Some couples deal with their own chronic anxiety by focusing on one of their children. The family projection process, as Psychologist Murray Bowen called it, develops unintentionally.
A couple concentrates their attention on a child with a learning disability, asthma, or any disability—real or perceived. By focusing on the child, they neglect something else in their life, such as facing their own wounds or marital problems. Over time the child senses how important it is to accept and even foster this attention, to avoid the alternative, as for example, the underlying tension of an increasingly-afflicted marriage.
"Blue Angels" by Mimi Stuart Live the Life you Desire
Feelings of fear and worry are important to get our attention in times of danger. Once we are alerted to difficulties, however, we need to harness fear and worry in favor of our personal power. The most useful powers in times of difficulty include courage, love, and clear thinking.
If you are on an airplane that is in danger of crashing, would you want the pilot and flight attendants to be frightened and freaked out, or focused and unruffled?
Experiencing vulnerability is a crucial part of being able to feel empathy and love. Being able to feel sadness, longing, and fear is that which allows great artists, writers and musicians to convey the depths of the human experience.
However, we should not allow feelings and vulnerability to take over. Worry and anxiety are contagious and paralyzing. It is the power of our capabilities, our thinking, our courage, and our optimism that can best handle the inevitable difficulties of life.
In fact, the greater your ability to feel vulnerable AND CONTAIN feelings of fear and vulnerability without succumbing to anxiety, the greater comfort you will be to your daughter and the more you can be of help and continue to effectively function in times of crisis.
When you feel calm and courageous, you can clearly analyze your daughter’s situation without alternating between fake cheer and anxiety-ridden panic. You can also become a source of authentic strength and optimism.
"Resolute" by Mimi Stuart Live the Life you Desire
You may be projecting your own desire to be taken care of onto your child and therefore over-mother him. Ironically, this over-protection causes increased sensitivity and anxiety in both you and the child.
Life is difficult and can be challenging. It’s our responsibility as parents to prepare our children for those challenges. Too much protection and anxiety on the part of the parent can prevent the child from learning to fend for himself and to develop a healthy resilience and independence, leaving the child helpless, fearful, and dependent.
A child needs to gradually develop a sense of emotional separation from the parent. Being firm in a reasonable and respectful way requires having personal authority and the ability to set boundaries and mean it. This is a great thing to role-model for your kids if you want them to be able to stand up for themselves and others.
Start gradually treating your child as though he has some strength and resilience of his own (age-appropriately, of course). Children learn to handle life’s challenges without falling apart through having to muster up some courage in new situations and not necessarily getting what they want. So don’t be afraid to be resolute when it matters. Kids who gradually learn to deal with some pressure and boundaries while feeling secure and loved, grow up to handle most of what life is capable of throwing at them.
"Crack of the Bat" by Mimi Stuart Live the Life you Desire
This weekend I attended two shows by a fantastic comedian, Brad Williams, who happens to be a dwarf. When we went for a drink with him, I asked how he became so funny. He said that as a kid, his father, who is “tall” like the rest of his family, told him that he would be stared at and made fun of his whole life.
His dad said that he had two choices:
1) he could be hurt and feel sorry for himself, or
2) he could make jokes and put others at ease while also educating them about his condition.
To help Brad, his dad would practice teasing and offending him so that he could practice responding with his quickly developing wit. By having increasingly hard-ball comments thrown at him, Brad developed the ability to crack the ball right back with double the impact. Not only can he deflect potential insults, but people feel at ease with him due to his total acceptance of himself, making him a confident and enjoyable man to be around.
It’s natural for parents to want to protect their children. I would tell my child that when people tease or bully others, it comes from a place of fun, ignorance, or their own feelings of inadequacy. In any of these cases, it’s best for the child not to show vulnerability or take things personally. Helping a child to develop an attitude of resilience and humor may be the best way to disarm a potentially hostile world.
"Counterpoint" by Mimi Stuart Living the Life you Desire
This is triangulation, the purpose being to vent anxiety, not to gain insight. The worst kind involves a parent who complains to a child about the other parent, creating a lot of insecurity and anxiety in the child.
Children generally want connection with their parents, even if that entails becoming a confidant in this way. But they pay for a parent’s emotional venting with a growing disrespect for the complaining parent and feelings of guilt for betraying the other parent.
If I were the other parent, I would respond to the child with something like the following: “When people are hurt or disappointed, they sometimes lash out at the person they are hurt by. They tend to focus on and exaggerate the negative qualities of that person. You can tell your mom/dad that it’s painful to hear those complaints, but remember that no one is perfect. Here are a few things to be clear about though: This is not your fault. It is not your job to fix the problem or to console anyone. This will get easier. And most of all, we will both always love you.”
One of the greatest things we can teach our children is the ability to withstand anxiety. We can best do this by practicing it ourselves—feeling difficult emotions and yet hanging on to both our compassion and our reason, by understanding why the ex-spouse is lashing out and speaking openly without blame and attack.
