Tag Archives: affairs

Infidelity: “Hoping and wishing my husband would give me the same love he showers on other women over ten years of infidelity.”

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Reach for the Moon by Mimi Stuart
Live the Life you Desire

To get a better perspective, imagine your situation in reverse. Suppose you were the unfaithful one having various affairs with other men, and that your husband put up with that kind of behavior for ten years. What would you think about your husband? Would you have any respect for him?

I think that the answer is “no.”

A person has more respect for someone who shows a strong sense of self-respect. To gain self-respect, it’s important to learn to set boundaries and to make decisions based on what is healthy for you rather than on wishful thinking. Ultimately, you need the courage to face your fear of life without him.

Unfortunately, your longing to stay with someone who does not treat you in a reciprocal, loving way, with respect and compassion, will not change him into someone who will love, respect, and cherish you. Staying with someone who repeatedly has affairs will only drain away any self-respect and joie de vivre you have left.

The best way to avoid having to endure such hurtful behavior from someone is not to put up with it. Ask yourself what has kept you tied to him for so long. It sounds as though it is the hope that things will improve together with a fear of moving on by yourself.

Do not be afraid to live alone. When you start choosing people and activities that enhance your life and your well-being, your strength and self-empowerment will grow. You will be amazed at what might turn up in your life. Let go of your fear, set some suitable boundaries and be prepared to walk away.

by Alison Poulsen, PhD

Read “I can’t live without him/her” by Sam Vaknin, PhD.

Read “The emotional affair: Well, I’m not having a sexual affair” by Jennifer Freed, PhD.

“After multiple affairs, he promised he’d never cheat on me again. Can I trust him this time?”

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"Shh!" Tiger Woods by Mimi Stuart ©
Live the Life you Desire

No. Sorry to say, someone who repeatedly cheats on his or her partner is unlikely to stop.

Repeated cheating often involves a ravenous craving for both psychological validation and the dopamine high that are briefly produced in the affair. Having multiple liaisons allows a person to escape his anxieties, feel pleasure, and feel validated by being desired.

A vicious cycle of release, shame, and desire to fend off unwanted emotions by seeking release has probably been wired into his brain—it has become an addiction.

If his behavior is that of a sex addict, it has probably caused his self-esteem and average dopamine levels to be lowered. This will likely drive him to an even more desperate pursuit of the temporary high that affairs provide.

Novelty heightens the senses and intensifies passion. For someone who has affairs, the novelty lies in being with a new person.

Novelty with the same partner means having the courage to bring new meaning and depth to that relationship—to let oneself be known on a deeper level, to bring freshness to the relationship. To do these things, one must risk rejection.

It takes courage and a sense of adventure to go beyond the routine of a committed relationship, and bring the BEST of oneself to the same partner. It would be far more challenging, and ultimately rewarding, for your partner to face his fears and risk invalidation with someone who really knows him—you, OR at least to approach you honestly in discussing the troubles in your relationship.

As for any addict, it takes a great deal of motivation and courage to learn to resist seeking the quick high that the addict has found so compelling. To rewire a neurological highway requires tremendous determination to be willing to face emotional anxieties and resist physical cravings, and will likely require getting counseling and/or going to Sex Addicts Anonymous.

by Alison Poulsen, PhD

Read “Attractions outside the Marriage.”

Read “Sustaining Desire: ‘It doesn’t matter. Let’s just watch TV.’”

Watch “Seven Keys To A Fantastic Relationship.”