Tag Archives: affection

“Sex without affection is not working for me. But I don’t want to lose his friendship as he is such an interesting man.”

Posted on by
Reply

"R&B for Two" by Mimi Stuart ©

“R&B for Two” by Mimi Stuart ©

You need to have the courage to speak your mind to your friend, but you can do so in a positive and attractive way that will make you more appealing. Tell him how much you appreciate him, enjoy his company and care about him. Yet let him know what your specific needs are. You feel that a sexual relationship is more satisfying for you when there is a greater emotional and physical connection, shown through affection.

If he is not willing and happy to comply with your wishes, then tell him that you would like to continue on as friends, but not friends with privileges.

Such an clarification is not a demand or a criticism. It’s an honest expression of your own feelings and desires, and it is likely to make you more desirable to him either as a friend or a partner. If he really cares for you and is capable of it, he will become more affectionate. If not, you might retain him as a friend.

However, you should be prepared that he may abandon the relationship. If he backs away, then you’ll know where you stand. But continuing the relationship on the current terms will only leave you feeling jaded or insipid. It is important to honor your own self-worth rather than to compromise yourself in order to please another person’s desires. So honor the fact that it is not working for you to have casual sex which leaves you feeling empty.

If you lose his friendship because of your preference not to have uninspired sex, you will be better off. Remember that only you can determine what works for you and what kind of relationship is life-enhancing for you. Don’t leave that decision in someone else’s hands. Yet people have different capabilities and personalities, and they are rarely mind-readers. So it is worth the effort to express your desires before giving up on the possibilities of having a fulfilling relationship.

by Dr. Alison Poulsen

Watch “How to ask for more affection, intimacy and sex…and…how not to.”

Read “We broke up because of sexual incompatibility.”

Read “You never touch me! You’re not attracted to me anymore, are you?”

“I often feel depressed, anxious and desperate when my girlfriend is not giving me enough attention. For example, if she takes too long to reply to my text messages or is not very affectionate.”

Posted on by
2

"Rocket Man" by Mimi Stuart ©

“Rocket Man” by Mimi Stuart ©

Validation

People who need attention or validation in order to feel secure must step back and learn to cope with that longing without acting on it. Otherwise they create a vicious cycle that will ultimately backfire. The more desperate and insecure you become, the less likely you are to be validated by others or to get the attention you crave.

Even if you do receive validation in this situation, it’s likely to be out of a sense of pity or guilt rather than freely given.

Thus, for your own well-being, you need to resist the urge to pursue validation from your girlfriend. Avoid the use of manipulation, guilt, pleading and covert reciprocal bargains, such as the unstated, “I’ll flatter you if you flatter me.”

Texting

People differ in how effusive they are in emails, texts, and on the phone. There is no correct way to be. Accept your girlfriend for who she is, and give her positive feedback when she is more affectionate or attentive in her texts to you.

When dealing with feelings of anxiety and desperation, remind yourself to resist acting on those feelings in order to avoid pushing her away.

Do something interesting

Instead of getting angry at her or sending a needy text, find other things to do during those moments of anxiety that will make you a more whole and interesting person. Once you focus on another engaging activity you will feel less anxiety. Moreover, you will become more interesting and desirable to her and others around you.

Decide what activities you will do when you feel lonely or insecure–read a book, learn a language, go for a run or a walk, play the guitar, write poetry, watch Ted Talks, or the like. Find a few interesting things to do and then develop the willpower and self-discipline to do them, instead of letting your anxiety and anger get the better of you.

It may be hard at first, and then it will become easier because you will enjoy doing your own thing. The result will be a more interesting, confident, and well-rounded person, who will be more desirable to be with. The bonus will be increased interest and attention from your girlfriend.

by Dr. Alison Poulsen
@alisonpoulsen

Read “I end up arguing with him because he’s usually too busy working to talk.”

Read “Does she like me? She doesn’t text me like she did at the beginning.”

How to ask for more affection, intimacy and sex…and…how not to.

Posted on by
Reply

Click on the picture below to watch the short video:

It’s very frustrating and disheartening when affection and intimacy are lacking in a relationship. How do you talk to your partner about your desire for more romance and physical affection and intimacy without putting him or her on the defensive?

First, let’s look at how you do not want to approach your partner about your desire for more affection and intimacy in your relationship. Here are some approaches to avoid:

1. Avoid being accusatory.

2. Avoid complaining. Whining and complaining push the other person away.

3. Avoid being defeatist. Expecting the worst is weak and unattractive.

4. Avoid being self-deprecating. Insecurity and self-criticism are unappealing and a turn-off.

5. Avoid negative attacks. Attacking your partner will cause him or her to become hostile, not warm and loving.

6. Avoid the biological needs argument. If you want to increase the desire and sexual intimacy in your relationship, don’t treat your partner as an object to be used to satisfy your needs.

There are several components that are important to expressing your desire for more physical affection and intimacy.

1. Build the foundation. Don’t start at the finish line. Start at the beginning as though you are dating or courting. Build a foundation of respect, fun and romance.

2. Appreciate the positive. Appreciation and subtle flirtation throughout the day allow desire to develop.

3. Ask for feedback and listen. Find out what’s going on in your partner’s mind. Find out why he or she has lost desire for you and don’t become defensive or hostile.

4. Express your desires in a positive way. For example, “I’d like to be in a relationship that’s affectionate, romantic, fun, and where we can express our love physically.” “I’d like to be in a relationship where both partners enjoy sex.”

5. Ask for ideas and input. Find out what he or she would like to see in the relationship.

Remember that tone of voice and demeanor are more important than the words you use. Convey self-respect and self-empowerment as well as compassion and love for your partner.

If there has been a history of controlling behavior or contempt, then lack of desire will be more entrenched and counseling may be necessary.

by Dr. Alison Poulsen

@alisonpoulsen
https://www.facebook.com/dralisonpoulsen

Read “Sustaining Desire: ‘It doesn’t matter. Let’s just watch TV.’”

Watch “Seven Keys To A Fantastic Relationship.”

“You never touch me! You’re not attracted to me anymore, are you?”

Posted on by
Reply

"The Kiss" by Mimi Stuart © Live the Life you Desire

“The Kiss” by Mimi Stuart ©
Live the Life you Desire

So… what I really meant was…

“I loved it when we hugged and you kissed me the other day. I love your touch. Let’s do that more often.”

Complaining is very unattractive and ineffective. If you want someone to desire you, it’s better to be appreciative of that person and show your desire for him or her. Make sure your tone of voice and demeanor are full of love and self-confidence, not neediness and insecurity.

There is an enormous difference between expressing your desires in a self-empowered way and being needy. Being needy is a turn-off. Delight and joie de vivre are alluring. If you want more affection, have a sparkle in your eye when you invite your partner to be more affectionate.

by Alison Poulsen, PhD

Read “You never kiss me anymore.”

Read “Desire: ‘I’ve got needs, but she pretends she’s asleep.’”

Read “We broke up because of sexual incompatibility.”

Read “Sensuality: ‘I’m just not a sensual person.’”

“You never kiss me anymore.”

Posted on by
1

"Pisces" by Mimi Stuart
Live the Life you Desire

Many couples gradually stop kissing over time. This can be a sign that they no longer cherish each other, because indifference or resentment has insidiously invaded the relationship.

It’s important to have frank conversations about the changes in your relationship that bother you. The situation is not going to improve without broaching the subject.

If you want the truth, don’t complain, whine, or anticipate feeling hurt. Be direct, but set the stage so that your partner won’t feel attacked. You could say something like, “I like being in a relationship with affection and intimacy. I’d like to know why you don’t kiss me anymore.”

Be ready for an honest response. Hopefully, it’s something easy to deal with—maybe one of you has bad breath, in which case it’s easy to talk to a dentist or doctor.

It could be something more serious, such as lack of desire and attraction. Many things can lead to lack of desire. Here are three main areas to consider:

1. People stop being affectionate when they feel resentment, which can result from being taken for granted, treated as secondary, or dealt with in a controlling, critical way. Ask whether your attitude toward your partner is causing him or her to withdraw affection and openness.

2. People may also lose interest when their partners let themselves go, living in such a way that shows they’ve lost respect for themselves. When people don’t have the discipline or motivation to take care of themselves physically, intellectually, and emotionally, their partners generally lose desire for them.

Ask yourself whether your attitude toward yourself is inviting desire. We’re not talking about getting face-lifts and liposuction, but simply maintaining a healthy lifestyle and vibrancy about yourself.

3. Kissing may come to an end because it is too mechanical, lackluster, or insensitive. This might reflect one’s attitude toward oneself or the other person or it might be the result of not being tuned in with one’s sensuality.

Some people view kissing to be the most intimate of physical contact, revealing a person’s true sensuality. To engage in good kissing, like engaging in a good relationship, you have to be full of curiosity and appreciation while intentionally focusing on the real beauty of the person being kissed.

by Alison Poulsen, PhD

Read “I’ve got needs but she pretends she’s asleep.”