“Basso Profundo” by Mimi Stuart ©
Live the Life you Desire
Anger is often a signal that you or somebody you care about is being treated unfairly or being harmed. Being consumed by anger is not only unhealthy and unpleasant, it also causes you to be ineffective in dealing with the situation you are angry about.
Here are four steps to take to avoid becoming consumed by anger: Continue reading
“Enlightenment” Dalai Lama by Mimi Stuart © Live the Life you Desire
Emotions such as fear and anger are signals that warn you to pay attention to your physical surroundings, your situation or your relationships. Appropriate fear and anger often mean that you may be in danger or are being treated unfairly.
When you feel stressed, becoming overwhelmed with emotion is counterproductive to taking appropriate action or communicating with others. So when you experience strong emotions, take a deep breath, and then switch over to your intuition and rational mind to determine what to do next.
Calm down
It is very important to calm down and get centered before you communicate. Otherwise your anxiety and stress will be ineffective and infectious. Your tone of voice will betray you and put the other person on the defensive and prevent you from resolving the situation.
You may need to talk with someone else or take a walk alone to calm your emotions. It may take a few minutes or it may take hours to feel balanced and calm enough to be able to have an effective conversation. In serious situations, such as infidelity or a breakup, it may take days or weeks to get enough handle over your emotions to have an effective conversation.
If someone wants to talk immediately but you need time to feel in control, it is critical that you say that you need to calm down first and to do so. Give a time frame: “I need some time to calm down. Let’s talk in five minutes/after dinner/tomorrow.” Otherwise, if you simply walk away, the other person may feel rejected, abandoned, or ignored and become angry, which is not helpful.
If the other person says, “What do you mean? Let’s talk about it now,” just firmly say, “That’s not going to be productive. I need some time.” Stand firm and don’t be swayed.
Tone of voice
Tone of voice and body language are more important than words. Some research says that they account for 80% of what is communicated. They can convey positive intention, self-control, respect, and self-respect, which will make it more likely that others will listen to you. Or they can communicate weakness, loss of control, and desperation, which can put others on the defensive. Even if you are extremely angry, it is more powerful and effective to show self-control than to let your anger loose.
No judgment
Avoid negative judgment, name-calling, and expressing yourself in a way that makes the other person feel attacked. Keep yourself from exaggerating or listing all the bad things the other person has ever done. Communicating effectively will result in the other person actually listening to you.
You’ll have a more productive conversation if you say, “I waited for 20 minutes. What happened?” than if you exclaim: “You drive me crazy the way you are always late. You are so rude!”
Feelings
Some people tend to control others rather than simply state their own emotions because they don’t want to seem weak or self-oriented. Yet a direct declaration of one’s feelings is powerful, not weak. Rather than attacking the other person, state your own feeling: “I was worried.” “I felt angry.” “I’m disappointed.” “I was sad.” “I felt frustrated.” When you state what you are feeling, no one can reasonably argue with it.
Emotions are not judgments such as, “I feel that you are selfish.” That’s a negative judgment pretending to be a feeling.
It is important not to become identified with or immersed in what your emotions. If you are sad, you can show a little sadness, but don’t fall apart. If you are angry, express the fact that you are angry, but don’t become ballistic.
People who are able to express their emotions without being overwhelmed by them garner more respect and empathy from others. They are also more capable of dealing effectively with the problems being signaled.
Desires and needs
Express what you desire, value, or need. “I would like more intimacy.” “I want a trusting relationship.” “I need support.” “I would like to have more time alone each day.” “I want to pursue my passions.”
Some people don’t like to communicate their needs because they don’t want to appear needy. Yet a direct declaration what you value and want is less manipulative than using blame or guilt trips. Such openness also supports the other person’s autonomy, allowing the other person to choose his or her actions freely.
Needs and desires are general, not tied to a particular person. For example, “I need you to love me more” should be replaced with “I want to be in a relationship with someone who really loves me and expresses it.”
No one can argue against your desires or needs even if they might not fulfill them.
Make a specific positive request
Transform the relationship
If you make repeated reasonable requests and another person repeatedly refuses to accommodate you, that is the other person’s prerogative. However, you should probably change your expectations of the other person and in some cases consider changing the scope of the relationship.
by Alison Poulsen, PhD
“Kej” from the Mayan Calendar Collection by Mimi Stuart © Live the Life you Desire
Anger as a signal
When you feel anger rising in your belly, your subconscious is generally warning you to pay attention and perhaps to take action in order to avoid potential pain or loss.
Anger can be a powerful emotion. In threatening circumstances, it can be channeled effectively to help defend yourself or others, to command action, or to set and maintain boundaries. In many circumstances, however, expressing raw anger prevents understanding and perpetuates suffering — yours and others.
Beneath the anger
When you view anger as a signal, then the most effective response is to pause and reflect before taking action. Assessing the emotion and thoughts underlying the anger is generally the best way to plan how to rectify the situation or avoid further injustice.
Often it is helpful to figure out specifically what is underlying the anger. Generally, anger is triggered by fear of immediate loss, pain, or future damage, or by the recognition of an injustice. For example, you might fear being physically or emotionally hurt, or being abandoned or losing someone you love. You might fear financial insecurity or being ridiculed. Anger is also triggered when you see others hurt or treated unfairly.
The other individual
To be most effective, first consider the perspective of the other individual(s) involved even if you don’t agree with their perspective. You can communicate much more effectively if you can find common ground and if you use a solicitous tone of voice and effective choice of words.
For example,
“Perhaps you meant to help…”
“I imagine this promotion means a lot to you…”
“I know economic times are rough…”
“You seem to have a lot going on in your life…”
How to communicate anger effectively
The best communication occurs when people show their vulnerability while remaining self-possessed, in other words, if they don’t give in to the underlying vulnerability and they don’t go ballistic. So, don’t attack, cry, beg or whine. Stay neutral, find common ground, and state your case or make your point.
Here are some examples of bad vs. better communication:
Bad: “How dare you talk to me like that!”
Better: “I know you’re upset, but I feel pushed away when you talk to me like that. Would you explain what you want without raising your voice so much.”
Bad: “How selfish of you not to call until the last minute!”
Better: “I know you’ve got a lot on your plate, but when I didn’t hear from you, I was disappointed and decided to make other plans rather than be angry with you.”
In summary, when you feel anger, don’t become reactive, but do the following:
1. Understand what is motivating your anger, so you can be clear about what you want.
2. Find common ground to keep lines of communication open.
3. Express the feelings of fear or sadness that cause your anger without becoming overwhelmed by fear or sadness.
4. Maintain a calm demeanor, that is, maintain your self-respect and self-control.
5. Make a request, not a demand of the other person, if appropriate.
In certain life-endangering circumstances, however, using the full power of your anger could just be the most effective way to prevent harm.
by Alison Poulsen, PhD
“Serenity Buddha” by Mimi Stuart ©
Feeling anger and acting out anger are two very different things. When you feel anger it is usually a signal that some harm is being perpetrated against you or others. However, when you let anger take over, it is no longer an effective way to deal with the harm being done. In rare highly-dangerous situations, expressing rage can be an effective means of scaring a person or an animal away. Yet even when it is effective, you want to be able to consciously choose when and how to express anger.
When anger takes control
The problem with letting your anger take control, rather than viewing it as a signal, is that anger destroys the ability to think rationally, to get along with others, and to find solutions. A single moment of inappropriately expressed anger can destroy an evening, a relationship, or your job. You can undermine a lot of effort and history when you let it drive your actions.
If you’re bound up with dissatisfaction, frustration, or desire for revenge, acting out your anger will not help. It can lead to distraction, accidents, and destruction. It can lead to outbursts, hostility and regret. It can also lead to the loss of reputation, the ability to have positive relationships, and the ability to help others and to participate in the community. Alternatively, anger turned inward can lead to depression.
Cultivate patience
The best way to learn to deal with angry people and your own anger is to cultivate patience. To communicate effectively with another person, you need to wait until neither of you is consumed by anger. Take time to find out why someone else is behaving poorly or treating you unfairly. Take time to understand what underlying values you seek to re-establish in your life and your relationship. Only then can you figure out the most effective way of dealing with a bad situation.
Anger can be overwhelming. So it requires a lot of effort to develop self-restraint and composure. When someone is angry with you, it is important to respond with compassion or at least neutrality, rather than piling your own irrational behavior onto theirs. Patience does not mean accommodation. It means taking the time to understand the situation and the people involved before taking appropriate action from a place of inner strength and calm.
Ask questions and listen until the angry person calms down. If you can’t take being around someone who’s angry, tell the other person you need some time to calm down and think about the situation. Then go for a walk, breathe deeply, and take the time you need until you can gain a wider perspective about the situation.
Cultivate patience with yourself as well as others. The result will be a feeling of equanimity and core strength, which allow for the most effective problem solving and the least pain in your life and in your relationships.
by Dr. Alison Poulsen
Read “Anger: ‘I have a right to be angry.’”
Read “Displaced Anger: ‘All you think about is your career!’”
"Spaceship One" by Mimi Stuart ©
Live the Life you Desire
Anybody can become angry — that is easy, but to be angry with the right person and to the right degree and at the right time and for the right purpose, and in the right way — that is not within everybody’s power and is not easy.
~Aristotle
Anger is usually a reaction to fear — fear of being hurt, overlooked, or betrayed, for instance. Anger is a helpful emotion insofar as it makes us aware of possible unfairness or mistreatment. It can appropriately signify that an injustice has been done or is occurring. Thus, don’t eliminate or repress anger altogether, but take note of it and inquire into the real causes of the injustice without jumping to conclusions or jumping into a tirade.
Ongoing rage is often the disposition of people who are ineffective, unaccountable, and powerless. People who storm around, rave, and point fingers don’t take responsibility for themselves and are ineffective in improving their situation.
One of the keys to making anger our ally is to develop the habit of clarifying how much we ourselves as opposed to others may be contributing to the unfairness or offense. For instance, we may be contributing by continuing to overlook mistreatment as it gradually worsens, or by provoking someone with veiled insults or a condescending attitude.
As people become more accountable for their own participation in a problem, the bitterness felt tends to diminish. While angry and aware, you hear another voice inside saying, “you’re overreacting; you’ll have to be accountable for this,” or “you’re staying in this unworkable situation; you’ll have to get out of it.” Knowing that you will have to be accountable and take action tends to subdue the inner drama-queen.
When intimates know that you will eventually take responsibility for your part in a confrontation and take real action regarding mistreatment from others, whether that occurs in five minutes or three days, the exchange tends to be less rancorous. The fact that others know that you will be accountable and hold them accountable adds some seriousness to the exchange while lessening some of the harm caused by seething accusations.
Learning to see the situation from the other person’s perspective takes away the intensity of the anger and informs you how to communicate effectively with that person or take necessary action. When you learn to look at several perspectives at once, rather than being locked into your own perspective, your anger softens, and so will your self-righteousness. Moreover, you’ll be able to focus on taking effective action, which is where real power lies.
by Alison Poulsen, PhD
Read “Flexibility: ‘My negative emotions bring me down. I tend to dwell on feeling hurt or angry.'”