“Light” by Mimi Stuart© Live the Life you Desire

People who help others too much often don’t stop until they become exhausted or ill. This can become burdensome, and ironically, it’s not very helpful to the people in their lives over the long-term.

Being helpful to others is a wonderful trait if it’s practiced in moderation and when appropriate. There are five problems to watch out for when your primary focus is on meeting other people’s needs.

Five Problems

1. You neglect your own needs and feelings, and end up exhausted or ill.

2. You become resentful—even though you enjoy helping—because you bend over backwards for other people too much.

3. By putting others first, you may unwittingly deprive them of their own autonomy, which can lead to your becoming a burden to them—the last thing that you intended. Helping others too much can create an unintended obligation to reciprocate, which can lead to codependence, and can stifle the fun and joy in a relationship.

4. Although others may appreciate or even take advantage of your help, they will often prefer spending time with someone who takes care of their own needs first and doesn’t give unsolicited advice and help.

5. Some super-helpful personalities might be surprised to learn that their acts of rewarding or pampering loved ones may be taken as an insult to their capabilities or an intrusion into their personal space. The receiver of help may develop resentment because there’s an unintended implication that he or she is incompetent.

Best Approach

Excessively self-sacrificing people can improve their lives and the lives of those around them by learning to acknowledge and respect their own needs first. When you feel compelled to offer someone a glass of water, consider whether you may actually be the one who is thirsty. Then take a moment to sense whether others are the types who would rather get water for themselves. If so, notice whether you can simply “be” without being of service to someone else.

Truly being of service is a beautiful way to bring light to people’s lives, particularly when it is done while honoring yourself and observing whether others would appreciate the help.

by Alison Poulsen, PhD

Read “Helpful vs. Intrusive.”