Category Archives: Relationship Skills

“No, don’t bring John to my party. He’s loud and obnoxious.”

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"Course Correction" Paula Creamer by Mimi Stuart
Live the Life you Desire

If a friend wants to bring someone to your party that you don’t care for, you don’t have to say “yes.” If you are going to feel resentful about having that person at your house, that’s a sign that you should say “no.”

There’s no reason to be negative and judgmental though. That would simply put your friend on the defensive.

Keep it positive and limit yourself to “I” statements: “I just want to have close friends at my party. I’d really like you to come, but I’m not that close to John. Sorry to disappoint you.” Or, “There are a lot of people coming already. I’d rather not invite anyone else. Sorry. But I hope YOU can make it.”

Light, upbeat, and guilt-free is best!

by Alison Poulsen, PhD

Read “Setting Boundaries.”

Read “Getting off the phone with people who talk forever.”

“My son’s the best: he got straight A’s again and is the basketball team captain!”

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"Sacred" Einstein by Mimi Stuart
Live the Life you Desire

It’s fine to express your pride in your kids with your family and close friends. But telling other people about their many successes can be annoying, uninteresting, or cause others to doubt their own parenting skills.

We’re all happy when our children succeed, but too much emphasis on their successes could indicate that our own identity is tied too closely to their achievements. That’s not to say that their achievements shouldn’t be enjoyed, but beware of seeking confirmation for your own value through being the parent of a “successful” kid.

Also beware of letting your children hear you bragging about them too much. Sometimes we think accolades will boost a child’s self-esteem. But excessive praise sends the message that the child’s accomplishments are all that matter.

Too much emphasis on achievement can have the effect of minimizing other worthy qualities, such as kindness, effort, and a sense of humor. It may be preferable to recognize a child’s effort and compassion rather than praising results only.

Often it is better to relate to our children without constantly judging them, either positively or negatively.

Rather than comparing our children to Einstein, both parents and children can be inspired by Einstein’s wise words: “The life of the individual has meaning only insofar as it aids in making the life of [other] living things nobler and more beautiful.”

by Alison Poulsen, PhD

Read “Encouraging Effort in your Children.”

“I want to be married by the time I’m 35. I’m going on a first date with a guy I like and want to make sure he knows I’m interested in a serious relationship.”

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"Playful" by Mimi Stuart
Live the Life you Desire

Hold on. Instead of making your first date an interview to find the perfect mate, take your time, enjoy the moment, and see how you like each other first.

Putting all your hope in the future with any person, let alone someone you hardly know, scares people away. Excessive zeal for marriage comes across as desperation or being uncomfortable in your own skin.

You might look within yourself and ask what you are hoping to attain through marriage before committing yourself to a man you hardly know.

If you go into a relationship with specific goals that involve status (getting married, having children…), your expectations of fulfillment are likely to be disappointed.

Specific expectations invite disappointment. Have fun,enjoy the moment, and see where it takes you.

by Alison Poulsen, PhD

Read “If only I found the right man to love then I would be happy.”

Read “Too Responsible to Enjoy.”

“You sound like a broken record repeating stories about your psycho ex!”

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"Reverberation" by Mimi Stuart
Live the Life you Desire

People often remain stuck in a state of anger when they can’t get past the wrong that’s been done, real or perceived. Some painful pattern in the past keeps them captively reviewing the events like a broken record. They yearn for justice but can’t get relief, because they do not deal with the real hurt underlying the situation. Focusing on the ex is a way to avoid the real challenge of looking within.

As a friend, it’s not healthy to pile on with negative judgments about the culprit involved. The best thing a friend can do is to point out the harmful pattern that you’re concerned about. Listen for what’s behind the obsessive anger—usually an underlying vulnerability or fear.

People fixated on their exes often fear that they are somehow inadequate or unlovable. For instance, being married without feeling appreciated can leave a person feeling undeserving of recognition. Only when a person starts resolving his or her own hidden vulnerability is there a chance of communicating effectively about what really matters. That’s when the process of healing and growth can begin.

As a friend, depending on the underlying issue, you might compassionately say something like, “It seems that you were not appreciated very much. Maybe you’ve had a pattern of hoping to get appreciation from people who don’t give it.” Ask how they think they can best deal with the underlying need, without repeatedly going over how they’ve been hurt. Ask how they might best focus on recognizing and appreciating their own self-worth.

by Alison Poulsen, PhD

Read “Venting and Triangulation.”

Read “My ex can’t stop complaining about me to my child. I feel like doing the same right back.”

“No one ever helps me with the dishes.”

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"Impact - Out of the Sand Trap" by Mimi Stuart
Live the Live you Desire

Try saying with a positive tone of voice, “It would be great if you could help with the dishes.” People generally like to help, IF they feel they will be appreciated for helping, NOT if guilt is used to get them to help. If your request doesn’t work, then add, “I really need your help right now. Please help me do the dishes.” Sound friendly, but not meek.

If this is a daily problem, plan ahead and ask, “Who wants to chop vegetables and set the table, and who wants to wash the dishes?”

If none of this works because your family dynamics are too entrenched, you may think about buying paper plates or going out to eat on your own. Just say, “I’m pretty overwhelmed with work and will treat myself to no dishes.”

by Alison Poulsen, PhD

Read “I never get to go skiing anymore.”