"Why not?" — Einstein by Mimi Stuart
Live the Life you Desire
So what I really meant was…
“Now don’t let the truth get in the way of a good story!”
People often like to correct their family members in the middle of their telling a story. Unless the correction is critical to the story and given respectfully, it usually just causes embarrassment and bickering.
So don’t get drawn in. Admit creativity, keep a sense of humor, and calmly continue the story.
by Alison Poulsen, PhD
"Snubhubbub" by Mimi Stuart ©
Live the Life you Desire
When you introduce friends in a social setting by flattering them, you probably just want to make them feel good. But here are some unintended negative consequences of flattery:
1. You create expectations. You don’t let your friend establish his or her own impression and identity. You taint the new relationship with preconceived notions rather than allowing a rapport to evolve in a more interesting and natural way.
2. You reduce friends to their resumé. The character and essence of a person are more important and intangible than a checklist of accomplishments.
3. You ignore the nuances. You imply that you primarily appreciate your friends for their achievements and may not appreciate the nuances and mystery of who they really are.
4. You are using your friend to enhance your status. You give the impression that you are trying to boost your own self-esteem by boasting about being connected to someone “important,” “smart,” or “talented.” This often reveals a desire to compensate for feelings of inadequacy.
5. You embarrass your friend. Blatant flattery puts friends on the defensive and in the position of being embarrassed. They may then feel they have to downplay their accomplishments or alternatively to live up to their accomplishments.
6. You cause others to feel inferior. By playing up your friend’s achievements, you might cause others to feel inferior or inadequate.
There are some people who will be delighted if you introduce them with a fanfare-accompanied list of their achievements. However, you actually show more faith in a friend by introducing him or her with a simple “This is my good friend Alex.”
Of course, there are always exceptions. In business, relevant detailed introductions are necessary, and sometimes it could be helpful to let people know that they have something of interest in common. Both can be done without flattery.
Nothing is so great an example of bad manners as flattery. If you flatter all the company, you please none; If you flatter only one or two, you offend the rest.
~Jonathan Swift
by Alison Poulsen, PhD
Read “Bragging on a first date: ‘I graduated with top honors and live on Knobhill.'”
"Tashi" by Mimi Stuart
Live the Life you Desire
So what I really meant was…
“I might as well use my knife. It’s not worth fighting over. That’s a pretty easy way to make her happy, and I’ll have decent table manners too.”
Good manners are made up of petty sacrifices.
~Ralph Waldo Emerson
On the other hand,
The test of good manners is to be patient with bad ones.
~Gabirol, The Choice of Pearls
by Alison Poulsen, PhD
Read “Enantiadromia: It drives my partner crazy that I’m too polite. I think he is too blunt.”
"Garden of Eden" by Mimi Stuart
Live the Life you Desire
The most indispensable quality in a relationship is respect. When two people deeply respect each other as human beings, they can deal with a lot of challenges and differences of opinion.
The greatest threat to mutual respect is a spouse’s intense needs and fears, which often manifest themselves as controlling or demeaning behavior. While it’s fine to disagree or to be angry, there must be an underlying sense of respect for each other.
It is absolutely critical not to talk to one another disrespectfully. When one person starts speaking disdainfully, with a sneer or a sense of superiority, the other must stop it immediately. It’s up to you to make it perfectly clear that you won’t take it.
When someone goes after you like a judgmental parent, you have to set a boundary. Don’t respond to the advice or accusation. Say meaningfully, “Please, do not speak to me that way,” “Don’t do that,” or “Excuse me?”
Love based on respect requires a sense of self-respect on your part. Moreover, people who exude self-respect by stopping others from crossing a line or talking down to them are more attractive than those who accept it. Expecting respect is a more powerful aphrodisiac than unconditional positive regard.
by Alison Poulsen, PhD
Read “Inner critics attract critical partners. Why does my partner criticize me all the time?”
"Precision Line" — Mariano Rivera
Live the Life you Desire
It’s amazing how fast later comes when you buy now!
~Milton Berle
Saves are often as important as runs in winning championships. Likewise, saving money can be as important as how much money you make.
Yet, research shows that when making decisions, most people opt for a small amount of immediate gratification over a larger amount of future gratification. This is because we often make decisions with the emotional rather than the rational part of the brain.
Emotions help us experience and anticipate pleasure and pain. Yet, because emotions are stronger when anticipating imminent pleasure or pain, we often give greater weight to instantaneous gratification than to delayed gratification.
So, if you want to maximize your happiness, employ your emotions in listing the costs and benefits, or pleasure and pain, of any purchase. Then take some time using your reason to make decisions objectively rather than impulsively.
Money can’t buy you happiness but it does bring you a more pleasant form of misery.
~Spike Milligan
by Alison Poulsen, PhD