“Lady Liberty” by Mimi Stuart ©
Live the Life you Desire

It feels good to help someone who’s having problems with another person. However, inserting yourself into a conflict between two people can cause more harm than good. When you find yourself listening to complaints or gossip about someone’s relationship to a third person, you may find yourself being triangulated.

Motivation

To consider whether your helping is excessive, ask yourself how important it is for you to feel needed or appreciated. Wanting to be needed or appreciated is not bad in itself, but it can lead you to insert yourself too much. So if you really like to help, take some time to consider the potential consequences of your “help.”

Diplomacy

The way to make sure your help or advice does not cross any boundaries into triangulation is to make sure that you would not mind others overhearing your conversation. As few things remain secret in life, assume that the third person is listening in to what you are saying.

Avoid co-dependence

When you notice that the person you want to help has ignored good advice in the past, it may be that that person wants attention rather than advice. Often people only learn through further mistakes. Sometimes giving continual direction or advice simply enables codependency and excuse-making. Too much advice can actually prevent others from taking ownership of and resolving their own problems.

When you sense that you are not being asked for insight or helpful suggestions, but simply being triangulated for venting purposes, here are some ways to respond:

“Since you can’t change him, let’s figure out how you might have participated in this situation.”

“I value my friendship with both of you. So, I would prefer not being in the middle.”

“I’m sorry you’re having a hard time, but I feel uncomfortable when you tell me such private details of your married life.”

“I don’t feel qualified to give you advice. I think this is something you might bring to a therapist.”

Triangulation is an insidious way to gain connection with another person. When you find yourself focusing your discussion on a person who is not in the room, it might be time to focus on someone you have control over — yourself.

by Alison Poulsen, PhD