Tag Archives: abuse

Guest Author Sam Vaknin, PhD
“Should I Stay Or Should I Leave?”
The Tremendous Costs of Staying with an Abusive Person with Narcissistic Personality Disorder.

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"Jeremy" by Mimi Stuart ©
Live the LIfe you Desire

To victims of abuse, my advice is unequivocal:

LEAVE NOW.

Leave before the effects of abuse – including PTSD (Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder) – become entrenched. Leave before your children begin to pay the price as well.

But, if you insist on staying (always against the best interests of yourself and your nearest and dearest) – here is a survival manual, which highlights the tremendous costs of staying with an abusive narcissist:

FIVE DON’T DO’S

How to Avoid the Wrath of the Narcissist

1. Never disagree with the narcissist or contradict him;

2. Never offer him any intimacy;

3. Look awed by whatever attribute matters to him (for instance: by his professional achievements or by his good looks, or by his success with women and so on);

4. Never remind him of life out there and if you do, connect it somehow to his sense of grandiosity;

5. Do not make any comment, which might directly or indirectly impinge on his self-image, omnipotence, judgment, omniscience, skills, capabilities, professional record, or even omnipresence. Bad sentences start with: “I think you overlooked … made a mistake here … you don’t know … do you know … you were not here yesterday so … you cannot … you should … (perceived as rude imposition, narcissists react very badly to restrictions placed on their freedom) … I (never mention the fact that you are a separate, independent entity, narcissists regard others as extensions of their selves, their internalization processes were screwed up and they did not differentiate properly) …” You get the gist of it.

The EIGHT DO’S

How to Make your Narcissist Dependent on You If you INSIST on Staying with Him.

1. Listen attentively to everything the narcissist says and agree with it all. Don’t believe a word of it but let it slide as if everything is just fine, business as usual.

2. Personally offer something absolutely unique to the narcissist which they cannot obtain anywhere else. Also be prepared to line up future sources of primary narcissistic supply for your narcissist because you will not be IT for very long, if at all. If you take over the procuring function for the narcissist, they become that much more dependent on you, which makes it a bit tougher for them to pull their haughty stuff – an inevitability, in any case.

3. Be endlessly patient and go way out of your way to be accommodating, thus keeping the narcissistic supply flowing liberally, and keeping the peace (relatively speaking.)

4. Be endlessly giving. This one may not be attractive to you, but it is a take it or leave it proposition.

5. Be absolutely emotionally and financially independent of the narcissist. Take what you need: the excitement and engulfment and refuse to get upset or hurt when the narcissist does or says something dumb, rude, or insensitive. Yelling back works really well but should be reserved for special occasions when you fear your narcissist may be on the verge of leaving you; the silent treatment is better as an ordinary response, but it must be carried out without any emotional content, more with the air of boredom and “I’ll talk to you later, when I am good and ready, and when you are behaving in a more reasonable fashion.”

6. If you are a “fixer”, then focus on fixing situations, preferably before they become “situations”. Don’t for one moment delude yourself that you can FIX the narcissist – it simply will not happen. Not because they are being stubborn – they just simply can’t be fixed.

7. If there is any fixing that can be done, it is to help your narcissist become aware of their condition, and this is VERY IMPORTANT, with no negative implications or accusations in the process at all. It is like living with a physically handicapped person and being able to discuss, calmly, unemotionally, what the limitations and benefits of the handicap are and how the two of you can work with these factors, rather than trying to change them.

8. FINALLY, and most important of all: KNOW YOURSELF. What are you getting from the relationship? Are you actually a masochist? A codependent perhaps? Why is this relationship attractive and interesting? Define for yourself what good and beneficial things you believe you are receiving in this relationship. Define the things that you find harmful TO YOU. Develop strategies to minimize the harm to yourself.

Don’t expect that you will cognitively be able to reason with the narcissist to change who they are. You may have some limited success in getting your narcissist to tone down on the really harmful behaviours THAT AFFECT YOU, which emanate from the unchangeable WHAT the narcissist is. This can only be accomplished in a very trusting, frank and open relationship.


by Sam Vaknin, PhD, the author of the excellent and comprehensive book on abusive narcissistic personality disorder, “Malignant Self-love: Narcissism Revisited” and other books about personality disorders.

Read “Guest Author Sam Vaknin, PhD: ‘It’s All My Fault; I Provoked Him.’”

Read “Minimizing: ‘He didn’t mean to hurt me. He just pushed me a little too hard.’”

Inner Struggle:
“I’m tired of giving in.”

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"Rosa Parks" by Mimi Stuart
Live the Life you Desire

We often experience a battle between two or more parts of ourselves, usually allowing the same part to win the battle every time. For instance, you may experience a struggle between the relaxed part and the achiever, or the “I want this now” part and the “I better save” part, or the “I don’t want to make waves” part and the “I deserve to be treated fairly” part.

In this last example, it may take being emotionally pummeled and worn out to finally be able to confront mistreatment. Yet, when you ultimately stand up for yourself after giving in to abuse or injustice for a long time, you’re likely to do so in a highly-charged way because that part has been repressed for so long.

While we allow our different inner voices to battle it out, we often end up listening to the same particular inner voice every time — our “primary” self, whether it’s the pleaser, the rule-abider, the rebel, etc. The problem is that when we become one-sided, allowing our primary self to make all the decisions, our relationships and life experiences tend to show us how off-balance we are, usually by difficult lessons because we attract people and situations that are drawn to our weakness.

For instance, if we always go along with others, even when they are self-serving or abusive, we will be exploited and hurt. Occasionally, the other side — the “disowned” part of ourselves — in this case our self-preservation, might flare up. Yet, explosive reactivity is not well integrated, and thus rarely very effective.

How do we avoid becoming emotionally crushed before we make a change in our lives?

Ideally, we free ourselves from the enchantment of the primary part of ourselves. Then we can truly listen to both the primary part and the “disowned” part, rather than simply choosing between the two. It’s similar to running a business. You make better decisions if you listen to all the pertinent departments — perhaps accounting, production, AND sales, rather than choosing only one department to listen to.

It is more difficult and time-consuming to pay attention to all our various needs and desires, such as going along with others and preserving our dignity, and to make a complex decision involving intricacy rather than black or white thinking. Yet, when we take the time to do so, the result will be more balance and wholeness in the way we feel and the choices we make in our lives.

by Alison Poulsen, PhD

Read “The Persona and the Shadow.”

Read “Cool Intervention 7: Voice Dialogue.”

Reference: Drs. Hal and Sidra Stone’s “Embracing Our Selves.”

Minimizing:
“He didn’t mean to hurt me. He just pushed me a little too hard.”

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"Bounteous" by Mimi Stuart ©
Live the Life you Desire


While some people tend to catastrophize, others inappropriately minimize significant actions making them seem unimportant. They refuse to see negative or desirable qualities in their partners or in themselves in order to protect their attachment to their partner, no matter how destructive that attachment may be.

A relationship becomes truly toxic when both partners are minimizers, but each in a different way. The abusive partner downplays his (or her) own misconduct and fallibilities, and denies responsibility in an attempt to compensate for feelings of inadequacy. He belittles his partner’s desirable qualities in an attempt to keep her dependent and make her feel worthless and incapable of finding a better relationship.

On the other hand, the abused partner makes light of verbal or physical abuse because she (or he) fears losing her partner. The longer the abuse continues, the more her self-esteem suffers, causing her to lose the confidence required to stand up for herself or move out on her own.

Understandably, these two types of minimizers feed into each others’ distorted thinking. Thus, it’s difficult for them to foresee and avert the resulting descent into a nightmarish relationship based on fear and contempt.

To avoid spiraling into a self-reinforcing pattern of oppression and suffering, it’s helpful to check your own tendencies to minimize. If those who tend to demean others start looking for positive traits in their partner, they will discover that their relationship can actually become enjoyable and based on desire rather than dependence.

On the other hand, those who tend to understate their own desirable qualities should beware of allowing this perspective to damage their own self-respect. Verbal abuse should not be minimized as it erodes the mutual respect that is the basis of happy and thriving relationships. Physical abuse should never be overlooked or tolerated, as it is antithetical to love, fulfillment, and life itself.

by Alison Poulsen, PhD

Read “Contempt: ‘Don’t look at me that way.'”

Guest Author Sam Vaknin, PhD:
“I Attract Abusers Like a Magnet”

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"Mesmerize" by Mimi Stuart
Live the Life you Desire

Many victims of narcissists are firmly convinced that they have been “chosen” by their abusers because of their capacity to empathize, their innate sensitivity, compassion, and their ability to love and care. Indeed, these qualities tend to attract exploitative psychopathic predators who leverage these human emotions to their advantage.

“Classical” narcissists, however, are actually repelled by such displays of contemptible “mushy” frailties. They regard natural born empaths as deplorable and nauseating weaklings who deserve all the abuse and ill-fortune that life and the narcissist mete out to them.

Narcissists, therefore, are highly unlikely to be drawn to such displays of tenderness, understanding, and sympathy. They are bound to consider them fake manipulative ploys whose sole purpose is either to extract something of value from the gullible narcissist by harping on his emotional needs – or to hurt and torment him once having secured his attachment and reciprocal love. Narcissists attribute to empathic, sensitive persons their own faults, traits, and motives – a primitive psychological defense mechanism known as projection.

So, what is the profile of the “typical” victim of narcissistic abuse?

There is none. Victims come in all shapes, sizes, professions, genders, and ages. They vary in educational and professional attainment; levels of self-esteem and self-confidence; family background; personal history; socio-economic strata; political affiliations; and any other parameter you can think of. Narcissists are not choosy and have no predilections when it comes to sources of narcissistic supply. They shack up with anyone who shows them adulation and showers them with attention.

You ought to get rid of this self-defeating refrain: “I attract abusers like a magnet, I am a narcissist-magnet (N-magnet)”!

Review your life in minute detail. Over the years and in a variety of settings — your family, your workplace, church, voluntary organizations — many people of both sexes must have found your company desirable and your personality agreeable. Were they all narcissists? Surely not! Were all those who found you sexually attractive and sought your friendship and companionship monstrous abusers? Were you victimized in all your relationships whether romantic and intimate or not? There is no way you can answer any of these questions in the affirmative!

If you chose your partners badly, or if you did not extricate yourself post haste once you have been mistreated it must have been your doing! Magnets are passive, they have no judgment, and cannot exert control over their destiny. They are a bad simile: human beings are not an inert, helpless, mindless substance. They are aware of what they are doing; can distinguish right from wrong; can and do act upon information; and exercise judgment. Bad relationships, however harrowing, constitute opportunities to learn lessons. If you fail to do so, you have no one to blame but yourself!

Sam Vaknin, PhD, is the excellent author of “Malignant Self-love: Narcissism Revisited” and other books about personality disorders.

Read Sam Vaknin’s “I can’t live without him/her.”

Guest Author Sam Vaknin, PhD:
“It’s All My Fault; I Provoked Him.”

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"Rovinj at Dawn" by Mimi Stuart
Live the Life you Desire

How often have you heard the following phrases coupled with the most horrific physical, verbal, and psychological abuse: “It’s all your fault, you made me do it” or “look what you made me do!”

Abusers have alloplastic defenses and an external locus of control. This means that they tend to blame others for their misfortunes, mistakes, and misconduct. They believe that the world is a hostile place, “out to get them”, and that there is little they can do to mitigate and ameliorate their failures and defeats. Their acts and choices are brought on by other people’s malevolence, negligence, and stupidity. Abusers regard themselves as eternal victims.

The problem starts when the true victims – often the abuser’s “nearest and dearest” – adopt his/her point of view and begin to feel guilty and responsible for his/her reprehensible behaviors. This folie a deux (literally, in French, “madness in twosome”) or shared psychosis is very common: victims and abusers form symbiotic dyads, abrogate reality, and share the same delusions. They allocate roles: the victim triggers the abuse and deserves it, the abuser is merely a hapless tool, devoid of volition and with an absent impulse-control.

But why would anyone succumb to such a patently fallacious view of the world? Why would anyone assume the guilt for her own torture and maltreatment? Shared psychosis is a complex phenomenon with numerous psychodynamic roots. Some victims fear abandonment and would do anything to placate their abusive intimate partner.

Others grew up in dysfunctional families and are familiar and comfortable with abuse (it is their “comfort zone.”) Some victims are masochistic and others simply want to “make the relationship work.” Fear plays a big part, too: sometimes the only way not to provoke another onslaught is by playing by the abuser’s rules.

So, what can you do about it?

1. Start by realizing a few crucial facts, supported by reams of research and mountain-ranges of court decisions: Abuse is never justified. No amount of discord and provocation warrant violence of any kind (verbal, sexual, physical); The abuser chooses to misbehave. S/he is not compelled to batter you, or berate you, or rape you, or humiliate you; There is nothing you could have done differently to forestall the abuse. You are not guilty, you are not to blame, you are the victim, not the perpetrator. These should be your mantras.

Your abuser doesn’t love you. Abuse and love are antonyms. Abuse is never a form of expressing love.

2. Next, try to figure out why you have acquiesced to your abuser’s behavior. Are you anxious that s/he may abandon you if you stand up for yourself? Are you scared that the abuse may escalate if you resist him/her? Do you feel helpless? Have you always felt this way or is this learned helplessness? Are you truly alone – or do you have supportive friends and family? What about the authorities? Do you trust them to protect you and, if not, why not?

3. Analyze the relationship. Can you reframe your roles? Are you sufficiently strong to put a stop to the abuse by posing conditions, imposing sanctions, and acting on infringements? Is couples therapy an option? If you have answered “no” to any of these three questions, you are better off without your abuser. Start looking for a way out. Plan the getaway in detail and share your intentions with friends, family, and trusted co-workers. Then act on it.

Remember: The world never comes to an end when relationships do — but abuse can be deadly.

by Sam Vaknin, PhD, the excellent author of “Malignant Self-love: Narcissism Revisited” and other books about personality disorders.

Watch Sam Vaknin’s video: “Idealized, Devalued, Dumped.”