When people feel comfortable and secure in their relationship, they often lose desire and passion. Once someone becomes too familiar, the mystery that fuels desire fades.

Why people fall out of love

1.  Criticizing to prevent change

As people come to value the security of their relationship, novelty can feel threatening. Anything new can be met with a negative remark or a roll of the eyes. To make sure that accustomed habits stay the same, people will discourage their partner’s growth. The consequence is that they lose the joy and passion of being in love.

2. Not pushing your own boundaries

A person may feel uncomfortable surprising someone who knows them all too well with a new idea or a new part of themselves. It’s easier to watch TV every night than to risk embarrassment by going dancing or trying to increase intimacy with someone who is too familiar. Fear and discomfort prevents them from pushing their own boundaries.

When fear of change and growth dominates a couple’s interactions, the relationship will become monotonous, which no longer feels so comfortable and secure.

Risk taking

Risk taking is an essential element of maintaining the spark in any relationship. Without taking the risk of encouraging your partner to grow and allowing them to change, desire will turn into restraint. Without taking the risk of growing and revealing new parts of yourself, desire will cool and soon disappear.

You will always face the possibility of rejection and loss. Even when you play it safe, what you risk is falling out of love. When new ideas are consistently met with criticism, you can either stand down or take a stand. If you continuously stand down in order to avoid disappointment, you take no risks at all.  

No risk, no reward, or worse—no relationship. When the relationship eventually becomes too stagnant to bear, it may become easier to seek a new partner than to break through the paralysis that has become the accepted norm.   

Staying in love

The more anxiety a couple can tolerate, the greater their ability to stay in love and experience desire.

Face your fears and embrace growth—your own and your partner’s. Accepting the possibility of embarrassment and rejection involved in taking these risks is the way to bring more passion into your relationships, and fewer regrets at the end of your life.

by Alison Poulsen, PhD Psychology