Category Archives: Relationship Skills

Acknowledging loved ones:
“We don’t really greet each other anymore.”

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"Fly By" — Blue Angels by Mimi Stuart ©
Live the Life you Desire

Saying “good morning,” “hello,” “good bye,” or “how are you?” every time you see a loved one or when you leave the house or come back home will make a great deal of difference in your relationship over the long term. It shows that you care and makes your partner feel that he or she is not simply taken for granted. While you don’t have to be melodramatic or sentimental, you don’t want to be perfunctory or hasty either.

An actress recently told me that the way she avoids looking fake when she smiles endlessly for the camera is to think happy or loving thoughts while smiling. If instead she thinks, “I hope I don’t look horrible” or “how long is this going to take?” those thoughts show up in her facial expression, despite the smile.

Similarly, when you greet loved ones, or almost anyone for that matter, they will sense it if you’re thinking, “But where are my keys and how long is this going to take?”

It makes a real difference to put your other thoughts on hold and actually look at your loved ones when you greet them or say “good bye.” Real connection occurs best with full presence of mind and body, giving you the ability to connect with real energy and to receive it as well. The long-term well-being of a relationship is built on all the small moments of acknowledgement, appreciation, kindness, and passion over the years.

by Alison Poulsen, PhD

Read “Respect each other: ‘He’s always talking down to me.’”

Read “Overgeneralization: ‘You never show appreciation.’”

Read “Living together Part I: Manners and Boundaries — ‘What’s the matter with you? Look at this mess you made!’”

“He’s always late. I’m ready to end the friendship.”

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"Roar of the Vineyard" by Mimi Stuart ©
Live the Life you Desire

People who are always late usually have problems planning and organizing their time. This usually stems from one of the following causes:

1. They try to fit too much in and forget to allow for the unexpected.

2. They don’t have the discipline to pull themselves away from whatever they’re doing.

3. They hate the idea of being early themselves and having to wait for others.

4. They think they’ll gain status or seem busy by having others wait for them.

5. Or they’ve simply gotten in the habit of being late.

There are endless reasons people have for being late. But there’s one thing they seem to overlook — the message they send. Repeated tardiness says that their time is more important than yours. Such recurrent disregard for others wears out a relationship, even if it is unintentional.

However, we don’t necessarily want to break off friendships because of a person’s inability to follow Lombardi time. Everybody has flaws.

Life is too short to lecture, complain, fight, and try to change someone who won’t change. So in dealing with dilatory dudes, we should make the most of our time in spite of them. Here are some ways in which we can structure our meetings so that we won’t end up waiting:

1. Only meet in locations where you can be comfortably busy doing something productive or enjoyable — e.g., don’t meet on a street corner.

2. Let your tardy friends know that you’ll be leaving by a certain time, and be sure to leave at that time. Eventually, they will learn that they will miss out if they are late.

3. Meet up with several friends, so that you can enjoy your time without wondering when your late friend will finally arrive.

4. Most importantly, plan to enjoy your time without them, and without the expectancy that they will show up — e.g., go ahead and order dinner and start eating without them. When we stop sacrificing our time for our late friends, then we can truly enjoy them without resentment when and if they do show up.

Even couples can structure their lives so that they can avoid the resentment that festers when one person is always waiting for the other. I know a couple where the husband always runs an hour late. The wife now takes her own car to events and dinners because she doesn’t like to be late. She has accepted his flaw, and has found a way to deal with it without ongoing conflict and without having to become late herself. While it’s too bad not to drive together, it’s wonderful to avoid useless disagreements that normally result from pushing someone to hurry.

by Alison Poulsen, PhD


Read “Rushing: ‘I’m only five minutes late and got so much done.’”

Guest Author Sam Vaknin, PhD:
Abuse Victim’s New Year Resolutions — “Things will never change.”

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"Resolute" — Tamara McKinney by Mimi Stuart ©
Live the Life the Desire

New year resolutions are notoriously fragile and ephemeral. But victims of abuse cannot afford this cavalier attitude: their mental — and too often physical — health depends on strictly observing the following promises to
themselves:

1. I will treat myself with dignity and demand respect from others. I will not allow anyone to disrespect me.

2. I will set clear boundaries and make known to others what I regard as permissible and acceptable behavior and what is out of bounds.

3. I will not tolerate abuse and aggression in any form or guise. I will seek to terminate such misconduct instantly and unequivocally.

4. I will be assertive and unambiguous about my needs, wishes, and expectations from others. I will not be arrogant — but I will be confident. I will not be selfish and narcissistic — but I will love and care for
myself.

5. I will get to know myself better.

6. I will treat others as I want them to treat me. I will try to lead by way of self-example.

7. If I am habitually disrespected, abused, or if my boundaries are ignored and breached I will terminate the relationship with the abuser forthwith. Zero tolerance and no second chance will be my maxims of self-preservation.

by Sam Vaknin, PhD — the excellent author of “Malignant Self-love: Narcissism Revisited” and other books about personality disorders.

Loneliness: “I’m all alone.”

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"Silent Night" by Mimi Stuart ©
Live the Life you Desire

Solitude reveals the richness of the Self, while loneliness reveals the poverty of the Self.

It’s good to be aware of feelings of loneliness, and to avoid escaping them by making unhealthy choices such as turning on the TV for background noise, eating junk food, or other addictive behaviors. When you’re alone, you can try to relish the time, do something special for yourself, read great books, listen to good music, reach for depth and serenity.

Too much isolation, however, can lead to melancholy. Loneliness may be a signal that you need to take action to connect with other people. Companionship and community can be revitalizing and enjoyable, but they require active participation.

If you don’t have friends or family nearby that you want to reach out to, helping someone else, such as volunteering at a senior center or wounded soldier program, is a wonderful way to connect with others and eliminate loneliness while doing something worthwhile.

Other ways to meet people and simply enjoy the camaraderie of others include myriad community activities, such as lectures at the library, classes, community theatre, and toastmasters. Pursuing your interests through community activities gets you in touch with people and may make you feel more vibrant and engaged, which will make reaching out to others easier and more natural.

by Alison Poulsen, PhD

Read “Pursuit and Distancing; Intimacy vs. Needing Space.”

“I never call my mom and dad because we have nothing to talk about.”

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"Powdered Gold" by Mimi Stuart ©
Live the Life you Desire

When you call a parent, it’s not important whether you have anything to talk about. Making a call shows that you care. Simply calling to make a connection is what counts.

There’s no need to have long conversations or bring up topics that will generate arguments… unless there is something you want to air and attempt to resolve. Asking how they are doing or even talking about the weather does the job of making a connection.

If you’re afraid your parent will ask awkward questions, such as when are you going to get a real job, there’s no need to respond reactively. Look for the positive concern underlying the question, even if there’s more sarcasm than concern, and take the high road with your response, such as, “I appreciate your concern. I’m glad to have any job right now. Please don’t worry about my finances. I’m doing fine.”

Then switch the subject or get off the phone. “Have a great week. I’ll talk to you soon.”

The longer a person goes without calling a relative, the more resistance he or she will feel about doing it. Keeping these connections alive can mean a lot for everyone involved over the long-term, and can be particularly meaningful for parents as they age. One day you’ll be glad to hear your children on the phone asking, “How are you doing, Mom and Dad?”

by Alison Poulsen, PhD

Read “Getting off the phone: ‘I can never get off the phone with certain people who seem to talk forever.'”