Tag Archives: boundaries

“I don’t want finances to get in the middle of it because I don’t want it to get ugly, I just want to be fair.”

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"Meadow Wander" — Squaw Valley by Mimi Stuart
Live the Life you Desire

Do not make financial decisions based on a fear of intimidation! If you do, then you will remain a victim to intimidating people. It’s a law of human nature that manipulative, self-centered people sense when they have the upper hand with those who fear intimidation and confrontation.

Moreover, people are more willing to do what’s fair when they know they are not dealing with a pushover.

Fairness is an appropriate goal, not avoiding ugliness, because the only way one person can guarantee avoiding ugliness is by being a slave to whatever the other person wants. Two people are in charge of finding a peaceful solution—not just you.

If you are a person who fears confrontation, you have to become willing to face another person’s unpleasant reactions. You can remain calm and gracious without backing down in the face of confrontation. You can’t control how someone else may react, unless you are willing to give in to all demands to appease bad behavior.

You need to be willing to set up boundaries to enjoy peace and harmony.

by Alison Poulsen, PhD

Read “Pleaser and Receiver.”

Read “Dealing with Angry People.”

Boundaries: “Hey, how’s your dinner?”—Jab of the Fork.

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"Roar" by Mimi Stuart
Live the Life you Desire

When you take a bite of your partner’s food without asking, you are crossing a boundary. That kind of intimacy may seem romantic, but the underlying assumption of entitlement can kill passion and your relationship.

Often people think that sharing food without asking is a sign of intimacy and a perk of a loving relationship. Actually, the opposite is likely to transpire. If you don’t ask AND wait for your partner’s consent, you are crossing a boundary and showing disrespect.

You might think, “We’re so close that I don’t need to ask—what’s his or hers is mine.” Yet, if there’s not enough separation and respect for a partner’s space, including his or her food, he or she will eventually feel suffocated and show resentment.

It’s these small, hardly noticeable infractions of respect that build up into passive aggressive responses and a desire for freedom and space.

It is a basic instinct to be possessive over food and belongings. One of the first things a child learns to say is, “This is mine. Don’t touch it.”

So when someone reaches across the table to take your food, you will unconsciously have a protective reaction and take offense. The voice of the unconscious will say, “Enemy—get away from my food,” though the conscious mind tries to rationalize, “We’re close, it’s okay.”

If someone asks, “May I have a bite?” then we know the request is limited, and that we still have control over our food, which appeases our inner lion. We do not feel taken for granted and have the opportunity to feel generous by saying, “Yes, try a bite.”

Ironically, respecting others’ boundaries preserves the passion of a relationship, while excessive closeness and possessiveness are the sure way to kill it.

by Alison Poulsen, PhD

Read “Setting Boundaries.”

Helpful vs. Intrusive:
“Stay away from my child, I don’t want you to help her and then say bad things about me!”

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"Off-Road Rumble" Juliana Furtado by Mimi Stuart
Live the Life you Desire

Helpful people are usually well-intentioned, sympathetic, and aware of the needs of others. They take pride in and draw strength from their ability to comfort and nurture others and are able to do so with ease.

Being helpful can be a wonderful quality. However, when the need to contribute becomes over-reaching, it becomes unhealthy and intrusive. A strong desire to help often arises from a need to feel needed in order to feel worthwhile. Wanting to be needed sometimes leads a person to become overly-involved, meddling, and manipulative in other people’s lives.

This relationship became unhealthy when an attempt was made to create an alliance with your daughter by weakening her relationship with you. This undermines your relationship with your daughter and causes more suffering rather than helping your family.

It’s important to insist on boundaries for you and your daughter. The most effective and compassionate way to do so would be to acknowledge the adult’s desire to be helpful, and then to clearly state what you want.

You might say, “I appreciate your desire to help my daughter. But when you say negative things about me, that hurts us both. We need to work things out in our own way. So for the time being, it would be most helpful if you gave her some space. Please don’t discuss me or our lives with her.”

You might also tell your child that when people try to establish a connection by demeaning someone else, everyone suffers. Tell her that if this occurs again, she can say, “It makes me uncomfortable when you say negative things about my mom. You better talk to her directly.”

by Alison Poulsen, PhD

Read “Stop complaining about me to my child.”

“No, don’t bring John to my party. He’s loud and obnoxious.”

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"Course Correction" Paula Creamer by Mimi Stuart
Live the Life you Desire

If a friend wants to bring someone to your party that you don’t care for, you don’t have to say “yes.” If you are going to feel resentful about having that person at your house, that’s a sign that you should say “no.”

There’s no reason to be negative and judgmental though. That would simply put your friend on the defensive.

Keep it positive and limit yourself to “I” statements: “I just want to have close friends at my party. I’d really like you to come, but I’m not that close to John. Sorry to disappoint you.” Or, “There are a lot of people coming already. I’d rather not invite anyone else. Sorry. But I hope YOU can make it.”

Light, upbeat, and guilt-free is best!

by Alison Poulsen, PhD

Read “Setting Boundaries.”

Read “Getting off the phone with people who talk forever.”