Category Archives: Relationship Skills

Living together Part 2: Fairness — “Well, I’m paying for everything!”

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"Harmonic Balance" by Mimi Stuart
Live the Life you Desire
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Be fair with others, but then keep after them until they’re fair with you.

~Alan Alda

In addition to having manners and maintaining boundaries, being fair in what you contribute in a household makes a big difference in long-term relationships. Here are a few guidelines that work for most people:

1. Clean up after yourself. There’s nothing so discouraging as living with someone who leaves a mess everywhere. Relaxed order, not sanitary perfection, is a happy medium for most people living together. People who are either sticklers for perfection or extremely messy are often better off living alone.

2. Be thoughtful, but beware of doing too much for others. While it’s kind to cook or clean for others, doing too much without willing reciprocity from them may lead to you becoming resentful.

3. Maintain your boundaries regarding personal property. It’s nice to be generous with people who are respectful and appreciative. However, if someone “borrows” something of yours without asking, you might say, “I’d like you to ask me first.” If people don’t respect your belongings, they likely will not respect you. If they persist in “borrowing” without asking, take steps to secure your property.

4. Have clear understandings regarding finances, both your own and your collective finances. In temporary relationships, where society has no legal say, such as non-married partners, or renters who share a house, it is very important to have clear understandings that address bills, finances and paperwork. Clearly define what belongs to whom and who is responsible for what. Even if you live with your best friend or the love of your life, you want to protect yourself and your relationship from the outset. A relationship is more solid and stress-free when there is clarity regarding finances.

5. Don’t gossip. When you align yourself with just one person, if there are more than two in the household, others in the house may feel alienated.

6. Have a sense of humor. This is probably the most beneficial trait you can have in relationships. As William James puts it: “Common sense and a sense of humor are the same thing, moving at different speeds. A sense of humor is just common sense, dancing.”

by Alison Poulsen, PhD

Read “Living together Part I: Manners and Boundaries”

Read “I don’t want finances to get in the middle of it, because I don’t want it to get ugly.”

Living together Part I: Manners and Boundaries —
“What’s the matter with you? Look at this mess you made!”

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"Serenity" by Mimi Stuart
Live the Life you Desire

Most of us like to come home to a place of harmony. To keep home as an oasis of peace, it helps to have manners and maintain boundaries. Here are some guidelines that work for most people.

1. Acknowledge others. Acknowledge them when they walk in the room; say “hello” and “goodbye.” Don’t take people for granted; say “please” and “thank you.”

2. Stay calm rather than being reactive. If someone’s grumpy, you don’t have to fix the problem or take it personally. Give the person space if you can. If the negative energy is overwhelming, then leave the room or say something without being offensive. “You seem unhappy. Is there something I can do for you?”

3. Seek some solitude every day and give others their privacy as well. By clearly communicating your intentions and your needs — that you need to rest or catch up on reading, for example, others will not take your isolation personally.

4. Look for the best in others and you’ll probably find it. Look for the worst, and that’s what you’ll find. If you’re the critical type, learn to let things roll off your shoulders. But if you’re the type to avoid making waves, try to speak up when things really bother you. The sooner you bring up things that upset you, the more casual and easy the conversation and relationship will be.

5. Communicate without judgment. All of us react quite differently to a friendly request than to negative criticism. Tone of voice and intention are more important than wording. “I feel a lot happier when the house is neat. I would really appreciate it if you’d clean up your dishes after you use them. And let me know if there’s something I can do differently.”

People in close quarters who are caring and thoughtful without being reactive or invasive can make living together a joy.

by Alison Poulsen, PhD

Read “Living together Part 2: Fairness”

Read “It drives my partner crazy that I’m too polite. I think he is too blunt.”

Read “You’re so irritable! Why don’t you go TAKE A HIKE and cool off!”

“That’s ridiculous! How can you believe that?”

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"Walking Tall" by Mimi Stuart
Live the Life you Desire

So what I really meant was…

“That’s an interesting point of view. How did you arrive at it?”

“Here’s another way of looking at it.”

When you show genuine interest in understanding another person and welcoming their views, you set the stage to offer alternative views. There’s no need to fake agreement, but you’ve opened the possibility for having a lively discussion of ideas, rather than a tug of war.

People in a relationship do not need to agree on everything. An ability to discuss perspectives without hostility is key to having interesting and productive conversations. It is of particular value in problem solving.

by Alison Poulsen, PhD

Read “I want more intimacy and to feel closer to you.”

Dreading intrusive questions at family gatherings:
“It’s none of your business!”

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"Backspin" — Tiger Woods by Mimi Stuart ©
Live the Life you Desire

Questions about getting married, getting a “real” job, or how the divorce is going can be awkward at family gatherings. It’s helpful to keep in mind that many relatives are truly concerned and simply want what’s best for you. Others might simply be trying to make conversation and to be considerate rather than intrusive.

Humor is a great way to deflect such prying questions. If asked about something awkward, keep a positive, light-hearted attitude. If you show that you feel uncomfortable or upset, you simply draw attention to yourself and to the topic.

If someone asks about your divorce status or financial situation, you could answer the question in a generality as Emerson would: ‘Money often costs too much.’”

Steer the conversation in the direction of their lives: “Aw, that’s not so interesting. What’s going on in your life?”

Try the quizzical eyebrow with a smile that says, “You can’t think of anything else to talk about? Come on now.”

If you know that someone is going to ask you when you are finally going to have children or some other unwelcome question, you might approach that person first in private, and say something like, “I know you want us to have children, but we haven’t made that decision yet. Let’s not bring it up at dinner. Thanks.”

by Alison Poulsen, PhD

Watch “How to respond to malicious gossip.”

Read “Why people gossip and how to avoid it.”

Embarrassing adult relatives:
Scowl! “Psst! Can’t you chew with your mouth closed?”

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"Genius Unleashed" — Robin Williams by Mimi Stuart
Live the Life you Desire

Everyone has some relative who has bad table manners, belongs to a crazy cult, or drinks too much. We tend to be hardest on those closest to us, wanting to eradicate their bad habits. Yet, showing embarrassment and disapproval tends to draw out the worst in those around us, and may reveal that we care too much about the family image.

Our relatives don’t define who we are and besides, no one is perfect. Life is too short to worry about the imperfections in those around us. Generally, a sense of humor can help us overlook our family’s extreme political views or incessant bragging.

You’re better off not trying to change adult relatives or to get them to see the light. If they haven’t changed in 20 years, they are not likely to change now. The exception would be if they became deeply motivated to change within themselves.

Abusive behavior or language, however, is another matter completely. It’s important to speak up or leave when someone is aggressive or acts inappropriately, such as name calling or exercising harsh criticism. When you respond to a verbal attack, you could say, “When you call me names, it’s denigrating to both of us, and makes me want to leave. If you have something to say to me, say it respectfully.” If they can’t stop their belittling behavior, then it’s time to limit or stop spending your time with them.

Harmless personality quirks, though, can be seen as a source of amusement rather than providing you with a mission to correct them. Challenge yourself to use your wit, creativity, and humanity to overlook imperfections and to bring out the best in those eccentric family members around you.

You’re only given a little spark of madness. You mustn’t lose it.

~Robin Williams

by Alison Poulsen, PhD

Read “I’m embarrassed that I can’t afford to go out to eat.”