A negative person who complains or vents a lot can drain the life out of you. Life is short. Often, it’s best to simply detach and enjoy more interesting people or other pursuits.
Sometimes, however, you may want, or need, to have that person in your life because they are family or a co-worker. In those cases, you can’t control the other person, but you can control how you respond to them.
If you want to improve your life it’s important to be able to be assertive and speak your mind. However, if speaking up turns into a habit of complaining, you and those close to you will suffer.
Here are ten reasons not to let complaining become a habit:
1. It’s unattractive. When people complain, they focus on the negative without looking for solutions, and they tend to use a whiny tone of voice, all of which is a turn off.
2. You will push interesting people away. People who complain all the time are boring and tiresome. Continue reading
“Jazz Night” by Mimi Stuart ©
Verbal restraint is a virtue
Your friend’s problem is that she cannot contain her feelings and thoughts when it is appropriate to do so. She cannot resist her impulse to express whatever will get the attention she is desperately seeking. She does not try to restrain herself from venting her feelings of victimhood and from gossiping about other people’s lives despite the toxicity of such behavior.
The bottom line is that she is seeking attention in unhealthy ways and the solution for you is to stop enabling her.
Broken record—victim story
Individuals who continuously vent and complain about a past incident are psychologically stuck and seek relief by venting. Like having a cigarette, the relief from their anxiety is only temporary, and the long-term effects are harmful.
If you can, it is worth telling her in a compassionate way that telling the same story continuously will not help the situation, and in fact will keep her from dealing with the underlying issue and moving on. She is defining herself as a victim, and thereby limiting her own life. Perhaps suggest that some counseling would help her.
You might also gently tell her that she is causing others to see her as unempowered. If she could try to contain her resentment by focusing on improving her life, she would open up new possibilities in her life—talking about interesting ideas, for example, and hearing about other people’s pursuits and passions. As a result, she might feel less need of getting attention for being a victim.
It takes guts to say things like this, but it can be extremely helpful if you do so with compassion.
However, she may not have a strong enough sense of self to take such poignant input, in which case, she will be hurt and angry and you may have to limit your exposure to her. You can emphasize that you are not trying to be judgmental, but that you just want the best for her and therefore wanted to make a helpful observation.
An easier, alternative response is to say something like, “ I have heard this before,” each time she tries to bring up the same old story, and then change the subject to something more inspiring. This may not stop her from venting to others, but over time she might become aware of her tendency to repeat herself.
The simple act of denying her a sympathetic ear may be the best solution because in this case, listening sympathetically without challenging her is harmful enabling behavior. So you may ultimately have to distance yourself from her and the relationship.
How to stop gossip about you
Since your friend is disclosing too much about your life even though you have asked her not to, you need to keep your personal life private! Everyone makes the occasional mistake saying something they should not have. However, you cannot trust someone who continues to talk about you and your private life in spite of your specific requests not to do so. It’s fine to keep her as a casual friend, but do not disclose to her anything personal that you wouldn’t want circulated.
You may want to consider distancing yourself from her. Make other friends, and don’t disclose private details about your life until you really know, trust and are intimate with them.
George MacDonald’s saying is so true: “Few delights can equal the mere presence of one we utterly trust.”
by Dr. Alison Poulsen
Read “You sound like a broken record repeating stories about your psycho ex!”
Read “Venting and Triangulation.”
“The Kiss” by Mimi Stuart ©
Live the Life you Desire
When people mention the things they’ve done, they simply want acknowledgement and appreciation. Yet many people respond defensively as though they are being attacked. Even IF the other person is implying that you never do anything, show him or her the appreciation desired as follows:
“Thank you so much! I really appreciate it. You are wonderful for doing that for me.” If you want, you could add, “Please let me know when you need help. I would love to do something for you,” or simply do something considerate for them.
So many arguments could be avoided if people could understand the underlying desires that motivate a person’s apparent complaints. It is usually a simple desire for recognition, which should be a joy to satisfy, rather than an excuse to become critical, hostile and argumentative.
To have a loving, trusting, and mutually-enhancing relationship, there must be a constant effort to be kind and see the best in other people and acknowledge them for their efforts. Then everyone will shine and try to live up to their best.
by Dr. Alison Poulsen
Read “Overgeneralization: ‘You never show appreciation.’”
Watch “How to ask for more affection, intimacy and sex…and…how not to.”
Read “Seeking approval: ‘Why doesn’t my father appreciate me and all that I have accomplished?’”
“Mississippi Blues” by Mimi Stuart ©
If asked about your past relationships, rather than starting on a diatribe of complaints, you could simply say, “We went our separate ways,” or “We grew apart.”
Grow up, don’t put down
Better yet, find a way to view your difficult relationships of the past with perspective and find a silver lining. After all, you were together for a reason and probably got something out of the relationship.
It is often through the very gridlock and troubles in a relationship that we learn who we are and what our boundaries are.
We all live and learn from experience, especially from painful episodes that cause us to grow.
There may be times when you do want to talk about a painful relationship with a close friend in order to gain insight about yourself or the relationship or to share what you have learned. Yet self-reflective conversations are very different from complaining about and belittling others. Remember to stick to the former, where your intent is to understand, grow, gain peace, and become more whole.
by Dr. Alison Poulsen
Twitter: @alisonpoulsen
Read “My negative emotions bring me down. I tend to dwell on feeling hurt or angry.”