Tag Archives: breaking up

“My boyfriend broke up with me last week.”

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"Prism" by Mimi Stuart © Live the Life you Desire

“Prism” by Mimi Stuart ©
Live the Life you Desire

“Hi Alison,

My boyfriend broke up with me last week. He was always a little suspicious because I started seeing him before I broke up with my previous boyfriend. He said he loves me but he’s unhappy and doesn’t desire me anymore. He also said that there might be an opportunity for us in the future. I don’t know what to think.

Maia”

Maia,

It sounds to me as though he has mixed feelings about you, as most people do when they are honest and are able to handle ambivalence in a new relationship. At least he’s not like many people who, in order to justify breaking up, vilify the other person and forget all the good experiences they shared.

My guess is that the reason he says he doesn’t rule out getting back together in the future is that he either wants to soften the blow of breaking up with you or he wants to keep his options open.

Possible Reasons For the Breakup

1. The fact that he doesn’t desire you any more may be because he thinks you are untrustworthy given that you started seeing him before you broke up with your previous boyfriend. He may love you and be attracted to you, but he doesn’t want to risk experiencing the pain of potential betrayal.

2. Or perhaps he’s just responding to the normal waning of fascination that inevitably occurs in any romantic relationship. He may be the type who is always seeking that initial excitement when two people initially fall in love. You can probably look at his past history to see if he has had a continuous stream of short-term relationships. If that’s the case, you wouldn’t want to try to have a long-term relationship with him anyway.

3. Another possibility is that he has met someone else and doesn’t want to admit it.

4. Or there may be something bothering him that he is not telling you in order to spare your feelings. If you are curious for the purpose of understanding and your personal growth, you might ask him to tell you what he thinks is missing in your relationship.

5. Finally, there may be something else going on in his life that he hasn’t talked to you about. He says he’s unhappy. You never know if he is facing some other challenges in his life.

Whatever the reason is, if I were you, I would view him as a friend if that is possible, and move on with your life. There is nothing more gratifying than being with someone who really wants to be with you. Also, try keeping your next own relationships clean in terms of trustworthiness. Break up before you date a new person, and everyone involved will respect you more.

Good luck,

Alison

Read “I think I am a pursuer. My girlfriend initiated a breakup. I want to salvage this relationship. What can I do?”

Read “He left me after six months of being together. I keep hoping he’ll come back. Should I call him?”

“He left me after six months of being together. I keep hoping he’ll come back. Should I call him?”

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"Impact—Out of the Sandtrap" by Mimi Stuart ©

“Impact—Out of the Sandtrap”
by Mimi Stuart©

Given that he left you, your calling him is unlikely to bring him back. He is more likely to come back if you resist the temptation to pursue him.

People lose their passion for another person for a variety of reasons. They can meet someone else, they might fear intimacy, or they might lose attraction. If I were you, I would let him go. Even if you persuaded him to come back, the relationship would likely be too one-sided to be fulfilling. Do you want to live in fear of his leaving again? Do you want to be with someone who is fickle and unsure about wanting a relationship with you?

Although six months may seem like a long time, it often takes a year or more beyond the initial honeymoon stage after falling in love, to get to know a person well enough to be able to judge whether the relationship might work for the long term. The fact that he left after six months indicates that the relationship is not right for him. So even if he does come back, the relationship is not likely to be a mutual one. Good relationships are mutual.

So instead of waiting, yearning, and hoping, find other interests, people, and activities that will interest you and make you more interesting as well. Maybe he or somebody else will take notice. At least you will be living your life instead of passing time in limbo.

by Alison Poulsen, PhD

Read “I think I am a pursuer. My girlfriend initiated a breakup. I want to salvage this relationship. What can I do?”

Read “Sadness: ‘I’m overcome with sadness about this divorce.’”

Read Guest Author Michael A. Singer’s “I want to be happy, but my wife left me.”

Ending an Abusive Relationship:
“I feel guilty leaving my abusive partner, because I have compassion for him.”

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"Roar" by Mimi Stuart © Live the Life you Desire

“Roar” by Mimi Stuart ©
Live the Life you Desire

Life would be so simple if a person were either all good or all bad. However, most people, even abusive people, have some good qualities or they would not have drawn others into their orbit to begin with.

Abuse in a relationship usually arises over time and stems from the abuser’s insecurity and fear. So it can be easy for a compassionate person to feel empathy even for a partner, even if they have been abusive.

How far should compassion go?

Compassion means trying to understand another person’s frame of mind. However, it does not mean putting up with and living with someone who is abusive. We can be compassionate without compromising our own boundaries and self-respect.

Compassion never means accepting or living with abuse. You can have compassion for someone’s flaws without accepting a relationship overwhelmed by abuse, contempt, or fear. You can have compassion for someone’s weaknesses without giving up what is yours morally and legally.

Abusive vs. healthy relationships

In abusive relationships, people live in a defensive, fearful state of mind. Rather than being open and candid, they have to tip-toe around and avoid speaking their mind to avoid conflict, hostility, and abuse. Living in a constant state of vigilance and dread leads to a deep sense of insecurity.

In healthy relationships partners try to overcome that insecurity in order to promote what is best for the other person because it is in both partners’ best interest to be supportive and encouraging. They attempt to override their fear with love and compassion for the other person.

Relationships are meant to be mutually supportive and life-enhancing. When two people live together, each should want the other to thrive and be happy.

Listen to your inner voice

The most important voice you need to listen to and address is your inner voice—or intuition—that protects you. Despite negative feelings about leaving the situation, such as guilt, fear, or feeling like a failure, you must remind yourself that leaving an abusive person is an act of self-protection and self-respect. No one in their right mind who knows the circumstances of the abuse you confront and cares about you would blame you for leaving. So do not stay in a relationship for appearances’ sake.

You are entitled to independence, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness without the limitations imposed on you by an abusive partner. You don’t need to vilify your partner. You can continue to appreciate the positive experiences you enjoyed together. Yet you must honor yourself by setting boundaries and insisting that your former partner does so as well.

Treat your former partner with respect. But remember it takes both of you to continue to be respectful after the relationship ends. If your ex does not keep their end of the bargain, then it is time to let go of any hope that you can maintain a friendship, and you might have to avoid him or her altogether.

by Dr. Alison Poulsen

Read “Breaking up: ‘I feel miserable and stifled as though I don’t exist in this partnership. I have to move out, but don’t want to hurt him.’”

Read “Compassionate Confrontation: ‘He said he’d spend more time with me, but has not followed through.’”

Read “Abusive emails from an ex: ‘I keep defending myself against never-ending false, accusatory emails from my ex-husband, because I want to stay on good terms.'”