Category Archives: Relationship Skills

Disappointing others:
“I am not good at confrontation because I don’t want to hurt people.”

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"Fearless" — Lee Janzen by Mimi Stuart
Live the Life you Desire

A confrontation is a “a hostile or argumentative meeting or situation between opposing parties.” You can learn to stand up for yourself without being hostile or “confrontational.” You simply need to state your opinion in a respectful, matter of fact, and firm way.

It’s admirable to want to treat people with respect and fairness. However, that does not mean giving them everything they want.

Imagine if you raised a child where your goal was to avoid confrontation. The child would learn very quickly that being confrontational is the most effective way to get what he or she wants. You would be training that child to become spoiled, demanding, and selfish.

Giving people everything they want at your expense caters to their selfishness and will cause you to feel resentful.

Disappointment may not feel good, but it is a necessary part of life. You can’t avoid disappointing others because you can’t control their expectations. On the other hand, you underestimate people’s resiliency if you think they can’t handle a little disappointment.

The only way to avoid disappointment is to never have hopes, dreams and expectations. These are what motivate our journey through life. Fortunately, people don’t have to have all of their dreams and expectations satisfied in order to live a full and happy life. In fact, disappointment can lead people to make needed adjustments in their lives.

by Alison Poulsen, PhD

Read “Walking on Eggshells.”

Too much Guilt:
“He makes me feel guilty if I don’t do what he wants.”

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"Singh Shot" by Mimi Stuart
Live the Life you Desire

If we are going to be kind, let it be out of simple generosity, not because we fear guilt or retribution.

~J.M. Coetzee, Disgrace

Often people who are exceptionally considerate feel guilty for disappointing others even if their own actions are appropriate. In these cases, feelings of guilt are excessive. Much of their guilt is simply a learned response.

Excessive or inappropriate guilty feelings hurt people by causing them to experience unnecessary stress, to ignore their own needs, and to surrender their personal power. Also people who are overly concerned with never disappointing others become prey to manipulative people.

Guilty feelings are like having a cold. If you didn’t know what the symptoms meant, you’d probably think you were dying. Once you know that you simply have a cold, then the symptoms become more annoying than frightening.

It’s similar when you experience guilt — it feels that you must be doing something horribly wrong in disappointing another person. However, when you realize that you were simply raised to consider other people’s feelings as more important than your own, you can then learn to ignore the inappropriate guilty feelings.

How do you respond to someone’s unfair expectations of you?

Say, for example, someone implies that you should do something to make him happy regardless of what you want. You then can respond in a matter-of-fact way, “Hey you might like that, but I wouldn’t be happy. So, that wouldn’t work, now would it?” Or “I’ve got too much going on, but good luck.” You can even smile and simply drop the dread of hurting him. He’ll survive. The anxiety will pass and he will be less likely to ask in the future.

Don’t expect others to know what you want. Some people are more self-centered; some people are more considerate. In either case, you should not count on someone else to take care of your needs and desires. You have to take care of them yourself by direct, immediate, and matter-of-fact communication. Do not equivocate. Otherwise people end up playing guessing games with a few guilt trips thrown in.

by Alison Poulsen, PhD

Read “I’m always walking on eggshells. I don’t want to upset my partner.”

When a friend has lost a loved one: “I haven’t called because I don’t know what to say.”

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"Blue Note" by Mimi Stuart
Live the Life you Desire

When a person experiences a tragedy like the loss of a child or partner, that loss will remain at the forefront of his or her mind for a very long time.

People are different in how they’d like to be approached about their loss. However, most people prefer that others acknowledge their loss in some manner—either through direct contact or at least a card.

While eventually the loss will feel less painful, life will never be the same after losing a child or partner. People who have lost a loved one need to grieve. It’s not usually helpful to point out that their pain may diminish. The idea of feeling better can seem like a betrayal of their love for that person.

Nothing you say will eliminate the pain. The most meaningful thing you can do is to reach out and acknowledge that loss and to remember the life of the loved one. You can also ask what you can do to help, such as bringing a meal or going to the store. You can express your compassion by simply being present or giving a hug without a word.

Most importantly, don’t avoid talking about and helping celebrate the loved one’s life. In a way people whom we love stay alive within us. Those who care most won’t turn away, but will keep the memories, love, and person alive, even while life inevitably moves on.

by Alison Poulsen, PhD

In memory of Dex Gannon and Michael Young

Read “Compassion in Relationships.”

“I’ve been standing here for 25 minutes!! What took you so long?”

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"Annika" detail by Mimi Stuart
Live the Life you Desire

So what I really meant was…

“I’m glad you’re here, I was worried something might have happened to you!”

Listen to the details first. If waiting for the same person becomes a repeated event, then it’s time to stop depending on that person.

by Alison Poulsen, PhD

Read “Order and Spontaneity.”

“I’m always walking on eggshells. I don’t want to upset my partner.”

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Walking on Diamonds" Astronaut Eugene Cernan
In the Permanent Collection of the Smithsonian

by Mimi Stuart ©

If you are walking on eggshells to avoid upsetting your partner, that means you are allowing yourself to be controlled by your partner’s reactivity. Of course, it’s nice to be considerate of your partner’s feelings, but not at the expense of your own.

The best relationships are between people who are “differentiated,” that is, able to be emotionally objective and separate, while at the same time being intimate and caring. Differentiation allows intense involvement without becoming infected with your partner’s anxiety, and without one person needing to withdraw or interfere with the partner.

The great psychologist Murray Bowen was the first to discuss differentiation, describing it as “living according to your own values and beliefs in the face of opposition… while also having the ability to change your values, beliefs, and behavior when your well-considered judgment or concern for others dictates it.”

Undifferentiated, or fused, couples tend to modify their behavior out of fear of their partner’s reactions. Eventually they come to feel as though they have lost who they are.

Being true to yourself when you relate to others is what makes a relationship interesting, passionate and sustainable.

So when you feel that you have to walk on eggshells, take a moment to figure out what you feel and believe. Central to differentiation is facing your discomfort with your partner’s anger, cold shoulder, or other reactivity. Learn how to be diplomatic and kind to your partner, while standing firm in being true to yourself.

When you expect a negative reaction, be prepared to accept it. If your partner becomes angry, don’t take it personally. State calmly, “You may not like my position, but this is how I feel/what I think/what I’d like to do.” Leave the room if necessary, but with a faith that you are walking on diamonds, not eggshells.

by Alison Poulsen, PhD

Read “Emotional Intimacy.”

Recommended: Kerr, M. & Bowen, M. (1988). Family Evaluation: The role of the family as an emotional unit that governs individual behavior and development. W.W. Norton & Company, Inc.: New York.