Complacency often causes people to make the following types of comments:
“That wasn’t very hard.”
“You should see what Joan’s husband gets done on the weekend!“
“Well, that’s what a woman is supposed to do!”
“I make dinner all the time!”
“That’s nothing. You should see what I got done today!”
It’s as disheartening to have your efforts dismissed as it is to have them completely ignored. Discounting or ignoring the contributions of others causes people to feel insignificant, defensive, and resentful, which results in:
1. Their withholding further effort,
2. Feeling bad about themselves,
3. Becoming critical,
4. Withholding appreciation for others, and
5. Holding back love.
In contrast, the more a person recognizes the efforts of others, the more good-will they build up. Instead of feeling downcast, defeatist, and defiant, people who are appreciated become confident, cheerful, and giving.
Another benefit to showing plenty of appreciation is that it becomes easier to provide occasional constructive criticism without causing hurt.
If you fall into a pattern where each person disregards or ignores the efforts of the other, it takes enormous determination to break out of that pattern. For a difficult period of time, it may be a one-way street of recognizing the positive in the other person before you receive some appreciation yourself. It helps to remember that people who are unappreciative and cynical are simply protecting their own vulnerability.
If the other person says, “So what? I do a lot too,” you can respond, “I know you do a lot, and I appreciate that. However, it makes me feel better, even happy, when you recognize the things I do as well.”
You may have to ask for some appreciation — without sounding whiney or demanding. You could ask with a smile, “How do you like the delicious dinner I made?” Or “I worked really hard today; I need some love and appreciation.” Such requests should be made with kindness and gratitude because any hint of criticism or complaint may cause a backlash of ill will.
We tend to forget that happiness doesn’t come as a result of getting something we don’t have, but rather of recognizing and appreciating what we do have.
Procrastination makes easy things hard, hard things harder.
~Mason Cooley
People who procrastinate put off things because they hope to avoid the stress in dealing with them. However, procrastination is really a form of self-sabotage, actually increasing a person’s stress level and making most problems worse.
If you don’t deal with a late bill, the charges go up and your credit rating goes down, creating more stress. If you don’t talk to your partner or child about their behavior toward you, their behavior becomes ingrained and communication becomes more difficult, creating more stress. If you don’t start a work project, the pressure to get it done mounts, and other activities get tainted by stress.
Life is full of surprises and challenges. By facing such challenges head on, we adapt, grow, and learn to manage life without exacerbating the stress. If you stop running from your problems and face them sraight on, starting with the biggest one first, the relief you will feel will be liberating and life altering.
Rather than letting the fear of pain and frustration cause you to avoid life and its challenges, you can examine that fear to make better decisions. Instead of thinking, “Oh no, how can I avoid this miserable problem?” you can ask yourself, “What added pain and frustration will I have to suffer if I put it off?” No one likes undue stress; however, it is much easier to endure when we realize that we are minimizing long-term pain and suffering and maximizing long-term peace of mind.
Making a list of the steps you need to take is a good way to start. Then you just have to take that first step and face a problem head on. That’s usually the hardest part. If you just start the project, the momentum builds and usually takes care of the rest.
Of course there are appropriate times to procrastinate. On some occasions it’s wise to mull problems over for a day or two. Moreover, if a truly exceptional situation comes up, it can be worthwhile to wait until tomorrow and then to stop procrastinating.
Can a clean house eliminate family conflict? Does a messy home make or break a relationship?
Too much clutter tends to confuse the mind while good feng shui enhances harmony in the home. Nevertheless, family conflict stems more from how you go about dividing up chores rather than how clean the house is.
Clear communication about expectations and goals is the best way to avoid the growth of disappointment and resentment, which can devour family relations like a malignancy.
As with most joint decision-making, it’s best to sit down to discuss the issue neutrally and fairly rather than giving unilateral directives. Doing all the chores yourself, grumbling snidely, or escaping the whole issue through distractions causes resentment among all parties.
Start with a comment, such as, “Let’s sit down and discuss chores, so we all can decide what we are willing to do and feel that it’s fair.”
Write down all the daily, weekly and seasonal chores. Then jointly figure out who prefers which chores and reach agreement on who will do what. Use a matter-of-fact tone and a good attitude as though you are choosing what to order off a menu rather than having punishment meted out. (“Let’s see… I’ll take the ‘Mow the lawn on Saturdays.’”)
It’s important to be fair and cooperative. Consider taking turns doing the chores nobody likes doing. If your budget permits, consider hiring or trading with outside services for the jobs nobody can stand doing.
If you have been doing most of the work, it may be in your best interest to allow your family members to lead the discussion and bring up ideas of how to divide up the work. They are more likely to buy into their own ideas. Write everything down and post the list.
Only jump in to do others’ chores if you can do so out of the goodness of your heart and without resentment. Try not to police others, because it creates tension and it backfires. If someone keeps neglecting their chores, have another meeting and discuss it. Joint decision-making and ongoing open communication will pay off for everyone, especially the children. It gives them ownership.
We think effective communication has to do with talking, although it has much more to do with listening. Yet, it is surprising how rare and difficult it is to actively listen.
We think we are listening when we are really just waiting for the other person to take a breath so we can interject our response, analogy, defense, or anticipate what’s going to be said by filling in the blanks. Planning our own responses and anticipating when to jump in is not active listening.
People assume that the person talking has all the power. But it is really the person who listens who gains power through understanding what is actually being said.
The power and enjoyment that come from good conversation and a meeting of the minds involve listening attentively, similar to how jazz musicians have to really listen to each other to play great music together.
Active Listening Do’s
1. Be mindful, that is, be present, aware, and engaged; 2. Manage your emotions by exercising patience rather than being reactive and anticipating what will be said; 3. Have an open attitude as opposed to having a set opinion and set expectations; and 4. Consider the context of the speaker’s words as influenced by his or her own background and experience, so you don’t quibble over the idiosyncratic use of words.
Active Listening Don’ts
1. Do not interrupt and debate the speaker. 2. Do not tell the speaker what he or she should be thinking or feeling. That is simply a way of imposing your judgment on others. 3. Do not use his or her story as a take-off point for your own story. 4. Do not give advice unless and only when you are asked for it. Enhancing Relationships
You can see that active listening takes effort and your full attention. The payoff is worth it, however. The benefit is that you can simultaneously enhance relationships AND increase understanding or solve problems.
Active listening is a pre-condition for empathy and equality — keys to enhancing a relationship. It requires focusing on the other person instead of yourself. When someone sees that you are really paying attention, he or she tends to feel more alive and become more animated in the conversation.
Encouraging Openness
People feel more comfortable and open with a relaxed and attentive listener, rather than someone who is impatient, agitated, or highly controlled. Making positive encouraging eye contact without being distracted encourages the speaker to open up.
If appropriate you can repeat what you heard the speaker say and ask them whether you have understood them correctly. “It sounds like you’re discouraged about such and such. Is that right?”
Giving reflective feedback rather than advice can be very helpful because both parties become clearer about a situation, which is key in having a good conversation or a meeting of the minds.
Like any technological medium, Facebook and other social media can enrich your life, waste your time, or cause damage, even though you are not doing anything illegal, unethical, or immoral.
Facebook time is increasingly contributing to the erosion of real-life loving relationships. Here are two primary ways in which such technological devotion can insidiously take a toll on existing relationships with loved ones: 1. Facebook Overload
There is nothing wrong with keeping in touch with friends and enjoying the entertainment value of Facebook and other social media. Friendship, camaraderie, community, entertainment, and laughter are very healthy human pursuits. For some people, who might be shy, housebound, or isolated from friends, social media provides a wonderful opportunity to communicate with friends and to participate in community. Many people enjoy getting in touch with a variety of people they might not otherwise stay in touch with, sharing photos and status updates.
Yet, for some people, such pastime easily turns into a compulsive addiction. When you start to crave getting online and impulsively logging on without any specific goal, you may find yourself wasting a lot of time.
You only need to ask yourself how honestly proud, pleased, or fulfilled you feel after spending time on Facebook to know whether you are squandering your time. Sometimes you DO feel good about the time spent — that you’ve had some laughs, made some connections with people, found out about a great event, or seen some interesting videos. But other times you might feel empty and dazed as though you’ve been flipping channels between bad TV stations for the past hour.
2. Curiosity, Attractions, and Fantasies
It’s human nature to be curious about what’s happened to old friends and lovers and to be intrigued about people you find interesting or attractive. However, when you start nosing around on Facebook much beyond a one-time glance at people you find attractive, you may be taking that time and intention away from your real relationships and other activities that you may want to pursue to become the best person you can be.
Given the apparent confidentiality of being online, curiosity can slip into voyeurism. When you start repeatedly checking out particular individuals’ photos and entries, it’s easy to project your fantasies on them. After all, they generally post only their most attractive photos. When you don’t have an in-depth relationship with someone, you fill in the unknowns with whatever you most desire.
There’s usually nothing harmful in having momentary fantasies. Being attracted to others is normal and not necessarily damaging. What’s unhealthy and destructive is thinking obsessively about them. Ultimately, directing your energy toward your fantasy will come at the expense of your real relationships.
When you look at the photos and follow the profiles of those people you find attractive repeatedly, you can easily start having obsessive projections and fantasies about them. This can significantly erode the real-life relationship you have, even if your significant other is not aware of the direction of your attention. If much of your energy and focus is directed toward these fantasies, then the lack of attention, openness, love and passion in your real-world relationships will eventually destroy those real-time relationships.
If you’re not in relationship, obsessive fantasies can similarly prevent you from interacting face to face with people and learning how to develop live relationships with people.
Solutions
With self-awareness and a desire to choose the life you want to live and the type of relationships you want to have, you can monitor your habits and change them.
It is very simple to see how much time you spend on Facebook each week, and to think about what else you might have accomplished in that time. Then you can decide if you want to reduce that time spent online.
You can also check out your browser history over the past few months and see how you have been using Facebook and other social media and ask yourself if you are being obsessive about specific people or topics. Think about whether that time looking at others’ photos has inspired and enhanced your real-time relationships and your life, or whether you are eroding your relationships and demeaning yourself by developing a preference for engaging in fantasy over other choices you might make.
Life is a series of experiences and adjustments. To live the life you desire, it helps to look at the choices you’re making and tweak them to best serve the goals you set for yourself. It’s less painful to make those adjustments frequently, before your patterns of behavior wreak havoc on your life and relationships.
