Abuse results from inner fear, anger, and pain. Being abusive towards others gives someone who feels powerless, helpless, and scared the feeling of power, which feels better to the abuser than being in pain and powerless.
Obviously, being spiteful and mean to others hurts others, and is not ultimately beneficial or fulfilling to the abuser either. It is like being a heroin addict. Blaming and criticizing others feels good temporarily to the abuser, but leaves him or her emptier, and needing to increase the dosage to feel anything.
Engaging the abuser
Many couples will have occasional fights and will say something mean to one another. But they don’t feel good about themselves and they usually apologize with sincerity. This is not abuse.
Someone who is abusive tries to hurt the other person and does not take responsibility for his or her hurtful words or actions. Unfortunately, you cannot convince someone who does not take personal responsibility of your innocence no matter how you defend yourself. The abusive person is living in a world where he or she is the victim and you are the perpetrator.
Engaging someone’s abuse by getting into email wars, defending every point and attacking back, does not serve anyone. In fact it feeds the abuser’s craving to manipulate your emotions. This puts you in a power struggle with someone whose goal is to win power struggles not to have a loving relationship. Arguing with a bully leads to a vicious cycle of increasingly hostile attacks and ineffective attempts to defend oneself.
Compassion for abusers
You can have compassion for the suffering of those who are abusive by understanding that their actions result from their pain. Often they were abused themselves. However, compassion does not mean that you stop protecting yourself or that you should cater to people who can cause you harm. It does not help the abuser and it definitely does not enhance your well-being to engage in arguments in a futile attempt to vindicate yourself in the abuser’s eyes.
Friendship and harmony
You may want friendship or at least harmony with your ex. But it takes two people to have a friendship. You cannot be friends with someone who wants to make you feel bad. The only way to have a harmonious relationship with someone who is emotionally abusive is to pander to the abuser. However, this will lead to your own inner turmoil and cause you to repress your inner strength, desires, and life force. Thus, true harmony is probably only achievable through distance.
Focus instead on the positive people in your life who care about your well-being and who would not be abusive toward you. You may want to foster new relationships with individuals who want the people in their lives to be happy and not to feel guilty or miserable.
“I admire and support him. I am his biggest fan. I am his right hand and one woman audience. I am his best friend and his only source of succor. Yet, he constantly humiliates and berates me and abuses me in subtle and not-so-subtle ways. What gives?”
Guest Author SAM VAKNIN, PhD writes:
He may be a narcissist.
The narcissist depends on his coterie for Narcissistic Supply. He resents this addictive dependence and himself for being so frail and impotent. It negates his self-delusional grandiose fantasy of omnipotence.
To compensate for this shameful neediness, the narcissist holds his sycophantic acolytes in contempt. He finds his fans, admirers, and followers repulsive and holds them to be inferior. He sees himself reflected in their presumptuousness and sense of entitlement and resents this constant and tawdry reminder.
Fans often claim to possess inside information about their idol and to have special rights to privileged access simply by virtue of their unbridled adulation and time-tested loyalty. But, the narcissist, not being a mere mortal, believes himself to be beyond human comprehension and refuses to render anyone special by granting him or her concessions denied to others. Being special is his exclusive prerogative. His followers conduct implies a certain egalitarian camaraderie which the narcissist finds abhorrent, humiliating, and infuriating.
Groupies and hangers-on somehow fancy themselves entitled to the narcissist’s favour and largesse, his time, attention, and other resources. They convince themselves that they are exempt from the narcissist’s rage and wrath and immune to his vagaries and abuse. This self-imputed and self-conferred status irritates the narcissist no end as it challenges and encroaches on his standing as the only source of preferential treatment and the sole decision-maker when it comes to the allocation of his precious and cosmically significant wherewithal.
The narcissist is the guru at the center of a cult. Like other gurus, he demands complete obedience from his flock: his spouse, his offspring, other family members, friends, and colleagues. He feels entitled to adulation and special treatment by his followers. He punishes the wayward and the straying lambs. He enforces discipline, adherence to his teachings, and common goals. The less accomplished he is in reality – the more stringent his mastery and the more pervasive the brainwashing.
Cult leaders are narcissists who failed in their mission to “be someone” , to become famous, and to impress the world with their uniqueness, talents, traits, and skills. Such disgruntled narcissists withdraw into a “zone of comfort” (known as the “Pathological Narcissistic Space” ) that assumes the hallmarks of a cult.
The – often involuntary – members of the narcissist’s mini-cult inhabit a twilight zone of his own construction. He imposes on them an exclusionary or inclusionary shared psychosis, replete with persecutory delusions, “enemies”, mythical-grandiose narratives, and apocalyptic scenarios if he is flouted.
Exclusionary shared psychosis involves the physical and emotional isolation of the narcissist and his “flock” (spouse, children, fans, friends) from the outside world in order to better shield them from imminent threats and hostile intentions. Inclusionary shared psychosis revolves around attempts to spread the narcissist’s message in a missionary fashion among friends, colleagues, co-workers, fans, churchgoers, and anyone else who comes across the mini-cult.
The narcissist’s control is based on ambiguity, unpredictability, fuzziness, and ambient abuse. His ever-shifting whims exclusively define right versus wrong, desirable and unwanted, what is to be pursued and what to be avoided. He alone determines the rights and obligations of his disciples and alters them at will.
The narcissist is a micro-manager. He exerts control over the minutest details and behaviours. He punishes severely and abuses withholders of information and those who fail to conform to his wishes and goals.
The narcissist does not respect the boundaries and privacy of his reluctant adherents. He ignores their wishes and treats them as objects or instruments of gratification. He seeks to control both situations and people compulsively.
He strongly disapproves of others’ personal autonomy and independence. Even innocuous activities, such as meeting a friend or visiting one’s family require his permission. Gradually, he isolates his nearest and dearest until they are fully dependent on him emotionally, sexually, financially, and socially.
He acts in a patronizing and condescending manner and criticizes often. He alternates between emphasizing the minutest faults (devalues) and exaggerating the talents, traits, and skills (idealizes) of the members of his cult. He is wildly unrealistic in his expectations – which legitimizes his subsequent abusive conduct.
The narcissist claims to be infallible, superior, talented, skilful, omnipotent, and omniscient. He often lies and confabulates to support these unfounded claims. Within his cult, he expects awe, admiration, adulation, and constant attention commensurate with his outlandish stories and assertions. He reinterprets reality to fit his fantasies.
His thinking is dogmatic, rigid, and doctrinaire. He does not countenance free thought, pluralism, or free speech and doesn’t brook criticism and disagreement. He demands – and often gets – complete trust and the relegation to his capable hands of all decision-making.
He forces the participants in his cult to be hostile to critics, the authorities, institutions, his personal enemies, or the media – if they try to uncover his actions and reveal the truth. He closely monitors and censors information from the outside, exposing his captive audience only to selective data and analyses.
The narcissist’s cult is “missionary” and “imperialistic”. He is always on the lookout for new recruits – his spouse’s friends, his daughter’s girlfriends, his neighbours, new colleagues at work. He immediately attempts to “convert” them to his “creed” – to convince them how wonderful and admirable he is. In other words, he tries to render them Sources of Narcissistic Supply.
Often, his behaviour on these “recruiting missions” is different to his conduct within the “cult”. In the first phases of wooing new admirers and proselytising to potential “conscripts” – the narcissist is attentive, compassionate, empathic, flexible, self-effacing, and helpful. At home, among the “veterans” he is tyrannical, demanding, wilful, opinionated, aggressive, and exploitative.
As the leader of his congregation, the narcissist feels entitled to special amenities and benefits not accorded the “rank and file”. He expects to be waited on hand and foot, to make free use of everyone’s money and dispose of their assets liberally, and to be cynically exempt from the rules that he himself established (if such violation is pleasurable or gainful).
In extreme cases, the narcissist feels above the law – any kind of law. This grandiose and haughty conviction leads to criminal acts, incestuous or polygamous relationships, and recurrent friction with the authorities.
Hence the narcissist’s panicky and sometimes violent reactions to “dropouts” from his cult. There’s a lot going on that the narcissist wants kept under wraps. Moreover, the narcissist stabilizes his fluctuating sense of self-worth by deriving Narcissistic Supply from his victims. Abandonment threatens the narcissist’s precariously balanced personality.
The narcissist sees enemies and conspiracies everywhere. He often casts himself as the heroic victim (martyr) of dark and stupendous forces. In every deviation from his tenets he espies malevolent and ominous subversion. He, therefore, is bent on disempowering his devotees. By any and all means. The narcissist is dangerous. ===================================
Guest Author Bio
Sam Vaknin is the author of Malignant Self-love: Narcissism Revisited and After the Rain – How the West Lost the East, as well as many other books and ebooks about topics in psychology, relationships, philosophy, economics, and international affairs.
He is the Editor-in-Chief of Global Politician and served as a columnist for Central Europe Review, PopMatters, eBookWeb, and Bellaonline, and as a United Press International (UPI) Senior Business Correspondent. He was the editor of mental health and Central East Europe categories in The Open Directory and Suite101.
Visit Sam’s Web site at http://www.narcissistic-abuse.com.
Life would be so simple if a person were either all good or all bad. However, most people, even abusive people, have some good qualities or they would not have drawn others into their orbit to begin with.
Abuse in a relationship usually arises over time and stems from the abuser’s insecurity and fear. So it can be easy for a compassionate person to feel empathy even for a partner, even if they have been abusive.
How far should compassion go?
Compassion means trying to understand another person’s frame of mind. However, it does not mean putting up with and living with someone who is abusive. We can be compassionate without compromising our own boundaries and self-respect.
Compassion never means accepting or living with abuse. You can have compassion for someone’s flaws without accepting a relationship overwhelmed by abuse, contempt, or fear. You can have compassion for someone’s weaknesses without giving up what is yours morally and legally.
Abusive vs. healthy relationships
In abusive relationships, people live in a defensive, fearful state of mind. Rather than being open and candid, they have to tip-toe around and avoid speaking their mind to avoid conflict, hostility, and abuse. Living in a constant state of vigilance and dread leads to a deep sense of insecurity.
In healthy relationships partners try to overcome that insecurity in order to promote what is best for the other person because it is in both partners’ best interest to be supportive and encouraging. They attempt to override their fear with love and compassion for the other person.
Relationships are meant to be mutually supportive and life-enhancing. When two people live together, each should want the other to thrive and be happy.
Listen to your inner voice
The most important voice you need to listen to and address is your inner voice—or intuition—that protects you. Despite negative feelings about leaving the situation, such as guilt, fear, or feeling like a failure, you must remind yourself that leaving an abusive person is an act of self-protection and self-respect. No one in their right mind who knows the circumstances of the abuse you confront and cares about you would blame you for leaving. So do not stay in a relationship for appearances’ sake.
You are entitled to independence, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness without the limitations imposed on you by an abusive partner. You don’t need to vilify your partner. You can continue to appreciate the positive experiences you enjoyed together. Yet you must honor yourself by setting boundaries and insisting that your former partner does so as well.
Treat your former partner with respect. But remember it takes both of you to continue to be respectful after the relationship ends. If your ex does not keep their end of the bargain, then it is time to let go of any hope that you can maintain a friendship, and you might have to avoid him or her altogether.
GUEST AUTHOR Sam Vaknin, PhD writes: In his frantic efforts to maintain control or re-assert it, the abuser resorts to myriad of fiendishly inventive stratagems and mechanisms. Here is a partial list: Unpredictability and Uncertainty (Intermittent Reinforcement)
The abuser acts unpredictably, capriciously, inconsistently and irrationally. This serves to render others dependent upon the next twist and turn of the abuser, his next inexplicable whim, upon his next outburst, denial, or smile.
The abuser makes sure that HE is the only reliable element in the lives of his nearest and dearest by shattering the rest of their world through his seemingly insane behaviour. He perpetuates his stable presence in their lives by destabilizing their own.
TIP
Refuse to accept such behaviour. Demand reasonably predictable and rational actions and reactions. Insist on respect for your boundaries, predilections, preferences, and priorities.
Disproportional Reactions
One of the favourite tools of manipulation in the abuser’s arsenal is the disproportionality of his reactions. He reacts with supreme rage to the slightest slight. Or, he would punish severely for what he perceives to be an offence against him, no matter how minor. Or, he would throw a temper tantrum over any discord or disagreement, however gently and considerately expressed. Or, he would act inordinately attentive, charming and tempting (even over-sexed, if need be).
This ever-shifting code of conduct and the unusually harsh and arbitrarily applied penalties are premeditated. The victims are kept in the dark. Neediness and dependence on the source of “justice” meted and judgment passed on the abuser are thus guaranteed.
TIP
Demand a just and proportional treatment. Reject or ignore unjust and capricious behaviour.
If you are up to the inevitable confrontation, react in kind. Let him taste some of his own medicine.
Dehumanization and Objectification (Abuse)
People have a need to believe in the empathic skills and basic good-heartedness of others. By dehumanizing and objectifying people, the abuser attacks the very foundations of human interaction. This is the “alien” aspect of abusers they may be excellent imitations of fully formed adults but they are emotionally absent and immature.
Abuse is so horrid, so repulsive, so phantasmagoric that people recoil in terror. It is then, with their defences absolutely down, that they are the most susceptible and vulnerable to the abuser’s control. Physical, psychological, verbal and sexual abuse are all forms of dehumanization and objectification.
TIP
Never show your abuser that you are afraid of him. Do not negotiate with bullies. They are insatiable. Do not succumb to blackmail.
If things get rough, disengage, involve law enforcement officers, friends and colleagues, or threaten him (legally).
Do not keep your abuse a secret. Secrecy is the abuser’s weapon.
Never give him a second chance. React with your full arsenal to the first transgression.
Abuse of Information
From the first moments of an encounter with another person, the abuser is on the prowl. He collects information. The more he knows about his potential victim, the better able he is to coerce, manipulate, charm, extort or convert it “to the cause”. The abuser does not hesitate to misuse the information he gleaned, regardless of its intimate nature or the circumstances in which he obtained it. This is a powerful tool in his armory.
TIP
Be guarded. Don’t be too forthcoming in a first or casual meeting. Gather intelligence.
Be yourself. Don’t misrepresent your wishes, boundaries, preferences, priorities, and red lines.
Do not behave inconsistently. Do not go back on your word. Be firm and resolute.
Impossible Situations
The abuser engineers impossible, dangerous, unpredictable, unprecedented, or highly specific situations in which he is sorely needed. The abuser makes sure that his knowledge, his skills, his connections, or his traits are the only ones applicable and the most useful in the situations that he, himself, wrought. The abuser generates his own indispensability.
TIP
Stay away from such quagmires. Scrutinize every offer and suggestion, no matter how innocuous.
Prepare backup plans. Keep others informed of your whereabouts and appraised of your situation.
Be vigilant and doubting. Do not be gullible and suggestible. Better safe than sorry.
If all else fails, the abuser recruits friends, colleagues, mates, family members, the authorities, institutions, neighbours, the media, teachers, in short, third parties, to do his bidding. He uses them to cajole, coerce, threaten, stalk, offer, retreat, tempt, convince, harass, communicate and otherwise manipulate his target. He controls these unaware instruments exactly as he plans to control his ultimate prey. He employs the same mechanisms and devices. And he dumps his props unceremoniously when the job is done.
Another form of control by proxy is to engineer situations in which abuse is inflicted upon another person. Such carefully crafted scenarios of embarrassment and humiliation provoke social sanctions (condemnation, opprobrium, or even physical punishment) against the victim. Society, or a social group become the instruments of the abuser.
TIP
Often the abuser’s proxies are unaware of their role. Expose him. Inform them. Demonstrate to them how they are being abused, misused, and plain used by the abuser.
Trap your abuser. Treat him as he treats you. Involve others. Bring it into the open. Nothing like sunshine to disinfect abuse.
The fostering, propagation and enhancement of an atmosphere of fear, intimidation, instability, unpredictability and irritation. There are no acts of traceable explicit abuse, nor any manipulative settings of control. Yet, the irksome feeling remains, a disagreeable foreboding, a premonition, a bad omen. This is sometimes called “gaslighting”.
In the long term, such an environment erodes the victim’s sense of self-worth and self-esteem. Self-confidence is shaken badly. Often, the victim adopts a paranoid or schizoid stance and thus renders himself or herself exposed even more to criticism and judgment. The roles are thus reversed: the victim is considered mentally deranged and the abuser the suffering soul. TIP
Run! Get away! Ambient abuse often develops to overt and violent abuse.
You don’t owe anyone an explanation – but you owe yourself a life. Bail out.
While it is admirable that you want to maintain a friendly relationship with your ex, you cannot do so alone; it takes two. The power of irrational attacks
Insults and lies directed at you are intended to draw you in and get a reaction. This is probably the only form of power he feels he has over you now — trying to hurt you. And he has known you long enough to know just how to do it.
When you hear untrue accusations, it is very tempting to defend yourself, to lay out the truth, and to prove that the opposite is true. Yet people who are verbally abusive are in a state of fear and rage; they are not inclined to be reasonable and logical. You cannot change the way he claims to view things by responding in any way to his hostile accusations.
Don’t feed abuse with your hope
Moreover, if he senses that you can be hooked into argument because you feel you have to persuade him of the truth, he will continue to throw insults and untruths your way. If he senses your desire to be reasonable and on friendly terms, you are continuing to give him the power to hurt you.
You have to give up the hope that he will come to appreciate what you brought to the relationship and what you have enjoyed together. You can still appreciate those things on your own. He may even come to do so down the line, but it will take time. You will not be able to reason with him in the short term.
Being reactive to his anger in the form of arguing on the phone or writing long defending emails spurs him on, like a kid who gets a big reaction when having a temper tantrum. Any hopes that he will become reasonable should be put aside; otherwise, he will continue to lambaste you with abuse.
Disengage
What you can and must do is to disengage. Don’t feed his abusive behavior with your emotional reactions. Ignore the attacks. Don’t engage in any more letters or conversations with him other than for pure practical or legal purposes specific to your separation.
If he calls and starts attacking, you just have to hang up — without yelling or defending yourself. Just say “I have to go.” Or “Let’s talk when you are less emotional and hostile.” CLICK. Or do not take his calls. Do not subject yourself to insults, twisting of the truth, or negativity.
By ignoring accusatory correspondence, you prevent your ex from dis-empowering you with his abuse. No matter how he tries to incite you with falsehoods and attacks, don’t engage, because it triggers his desire to hurt you and engage you, which makes him feel empowered in a very unhealthy way. More importantly, the less time you spend arguing and defending yourself, the less dis-empowered, hurt and angry you will feel.
Stay empowered
This is not to say that you should not pursue what you are legally entitled to. Defending yourself in court is a different matter. Defend yourself in the most effective way. In court, you can count on the presence of a rational third party without a stake in the outcome.
If you have to correspond about practicalities, make your correspondence very brief, neutral and businesslike, without any negative comments. Don’t act scared of him. Any hints of your own defensiveness, fear, or anger reward him. On again off again charm
Beware. He may suddenly be friendly and you might hope that he’ll give you a ray of sunshine – but the storm still rages. You cannot count on someone who hurls insults and untruths one moment and is friendly the next.
Of course, you can be polite and respectful, but unless there has been a lasting transformation in him, don’t engage in discussions with him, other than brief business-like communication to deal with the logistics of your separation. Change focus
What you focus on greatly affects how you feel. Thus, it’s important to shift your focus to more positive aspects of your life. Communicate with life-enhancing friends and family. Focus on taking care of yourself, pursuing your interests, helping others in need, and, above all, keeping your perspective and sense of humor.
