"Spirit in Space" John Herrington by Mimi Stuart
Live the Life you Desire
So what I really meant was…
“It’s great to see you. What have you been up to…any good adventures?”
by Alison Poulsen, PhD
Read “Were you out on the golf course again? I’ve been here alone all afternoon!”
"Energy" Einstein by Mimi Stuart
Live the Life you Desire
Telling people they’re just like their mother or re-enacting their relationship with their father is not usually helpful—even if it’s true!
People don’t like being analyzed, especially in a condescending way. Unless the analysis is offered with just the right intention, it feels patronizing and invasive to have someone deconstruct your behavior. No one really knows the true motivations of another person anyway.
It can be fascinating to figure people out and enjoyable to offer helpful insight. People who analyze others may feel closer to people when they understand their behavior. However, sometimes they miss out on a deeper connection, which requires simply being present.
Focusing too much on analyzing others can lead you to miss the best part of relationship. The time you spend with loved ones is more meaningful and enjoyable when you feel their energetic essence.
Even good therapy involves more than penetrating mental analysis. It entails a connection beyond the mind, based on an appreciation of the ineffable qualities of that particular person.
Relationships in general need to have a sense of fondness as their basis. Insightful analysis can be helpful once a connection is forged, as long as it is welcomed. Then, it is best offered with humility rather than certainty and with kindness rather than condescension. But if you ever tell people that they are acting just like their mother or father, do it with a sense of humor.
by Alison Poulsen, PhD
"Sweet Dreams" by Mimi Stuart
Live the Life you Desire
Candy is the quintessential instant gratification for a child. Someone who plays with kids and gives them sweets is someone who wants to be liked.
To motivate someone who wants to be liked, it’s best not to be disapproving. Rather than getting mad at your sister, enlist her help.
Tell her how hard it is when the kids get roused before bedtime. Talk to her about the candy before she comes over. “Hey, it’s thoughtful of you to think of the kids and bring them something they like. But sweets make them hyperactive. If you really want to bring something, please make sure it doesn’t have sugar in it.”
Ask if she would help you keep the atmosphere calm when she comes over in the evening. You could let her know that it would be helpful to play tranquil games or read to the kids to quiet them down before getting a good night sleep and sweet dreams. (Better than diabetic nightmares!)
If that doesn’t work, limit her visits to the daytime. You can be honest if you are kind-hearted about it. “You are so much fun that it gets the kids too excited before bedtime. It makes it really difficult for us to get them to bed. So afternoon visits would work better.”
by Alison Poulsen, PhD
"Into a Dry Martini" by Mimi Stuart
Live the Life you Desire
If your partner or friend who’s been drinking too much insists on driving with you on board, notice your reaction: Do you hesitate because you’re afraid of upsetting the other person and therefore you’d rather comply?
When we’re not aware of the psychological forces that motivate us, they can wreak havoc in our lives. This is a situation where the desire to comply in order to get along can endanger your life.
Accommodating others is reasonable as long as we are not risking harm or motivated to do so by the dread of the anxiety associated with non-compliance. But when acquiescing to pressure compromises your own safety and well-being, it is not worth temporarily appeasing an out-of-control or inebriated person. It does not show respect for oneself or others.
So it’s important to develop the ability to withstand the anxiety of standing up against forceful demands. When an intoxicated person pressures you with “I’m fine; just get in the car,” you don’t need to convince him or her of anything. Walking away and being safe is what’s important.
If the person is really drunk and could endanger others on the road, it takes additional courage to take the keys or call the police. You may save not only someone else’s life, but the drunk driver’s life as well. It’s better for the intoxicated person to go to jail and experience embarrassment than to live with the consequences of having injured or killed someone.
by Alison Poulsen, PhD
"Trepidatious" by Mimi Stuart
Live the Life you Desire
Many times, because they don’t know what else to do, people use drugs as a way of medicating themselves out of depression or anxiety. In the beginning it seems to work, but eventually the effectiveness diminishes.
To try to recapture the earlier benefit, people will use more and more of the drug, which backfires. Their lives fall apart, and the depression and anxiety come back in full force.
Pot in and of itself can cause loss of motivation, increased obsessiveness, panic, anxiety, loss of memory and of course weight gain.
Pot does not cause schizpophrenia, but if someone is vulnerable to schizophrenia, it sure can bring it on, make it worse, and prevent recovery. Use of drugs can be the person’s way of trying to medicate the early symptoms.
If you are close to him or her, start going to Alanon, which helps those who come from dysfunctional families or who are close to a substance abuser. Also see if you can get your friend into counseling and a 12 step program. If he ‘gets it’ he will thank you down the line.