Category Archives: Relationship Skills

Mild Depression and the Blues: “You should be happy! Look at the bright side!”

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"Gravitas" by Mimi Stuart
Live the Life you Desire

While optimism tends to attract happier states of mind, we should avoid being judgmental toward those living through darker moods. It’s important to ask if a friend needs help or wants to talk about problems. Yet simply being there can be more beneficial than jumping in quickly to “fix” someone’s mild sadness and gloom.

In addition to being compassionate, we need to be able to give others space to process their own emotional states. There is a place and purpose for melancholy, heartache, and disenchantment.

Psychologist James Hillman claims that the “gravitas” accompanying mild depression may allow us to discover consciousness and the depths of the soul. “It brings refuge, limitation, focus, gravity, weight, and humble powerlessness.”

Rather than giving in to a dark mood or blaming someone else, a person undergoing the blues has an opportunity to listen to what the unconscious is trying to say.

For instance, someone who identifies with being action-oriented may ignore grief and loss. Those neglected feelings may gain energy in the form of a shadow that one day will burst to the surface as emotional outbursts or depression. Mild and temporary depression can be a wake up call to the sleepwalker within us, allowing us to take time to mull over our life’s journey.

If a friend’s melancholy goes on too long or becomes severe, however, it may be time to intensify concern about his or her inability to get out of the depressed state. Dark moods push people away and prolong isolation and solitude, which can perpetuate a cycle that becomes increasingly difficult to break. If depression is leading to atrophy and degeneration, it’s important to encourage the friend to get help or see a health care professional.

by Alison Poulsen, PhD

Read “You’re so grumpy. Why don’t you go take a hike!”

Always being right: “That’s not what I said! I said…!”

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"Voice of Gold" Frederica Von Stade by Mimi Stuart
Live the you Desire

When you find yourself insisting on proving that you’re right, it’s time to look at your underlying intent. We often assume that being right will lead to being respected, liked, appreciated, or admired. However, generally the harder a person tries to prove being right, the harder it is for that person to gain respect or appreciation.

Here are a few reasons that could be causing this ironic disconnect:

1. Adamant persistence reveals underlying feelings of inadequacy, which does not inspire respect or admiration.

2. In trying to be right, we disregard other people’s ideas, causing them to feel overlooked.

3. Most importantly, being right generally comes with a condescending tone of voice that turns people off whether the person is right or not.

A superior tone of voice can trigger a defensive reaction in others, even when what’s being said is totally logical and nonthreatening. If you’ve ever found yourself arguing over something ridiculous, you may be reacting to a patronizing tone of voice rather than flawed logic.

One way to encourage others to consider your opinion is to use a friendly or neutral tone of voice. You’ll feel more relaxed and others will feel more open-minded and amenable. You can say, “Your idea won’t work” with a kind tone of voice, and have a better response than if you say, “Your idea is the best idea in the world,” with a superior sounding voice.

If pretending is what it takes to change your attitude and use a respectful tone of voice, it’s probably worth it. Remember that discussions that aren’t focused on one person being right are usually more stimulating and productive, and lead to healthier and happier relationships.

by Alison Poulsen, PhD

Read “Facial Expressions.”

Dysfunctional Parents:
“My parents were so dysfunctional, I don’t even know what a good relationship looks like.”

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"Harmonic Resolution" by Mimi Stuart
Live the Life you Desire

Whether or not you can or like to dance, dancing together is a perfect metaphor for the many interactions that occur in a relationship.

Ask yourself the following questions about your relationship: Do you do the dance of relationship to enjoy and connect with your partner or just to look good in front of other people? If you’ve ever seen the Australian comedy “Strictly Ballroom,” you can clearly see the difference between the dancers with an authentic connection and those who are trying to impress the crowds with flashy smiles, choreographed moves and peacock-feathered outfits.

Are you dancing WITH your partner or just dancing nearby, hardly ever looking at him or her? Are you critical or embarrassed of your partner’s moves? Are you more concerned with your own clumsiness than with having a good time together? When one of you makes a mistake, do you move on light-heartedly, or do you crucify your partner with an angry look?

The question at the heart of this metaphor is “How can two autonomous people desiring love and intimacy sustain their passion without becoming controlling, needy, bored, or reactive?”

The “dance” in the relationship remains most sustainable when the partners do not dance in lockstep nor in their own separate worlds.

Some dancers are lost without a partner who leads or follows as expected. They are incapable of being alone and independent, and as a result, try to control the other through heavy-handedness or critical looks. Similar “symptoms” develop in a relationship. Rather than simply adapting when their partner tries something new or independent, partners afraid of autonomy tend to react with anger, humiliation, or embarrassment.

On the other hand, partners who are focused primarily on themselves and remain excessively separate may never make a true connection at all.

When we dance together we embrace a paradox—we connect with our partner while honoring each person’s individuality and letting mild miss-steps slide. It’s the same in relationships, not just romantic ones. We have to embrace the paradox of responding considerately to our partner while honoring the music within ourselves.

by Alison Poulsen, PhD

Read “Pursuit and Distancing.”

Read “Emotional Intimacy.”

Facial Expressions: “She says I frown all the time. That’s just me.”

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"Pleasure" by Mimi Stuart
Live the Life you Desire

Your tone of voice, facial expressions, and words reflect your attitude about yourself, the person you’re talking to, and life in general.

Brain research shows that changing your facial expression actually makes you feel different—smiling makes you feel happier, frowning makes you feel angrier, gestures like sighing make you feel more hopeless. Not only does how you feel affect your facial expressions, but your facial expressions affect how you feel.

Research shows that if you watch a movie holding a pen across your mouth causing you to engage some of the smile muscles, you will think the movie is funnier than those who watched the movie without the pen. Simply smiling—even artificially—releases chemicals in the brain that make you feel happier—try it!

I’m not advocating walking around with a fake smile on your face. But it can’t hurt to become aware of your facial expressions and people’s reactions to them. Becoming aware of scowling, grimacing, or sneering allows you to choose to change your expression, and to some degree, the way you and others will feel.

by Alison Poulsen, PhD

Read “Don’t look at me that way!”