Triangulation: The Insideous Triangle.”