A negative perso­n who complains or vents a lot can drain the life out of you. Life is short. Often, it’s best to simply detach and enjoy more interesting people or other pursuits.

Sometimes, however, you may want, or need, to have that person in your life because they are family or a co-worker. In those cases, you can’t control the other person, but you can control how you respond to them.

Recognition

Sometimes, a person just wants their pain to be recognized. They complain because they do not feel seen and heard. Instead of simply nodding with eyes glazed over, which encourages them to go on and on, clearly let them know that you see how they are suffering. “That must be tough for you.”

Then transition away from their vicious negative cycle in a way that shows that you are listening. For example, “What kind of approach has helped you in the past?” “What is a step you could take to improve the situation?” Moving the conversation forward this way will benefit both of you.

Conditioning

Do you find yourself tuning out while pretending to listen when a negative person is on a rant? You might even be nodding while having an internal monologue about how this person is wasting your time.

To discourage negativity, don’t reward the negative by pretending fascination. That only encourages the deluge to continue.

The flip side is to reinforce any positive behavior with fully engaged interaction.

Positive influence

Attempt to be a positive influence in the other person’s life. Direct your questions toward the positive. “What was the best part of your weekend?”

If the person is relentless in continuing to vent, gently interrupt and change the trajectory of the conversation out of the weeds. For example, if they always complain about their ex, you might say, “Here’s the way I look at it. What you focus on determines your state of mind. If you think about something other than your ex, you might not suffer so much. So tell me, what other people or pursuits could you focus on that you’d be excited about?”

Express your needs

Show some respect for your own time and well being by expressing your desire to make the conversation more interesting. “I’d like to focus on something positive right now. How does that sound to you?” 

Or “I see that this situation is causing you a lot of pain. I am not sure how I can help. But I think it might be more uplifting for both of us if we focused on more positive things.”

You can always change the subject to a less intense topic, like movies, books or sports. There’s always the weather! For example, “Hey, I saw a really interesting movie during that storm last weekend…”

Leave politely

If nothing seems to work, leave the conversation politely by stating that you have work to do or someplace to be. You’ll know that the work you’re referring to is to go live your life to the fullest.    

by Alison Poulsen, PhD