Category Archives: Relationship Skills

Enantiadromia:
“It drives my partner crazy that I’m ‘too’ polite. I think he is too blunt.”

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"Convergence" by Mimi Stuart
Live the Life you Desire

Enantiodromia (en-ANT-ee-a-DROH-mee-a) is reminiscent of the Chinese concept of yin and yang, which maintains that each quality contains the seed of its opposite, and that absolute extremes transform into their opposites.

Carl Jung used the term enantiadromia to describe the emergence of the unconscious opposite in our behavior. When an extreme, one-sided tendency dominates our conscious life, our attitude or life experience can flip unpredictably into its opposite, causing pain and tumult.

Too Polite

The purpose of good manners is to make other people feel comfortable. Yet, excessive politeness can make people feel uncomfortable, because they don’t know what the overly-polite person’s TRUE thoughts and feelings are. Extreme good manners can create an atmosphere of anxiety — a feeling of having to walk on eggshells.

Moreover, the true feelings of an overly polite person under great stress may suddenly and violently erupt, because she has had to hold back those feelings. When they explode through layers of politeness, it makes people feel very uncomfortable.

Polite people can benefit from learning to be more direct when certain situations warrant it.

Too Direct

The purpose of being direct is to communicate clearly with honesty and candor. However, if someone is overly and too bluntly direct, he cannot be trusted to be silent, sensitive, or diplomatic when necessary. Extreme bluntness can be offensive, in which case communication may be clear but not effective.

In this case, the value of discretion and good manners need to be integrated.

Communication is most effective when we have some ability to be flexible depending on the situation and type of people we’re dealing with. So if you were brought up to be extremely polite, learn to become more direct around direct people. Someone who’s overly straightforward can benefit by becoming more discreet and gracious around people who value courtesy.

by Alison Poulsen, PhD

Read “I can’t stand it when people talk over me!”

Inspire vs. Pushing:
“Why don’t you just believe in yourself!”

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"First Putt" by Mimi Stuart
Live the Life you Desire

When we believe in others more than they believe in themselves, we want to push them to become what we see in them. Our intentions are noble; our passion authentic.

The trouble is that children and adults alike are likely to perceive excessive urging as criticism and disappointment, which to some degree it is. Rather than responding with “Yes, you’re right. I can do this,” they are likely to think, “I am disappointing others again. I am never good enough.”

Pushing, even with good intentions, minimizes the importance of autonomy and inner motivation. Excessive pushing also tends to trigger resistance.

Encouraging words are more likely to be taken in and believed when they are spoken earnestly but without excessive force. It’s fine to say, “You can do it,” but it’s best to avoid bringing exaggerated heat and repetition to that encouragement. That which proves too much, proves nothing!

As Dean Rusk said, “One of the best ways to persuade others is with your ears – by listening to them.” The basis for any persuasion is understanding what motivates the other person. Inspiration comes from example and true friendship or at least a respectful relationship.

Far better to live your own path imperfectly than to live another’s perfectly.

~Bhagavad Gita

by Alison Poulsen, PhD

Read “I’m shocked how much I criticize my dad for letting other people walk all over him.”

“Our relationship is such hard work. The spark is gone.”

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"Music of the Spheres" by Mimi Stuart ©
Live the Life you Desire

The best long-term relationships are both firmly grounded AND light hearted. Committed relationships need those fleeting moments of enjoyment to carry them through the difficult times of life.

While it’s important to discuss long-term goals and significant issues, it’s equally important to have fun and relax together on a daily basis.

When one partner continuously wants to engage in heavy and serious discussions — about relationship issues or other matters, the personal energetic relationship suffers. As a result, many couples stop being intimate, and even stop looking at each other.

Music, dancing, watching sports together, and having romantic meals are all ways to keep a personal, energetic connection alive.

by Alison Poulsen, PhD

Read “We never go dancing anymore.”

Over-functioning:
“I do everything well and give my family a great life. But they still do not appreciate me!”

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"Sunday in the Park" by Mimi Stuart
Live the Life you Desire

People who do too much for others often become frustrated with the amount of reciprocity and appreciation that they receive. The trouble is, they are over-functioning, which accentuates the polarities in the relationship. For instance, if one person handles all the planning of social events, meals, and travel, others lose interest, ability, and experience in handling those activities.

When one family member over-functions, the others become less capable and more dependent, both of which diminish self-empowerment. Yet, they still have secret opinions and desires. Without participating in handling “family life,” the only power left is to show dissatisfaction, resentment and annoyance.

The over-functioner is stumped and becomes bitter, because he or she has done so much! Family members become more dependent and reactive to one another, and the dependence and incapacities in functioning become more prominent.

The best way to remedy the situation is to stop over-functioning. You can be honest and say, “I’ve been doing too much and I feel overwhelmed and unappreciated. I now realize that I’m cheating both of us. I feel like you’re not grateful enough, and you don’t get to contribute your ideas and effort.”

Then ask for specific help without expecting perfection. Make sure you lighten up, loosen your control and especially do not criticize.

It may take a while to transition — old habits die hard. The key is to back off doing too much, rather than to push others to do more. When there’s a vacuum, it eventually will get filled.

by Alison Poulsen, PhD

Read “How could he leave me? I did everything for him.”