Good conversation has an edge. It opens your eyes to something, stirs your imagination, reverberates in your mind later in the day. Your mind has been sparked.
What if you start worrying that the person you are conversing with will get angry or roll his or her eyes at you? Fear of someone’s reactions will stifle your imagination and creative thinking. The possibility for a good conversation will shut down.
Intimacy means sharing your depth, vulnerability, and creative imagination. Intimacy vanishes when someone is threatened by another person’s ideas. Intimacy also evaporates when someone desperately craves agreement and support at all costs.
When we strive to balance two fundamental drives: our desire for connection and our desire for individuality, our sense of self becomes more resilient, allowing our conversations to become freer, deeper and more meaningful.
People who have some emotional autonomy don’t need to have their ideas constantly validated; they are not afraid to express an absurb or eccentric idea.
Emotional autonomy allows people to have true intimacy in conversation, because they don’t pressure others to support them emotionally. Support becomes voluntary and thus more honest and meaningful.
Emotional autonomy frees up conversation to be experimental, more passionate, stirring and stimulating.
The first step toward meaningful conversation is to listen and engage the other person with presence, openness, and curiosity. The next step is to dance with the idea and give it a twirl in an unexpected direction.
Good communication is as stimulating as black coffee and just as hard to sleep after.
The suffering you endure from an abusive person doesn’t always stop once you get away from that person. The critical and abusive voices may remain in your own head. It will take considerable effort to transform your life and to stop your inner critic from abusing you.
There are important steps you can take to rebuild your life:
1. Suspend contact with abusive and negative people.
If you’ve experienced verbal or physical abuse, you should suspend and if possible terminate contact with all negative people in your life. There is little hope that abusive behavior from people will change, particularly, if they sense that you want their support. Moreover, it is nearly impossible for you to gain a positive self-image in the company of mean people.
Perhaps later, when you have gained more self-empowerment, and your family’s negative effect on you has weakened, you can engage them on a limited basis. Right now, it’s important that you protect yourself from abuse.
You will eventually see clearly that your family’s negativity is about them, the way they feel about themselves, and the way they have learned to interact with others, rather than about you. Although it is liberating to know that their behavior comes from their own life experience and lack of self worth, this is rarely enough in itself for you to become self-empowered. The challenge now becomes to free yourself from the habit of belittling yourself, which you’ve acquired by internalizing their attitudes toward you.
2. Transforming your inner critic
Your brain circuitry has become hard wired to reinforce your inner critic. So it will take daily and constant effort to be kind to yourself, and to be a cheerleader and wise adviser to yourself. Take a thorough inventory of all your good personal traits–there are many! Through ongoing practice you can transform your harsh inner critic into a helpful, compassionate, and objective supporter.
Notice when you’re being unnecessarily hard on yourself, and change the harmful language you use against yourself into constructive, compassionate guidance that you would expect from a loving parent or friend. Don’t expect perfection. When you catch yourself beating up on yourself, pause and tell yourself, “It’s okay. At least I’m catching myself doing it.” Your inner voice will gradually transform from one of master critic to one of supportive guide.
3. Spending time in a positive environment
You will have to create your own “family” of friends and mentors whom you admire and who treat you with respect. How people treat you influences the way you feel about yourself, and how you feel about yourself influences the way people will treat you. So in order to choose to accept and respect yourself, you need to choose to be around respectful, positive, and self-empowered people on a regular basis. You’ll find it helpful and rewarding.
Do things in your life that make you feel good about yourself. Treat yourself well, learn things, and do things that you enjoy. Get in the habit of reading or listening to something that’s inspiring, enjoyable, educational, or just funny — humor has a wonderful effect on your psyche. Join groups or activities where you learn skills, learn a language, dance, do sports or volunteer. When you do things you enjoy and learn new skills you’re interested in, you’re more enjoyable to be around.
As you practice these behaviors, they become easier and easier until eventually they become automatic and hard wired. This is a positive cycle that reinforces itself: You’ll feel better, and as a result you will get more positive feedback from much of the world around you, which in turn will make you feel better. Yet, it will initially take quite a bit of effort and practice to move into this upward spiral of self-acceptance, optimism, and confidence.
Spending time around life-embracing, self-empowered people and pursuing some personal interests will help you to silence the negative voices in your world. Over time you will learn to ignore those harsh critics in your universe.
“I’m still angry and hurt after my divorce, and I’m taking this out on others and my new guy. How can I stop being so judgmental, critical, and easily triggered?”
Although there is no easy way around feeling critical and judgmental, here are five suggestions on what to work on.
1. Underlying issues
Think about what is underlying those small things that are triggering you. For example, you may be experiencing fear of commitment, fear of being needed or controlled, a desire for more space, or fear of further rejection. Once you figure this out, determine whether the underlying issue can be dealt with. If appropriate, discuss the real issue with your partner.
For example, “Although I love spending time with you, I need some quiet time every day to catch up on work and correspondence / to read / to exercise / to meditate.” Or “I think I’m afraid of being hurt again, so sometimes I lash out to avoid getting too close and then being hurt again. Maybe we should take it a little more slowly.”
Be patient and learn not to react too quickly with criticism or judgment. Make it a habit before responding to take a deep breath while remembering what is important. For example, remind yourself that “Treating others poorly brings out the worst in both me and in others.” This will give you the time and motivation to resist behaving in an ineffective and negative way.
If you need more than the time it takes to breathe deeply, then make it a habit to say, “I need a moment to think about that.”
3. Mental rehearsal
Imagine the situations that are likely to trigger you. Visualize and practice how you would like to respond in those situations. Awareness and practice are key, just as they are in learning a new sport or language.
Through focused intentional practice, effective communication will become easier and you’ll feel better about yourself. The positive effects of your improved responses will reward and foster the improved way of interacting with others.
4. Reflection
Re-assess other aspects of your life. Do you have some ongoing resentment in your life that you are not addressing? Is there another relationship where you feel disrespected? Are your current relationships too accepting of your negativity, which may cause you to show disrespect?
You may find that avoiding a challenge or problem in your life is making you irritable. When you take steps to deal with whatever is oppressing you, you will feel lighter and become less easily aggravated with everyone around you.
5. Improving your life
Take time to look into some new activities and relationships that might interest you. When a person feels stuck, all sorts of little things may become irritating. On the other hand, when a person is excited about a new pursuit or plan in his or her life, little things become less annoying.
When you put in the effort to stop being critical and judgmental, your life and relationships will improve dramatically. When you look for the best in others, they will often respond with the best of themselves.
While it’s nice to say, “You’re terrific” or “You’re so smart,” there are much better, more meaningful ways to compliment a person.
A Great Compliment
A great compliment, like good communication, is both specific and personal. The compliment praises the individual for a particular characteristic, act or behavior, and it highlights the effect it has on oneself or others.
Examples of Great Compliments
For example, “When I see you walk into the room, my heart lights up and I feel lucky to know you.”
“The way you handle hardship with tenacity, courage and a good attitude has inspired me to try to do the same during these difficult times.”
“Your way with words makes even the most ordinary conversation interesting and enjoyable.”
“Your beaming smile is contagious and makes me feel happy.”
“I admire how you see the bigger picture and understand nuanced and multiple viewpoints in a world where people are often too one-sided.”
“Your painting brings to life the joy and beauty in the melancholy of rain.”
Another example of a great compliment is from the movie “As good as it gets,” where Melvyn, played by Jack Nicholson, concludes his oblique compliment by saying, “You make me want to be a better man.”
Compliments that are specific and personal can’t help but make someone feel good.
Two people with different opinions can have an effective discussion if they listen to each other and speak in a way that will make them likely to be listened to. Here is an effective way to transition to your own point of view:
“Yes, though I see it differently.”
“Yes”
“Yes” shows that you have heard what the other person said. Of course it’s important to actually listen to the other person. “Yes” can be expanded to express what you understand the other person’s viewpoint to be.
For example, “Yes, I see that you think I criticized you.”
“Yes, I understand that you are really angry.”
“Yes, I recognize that she yelled at you.”
Tone
Tone of voice is key. A tone of condescension will cause the other person to bristle. A tone of hostility will cause the other to become defensive. A tone of weakness or victimhood will trigger the bully in the other person. So your tone should express self confidence as well as respect for the other.
“Though I see it differently”
Stating that you see things differently is quite different from saying one of the following:
“You’re wrong.”
“That’s stupid.”
“No, you don’t understand.”
It’s hard for the other person to argue against you simply because you “see things differently.” By approaching a difficult conversation in this way, you can introduce other considerations while keeping the peace.
Your viewpoint
When you express your opinion, use terms such as “I believe,” “I think,” “My experience is,” “I have noticed,” “I want,” or “I need.”
For example, “I believe her anger comes from fear and not knowing how to communicate effectively. So I want to give her a chance.”
“To me, time alone is re-energizing; it’s not about being away from you. I simply need to recharge.”
“I really value compromise. I want to figure out a way to satisfy both of us as best as possible.”
Most discussions involve viewpoints rather than facts. So it’s best to avoid assuming a false dichotomy where only one person is right and the other is wrong. Others are more likely to really listen to you when you use words and body language that show respect and understanding for different points of view.
