Category Archives: Thinking and the Brain

Black-and-white thinking:
“I used to think she was fantastic. But it was all a façade. She’s really horrible.”

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"Ennobling Struggle" Einstein by Mimi Stuart
Live the Life you Desire

The flaw behind black-and-white thinking is that it does not reflect the complexity of human nature and the world around us. Most people are not absolutely good or evil. Most events in life have more intricate shades of color than simply black and white.

Black-and–white thinking stems from our reptilian brain, which makes snap decisions as to what’s safe or dangerous in order for us to survive an immediate physical threat. When this ancient part of the brain is triggered, it overrides the reasoning and problem-solving abilities we’ve developed through evolution.

Some people raised to be black-and-white thinkers remain stuck in a world where people and events are viewed in simplistic terms of extremes. Even people who are complex thinkers regress to pigeonholing when they are stressed or overwhelmed by emotions. Unless patterns of fear are counter balanced, they will prevent people from moving beyond this “primitive thinking” to more nuanced and sophisticated thinking.

As a result of viewing the world as black and white, people suffer unnecessary disappointment that can lead to exasperation and depression. For instance, fantasizing about a perfect world with a perfect mate can lead to shattered expectations, and the opposite idea that there aren’t ANY decent men or women at all.

Here are some ways to avoid the pitfalls and heartbreaks of black-and-white thinking:

1. Have realistic expectations: Even though optimism is generally a nice trait, tone down feelings of overblown optimism and expectations about specific people or situations.

2. Sometimes, somewhat: Use words such as “always” and “never” sparingly.

3. Enjoy the complexity: Beware of considering yourself and others as “the best” or “the worst.” The world of absolutes is unrealistic and dull. Find the complexity in any situation or in a person and you may find what’s interesting—and truly beautiful.

4. Look for balance: Look for balance rather than perfection by accepting that humans make mistakes.

5. Be open to mystery: A curious, intelligent, and open mind embraces the known and unknown, the mystery, and the possibility of imagination.

It is not the result of scientific research that ennobles humans and enriches their lives, but the struggle to understand while performing creative and open-minded intellectual work.

~Einstein

by Alison Poulsen, PhD

“That’s just the way I am!” Arguments: The Red Herring

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"Drop Cloth" by Mimi Stuart
Live the Life you Desire

A “Red Herring” is a verbal ploy to distract a person’s attention away from a real issue. It’s a tactic used to hide a weakness from the listener by changing the subject. The phrase “Red Herring” comes from using the strong scent of herring fish to trick dogs into following the wrong trail.

Example:
A: “I’d like you to stop being so critical of me; It’s really unpleasant.”
B: “It could be a lot worse. At least I don’t come home drunk and scream at you.”

One type of Red Herring is the ad hominem—an attack on the speaker rather than a relevant explanation. This feeds the cycle of offense and hurt. An ad hominem is not productive, although there are some classics that are very witty.

Lady Astor to Churchill: “Sir, you’re drunk!”
Winston Churchill: “Yes, Madam. But in the morning, I will be sober and you will still be ugly.”

The best response to a red herring is to continue to focus on the real issue, by repeating the question without anger. People who use red herrings a lot generally dread strong reactions, anger, and criticism. They’d rather deflect any uncomfortable questions. So it’s important to be persistent but without being threatening.

Response to Red Herring:
A: “Why are you late?”
B: “That’s just the way I am!”
A: “That may be the way you are, but I’d still like to know why you’re late this time.”

Response to Red Herring:
A: “I’d like you to stop being so critical of me; It’s really unpleasant.”
B: “It could be a lot worse. At least I don’t come home drunk and scream at you.”
A: “I really feel bad when you’re so critical. Would you be willing to stop criticizing me?”

As for Lady Astor and Churchill, thankfully they didn’t resolve their differences. Or we’d miss some great quips.

Lady Astor: “If you were my husband, I’d poison you.”
Churchill: “If you were my wife, I’d take it.”

by Alison Poulsen, PhD

Facial Expressions: “She says I frown all the time. That’s just me.”

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"Pleasure" by Mimi Stuart
Live the Life you Desire

Your tone of voice, facial expressions, and words reflect your attitude about yourself, the person you’re talking to, and life in general.

Brain research shows that changing your facial expression actually makes you feel different—smiling makes you feel happier, frowning makes you feel angrier, gestures like sighing make you feel more hopeless. Not only does how you feel affect your facial expressions, but your facial expressions affect how you feel.

Research shows that if you watch a movie holding a pen across your mouth causing you to engage some of the smile muscles, you will think the movie is funnier than those who watched the movie without the pen. Simply smiling—even artificially—releases chemicals in the brain that make you feel happier—try it!

I’m not advocating walking around with a fake smile on your face. But it can’t hurt to become aware of your facial expressions and people’s reactions to them. Becoming aware of scowling, grimacing, or sneering allows you to choose to change your expression, and to some degree, the way you and others will feel.

by Alison Poulsen, PhD

Read “Don’t look at me that way!”

“After multiple affairs, he promised he’d never cheat on me again. Can I trust him this time?”

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"Shh!" Tiger Woods by Mimi Stuart ©
Live the Life you Desire

No. Sorry to say, someone who repeatedly cheats on his or her partner is unlikely to stop.

Repeated cheating often involves a ravenous craving for both psychological validation and the dopamine high that are briefly produced in the affair. Having multiple liaisons allows a person to escape his anxieties, feel pleasure, and feel validated by being desired.

A vicious cycle of release, shame, and desire to fend off unwanted emotions by seeking release has probably been wired into his brain—it has become an addiction.

If his behavior is that of a sex addict, it has probably caused his self-esteem and average dopamine levels to be lowered. This will likely drive him to an even more desperate pursuit of the temporary high that affairs provide.

Novelty heightens the senses and intensifies passion. For someone who has affairs, the novelty lies in being with a new person.

Novelty with the same partner means having the courage to bring new meaning and depth to that relationship—to let oneself be known on a deeper level, to bring freshness to the relationship. To do these things, one must risk rejection.

It takes courage and a sense of adventure to go beyond the routine of a committed relationship, and bring the BEST of oneself to the same partner. It would be far more challenging, and ultimately rewarding, for your partner to face his fears and risk invalidation with someone who really knows him—you, OR at least to approach you honestly in discussing the troubles in your relationship.

As for any addict, it takes a great deal of motivation and courage to learn to resist seeking the quick high that the addict has found so compelling. To rewire a neurological highway requires tremendous determination to be willing to face emotional anxieties and resist physical cravings, and will likely require getting counseling and/or going to Sex Addicts Anonymous.

by Alison Poulsen, PhD

Read “Attractions outside the Marriage.”

Read “Sustaining Desire: ‘It doesn’t matter. Let’s just watch TV.’”

Watch “Seven Keys To A Fantastic Relationship.”

“I feel so critical of my partner. I can’t help pointing out every flaw.”

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"Baby I love your Way" Peter Frampton by Mimi Stuart Live the Life you Desire

There are three important reasons to look for the positive in your partner. First, how you treat other people becomes who you are. Would you rather be understanding, supportive, appreciative and optimistic, or critical, stern, mean-spirited, and nit-picking? When you push yourself to act respectfully and overlook unimportant flaws, you will feel much better about yourself.

Second, how you judge others affects the way they behave and view themselves. When you point out how sloppy and clumsy another person is, those traits will become magnified. If, instead, you focus on their good qualities, they will tend to reflect those qualities.

Third, constant criticism will wreck a relationship and make you both miserable.

If you tend to be critical, you have to purposely develop the habit of appreciating the good in others. The neuro-plasticity of our brains allows us to change, but it requires a lot of practice. Every time you think, “What a slob,” you must force yourself to think and even express a different thought about the person, such as, “You are always there for me and the kids.” After 2000 or so thought switches, it becomes almost natural to change that particular thought. It also becomes easier to see the good in people around you, because they will thrive in an environment of appreciation.

by Alison Poulsen, PhD

Read “Criticism and Contempt.”

Read “I’m shocked how much I criticize my dad for not standing up for himself.”