Tag Archives: anger

Why Threats Backfire:
“If you touch my computer again, you’ll be grounded for a week!!”

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"Camminando" by Mimi Stuart
Live the Life you Desire

Yelling and anger have their place if you want to get someone’s attention in an emergency, a crisis, or for self-defense. Yet, it turns out that the more dramatic the anger and threats of punishment are, the more likely that they will backfire in the long-run.

Stunning research shows that in the short-term, anger and threats work just as effectively as calm requests to get children to refrain from certain undesirable behavior. HOWEVER, in the long-term, studies show that 77% of the kids who were given angry threats would go on to engage in the forbidden behavior, whereas just a a third of the kids who were calmly asked to refrain from the behavior would try the behavior later.

The strong emotions connected with a threat decrease a person’s ability to think clearly. Neurologists think that when the adult makes powerful threats, the child unconsciously concludes, “If someone is using all that effort to stop me from doing that, it must really be something I really want to do.” The heated threat actually creates in the child a strong desire to do the very thing you find undesirable.

So it is better to ask the child in a calm and reasonable manner not to do something. If they ask “Why not?” it’s best to ask them to work out possible reasons. You are likely to get a much better long term response.

by Alison Poulsen, PhD

Reference: Richard Wiseman, Author of “59 Seconds: Think a little, Change a lot.”

Lying: “I get so mad that my family lies to me all the time.”

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"Lie to me" Jonny Lang by Mimi Stuart
Live the Life you Desire

Would you have lied to a Nazi during WWII if you had been Jewish? Most of us probably would have, because the consequences of telling the truth would have been deadly.

This is an extreme example, but take it down dramatically. People often learn to distort or hide the truth when they fear dire consequences or over-reaction.

People learn to react to emotionally-dangerous circumstances in different ways. These ways include being rebellious, disappearing physically or emotionally, and being compliant, which may lead to lying.

Part of being compliant is adapting to what we think the other person wants in order not to arouse an adverse reaction. A compliant person might hide the truth or distort it in order to avoid hostility or to gain connection.

You won’t stop lying by pounding your fist on the table or by seething with anger. You’ll just cause others to avoid you and become more astute in their deviousness.

So if your family members hide the truth or lie to you in order to please or appease you, it’s worthwhile for you to look at whether your reactions have something to do with it. Consider whether you tend to react with a lot of drama, criticism, or hostility.

Ask yourself whether you can handle the truth.

Although you can’t guarantee truth-telling, the way to promote it is by being compassionate and reasonable. This doesn’t mean that there can’t be consequences for bad behavior. But if you generally respond with reasonable discussion and suitable consequences, people will be more willing to be honest with you.

by Alison Poulsen, PhD

Read “Manipulation: I can’t stand dealing with people who are manipulative.”

When Others are Angry:
“I can’t deal with my husband’s anger, even though his anger’s about someone at work. I just walk away.”

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"Sound Wave" by Mimi Stuart
Live the Life you Desire

If you can’t handle being in the room when your spouse is angry, then leaving might be necessary. But try not to walk away without an explanation, or he might feel rejected or abandoned. Explain that you feel overwhelmed by the force and volume of his voice, even though you know he’s not angry at you. Tell him that you want to hear what’s going on his life at work, when he’s calmer.

It is important to let your spouse know that although his anger may be justified, that his angry energy and loud tone of voice make you feel apprehensive and upset, as though he’s angry at you. On the other hand, consider whether you are perhaps overly sensitive to any display of anger, in which case you might want to work on thickening your skin and resilience.

Should you have compassion for someone who is angry? Absolutely, even though it may not be easy. It helps to see through the anger to the underlying hurt or fear that’s fueling that anger. When you see the vulnerability underneath, it’s much harder to take anger personally, even if it were aimed at you.

by Alison Poulsen, PhD

Read “Dealing with Angry People.”

Read “Being Firm with a Sensitive Child.”