Category Archives: Relationship Skills

“I hate small talk. It’s such a waste of time.”

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"Pizzicato Petite Sirah" R&B Cellars collection
by Mimi Stuart © Live the Life you Desire

 

Endless chitchat about mindless subjects can drive anybody crazy. When people carry on without allowing others to engage in the conversation, they are missing the point of small talk. Appropriate small talk should feel like a dance not like an assault.

Connection

Communication is not simply about passing on information. One of the primary goals of communicating with people is to make a connection with them.

Small talk is all about connection. The style of talk is playful, casual, and humorous, without being critical, overbearing, or a chatterbox. Appropriate small talk is vital in developing and sustaining relationships.

There are several reasons for connecting through small talk.

1. Emotional Closeness

The energy in a person’s body language, not the information behind the words, communicates warmth. You can even engage in small talk with someone who speaks a different language and convey friendliness and humor.

2. Effective Dialogue

When there is disagreement, small talk can help you develop connection by showing your common humanity, which allows for a more effective dialogue. Without establishing connection, disagreements become accusatory or controlling attacks and will cause defensiveness, anger, or hurt feelings.

3. Ritual Small Talk

Small talk shows our competence in normal communication. It reveals our ability to read other people. When people see that we know when to start talking, when to stop, and that we know what topics are appropriate given the circumstances, they see we have a basic understanding of how to relate to people.

Imagine that someone says, “What beautiful weather we’re having,” and the second person responds with a simple, “no” or “I guess” with no warmth or further comment showing confirmation of the first speaker’s attempt to make a connection. It leaves the first speaker wondering, “What’s wrong with him/her? How rude!” or “OK, I made the effort! But I won’t try anymore.”

When people start an intense debate when others are simply shooting the breeze, it signals that they are oblivious to what’s going on around them.

When people cannot adhere to the unspoken rules of appropriate small talk, others get frustrated and suspicious. Those who can’t or won’t engage in small talk in appropriate situations or who don’t allow others to talk are often rejected and avoided.

People who recognize when small talk is appropriate adapt easily to relationship expectations. Moreover, those who understand the bounds of appropriate communication are generally seen to be likable and trustworthy.

4. New Relationships

Small talk is like a dance in getting to know someone. Through talking casually while avoiding any commitment, you get a feel for what the other person is like—whether you click, whether there’s some commonality or a spark between you.

The subject of conversation matters less than the feeling behind the words. If there seems to be mutual understanding, you can gradually deepen the conversation by disclosing more personal values and thoughts. If you don’t sense reciprocity, no harm is done.

While we don’t have to spend a great deal of time engaging in small talk, we can use it to create better connection with other people. As long as we sense when other people have had enough, then small talk can be meaningful.

Whether a conversation with someone lasts a fleeting moment at the supermarket or develops into a lasting relationship, the purpose of small talk is to express the desire for a positive emotional connection between two human beings. While small talk seems to be about nothing at all, it’s really about being human, understanding subtle communication, and responding to people with a sense of connection.

by Alison Poulsen, PhD

Read “Acknowledging loved ones: ‘We don’t really greet each other anymore.’”

Read “I never call my mom and dad because we have nothing to talk about.”

Read “Conversation and Active Listening: ‘It seems like I do all the talking.’”

Should you work on yourself before getting into a relationship?

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"Copland's 'Appalachian Spring'" by Mimi Suart ©
Live the Life you Desire

Is it better to be alone or in a relationship? Should people work on themselves while by themselves or while in a relationship?

The answer differs from person to person, and changes depending on individual circumstances and within different stages of life. There are many ways to live one’s life.

For many people, the best way to develop relationship skills and learn more about themselves is within the context of a relationship — as long as the relationship is not oppressive or abusive. When they are in the world alone, everything may seem to run smoothly without complication. But they may not be challenged. Moreover, they miss out on the many rewards of relationship.

Relationships can enrich life tremendously despite their complications and difficulties. Moreover, it is while involved in a relationship that people get triggered and thus learn to view themselves through the eyes of others. How else would you discover that you are inconsiderate, overly serious, or play the victim without someone close to you pointing it out.

Relationships thus challenge us to view ourselves from someone else’s point of view. This can drive us to improve how we move in the world and relate to others.

However, for some people — particularly for those who are too easily influenced by others or anxious to please others — being alone can be a valuable growing experience. Solitude and the freedom that comes with it allow them to find out who they are rather than merely what other people want.

For instance, someone who has been brought up in the shadow of a powerful or controlling person may have learned to become so tuned into the desires and expectations of others for the sake of survival that they actually have not considered what they themselves want in life. In such cases, it’s often helpful to enjoy solitude and avoid having someone else’s opinions and demands intrude upon their quietly developing sense of self.

Ideally we learn to consider others while maintaining a sense of ourselves. Whether we are in a relationship or not, learning to have a multi-faceted perspective helps us to balance our own desires with those of others.

In a great orchestral suite, the distinct movements are arranged to create a whole, which is greater than any individual movement. At times we hear the individual instruments or sections while at times we hear how they blend together to create unique and awe-inspiring music.

by Alison Poulsen, PhD

Read ‘Loneliness: ‘I’m all alone.’”

Read “If ONLY I found the right man to love, then I would be happy.”

Read “Inner Struggle: ‘I’m tired of giving in.’”

Changing Relationship Dynamics:
“It’s too late to start telling my boyfriend to let me know when he’s coming home late because our communication patterns have already been established.”

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"Journey" by Mimi Stuart ©
Live the Life you Desire

It’s never too late to tell a person what your needs are within the context of a meaningful relationship. These kinds of changes are important for the growth of both partners and the relationship itself.

The most effective way to make changes is to make specific positive requests rather than to make demands or silently hope for what you want.

Specific positive requests:

1. Avoid criticism: The most effective requests have no hint of criticism in them. Instead of “You never call!” you could say, “I would appreciate it…”

2. Invite empathy without being a victim: Effective requests invite the other person to see it from your point of view. “I get worried when you don’t call and I end up not making my own plans.”

3. Make a request not a demand: This allows the other person to decline. “You better call me!” is controlling and degrading, while “I’d appreciate it if you’d call,” enhances mutual respect.

4. Be specific: Rather than generalities such as, “Be considerate!” or “Respect me!” make specific requests, such as “If you call or text me by 5PM, that would be great.”

“It would make me happy if you would call before 5 when you’re going to come home late so that I won’t get worried and put my own plans on hold.”

Understand Motivation, Change Expectations

If he keeps forgetting, then see if you can figure out an alternative, such as texting him, “I haven’t heard from you and I am assuming you’ll be late and am thinking of making other plans for the evening. Let me know.”

If there is no effective alternative, then it’s time to change your expectations. How you do this depends on what you’re willing to live with. This person may be so engrossed in work that it’s difficult to break away to make that phone call. Or perhaps he or she is irresponsible, or simply expects you to be waiting for him or her despite any efforts made on his part.

Change your Actions

If you decide to stay with him despite this flaw (everyone has some flaws,) you might structure your own life differently so that you won’t feel that you are constantly in limbo. You may decide to make your own plans and go out or meet with others rather than stay up and wait. You will feel less resentment, and he will wonder where you are, or at least miss you until you come home. That may just change his behavior.

It also creates a bit of a consequence when he doesn’t call. Note that a natural consequence is very different from punishment motivated by spite.

Avoid being a doormat — it is not manipulation.

You might view making other plans when he doesn’t call as a game, but it is not. It is a way to avoid falling into a doormat relationship dynamic, which gets worse with waiting, yearning, and pleading, but improves when you move forward with your own life, friends, and interests. If you don’t want to be treated like a doormat, don’t act like one. As a consequence your partner might pay attention and, if not, your life will improve anyway.

If you feel this is too manipulative, there’s no reason not to be completely honest about your intentions. You could simply explain that you worry and resent him when you wait for him to come home and don’t get a call. It’s easier for you to go out and stop waiting.

There’s no need to become angry or barn sour, like a horse who wants to stay in the barn to brood. It’s always good to start with discussions, but follow through with actions. If you are still deeply disappointed, you can make further changes in your expectations and life. It’s your life to live.

by Alison Poulsen, PhD

Watch “How to avoid becoming a Doormat.”

Read “Improving Relationships.”

Creating a better relationship:
“You don’t know what you’re talking about!”

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"Magic Swing" — Freddie Couples by Mimi Stuart ©
Live the Life you Desire

So what I really meant was…

“Would you explain that again? I’d like to understand what you mean.”

The way you treat another person has tremendous impact on the type of relationship you are creating and on who you are as a person. If you repeatedly treat the other with condescension or dismissiveness, you are creating an unequal and unhappy relationship. When you focus on the weaknesses of others, you are actually demeaning yourself, despite your feelings of superiority.

If you repeatedly talk to the other person in ways that show that you think he or she is competent and capable, and can influence you, you are creating the foundation of equality and respect that can sustain a happy relationship. When you are patient enough to find out what someone really means, conversation becomes much more meaningful and productive.

We can bring out the best in others, ourselves, and our relationships by expressing empathy, curiosity, and magnanimity.

by Alison Poulsen, PhD

Read “Communicating with “I” Statements: ‘You’re wrong!’”

Read “We always argue.”

Read “Improving Relationships.”

Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs:
“Since he lost his job, he doesn’t seem to care about our relationship.”

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"Out of the Rough" by Mimi Stuart ©
Live the Life you Desire

When people are immersed in fear, they generally don’t feel secure enough to focus on higher-level aspirations such as improving their relationships or expressing their creativity. Abraham Maslow’s pyramid of needs is an elegant picture of the order in which human needs are met. Generally, it is easier to focus on love and happiness when you are not worried about food and shelter.

Understanding Maslow’s hierarchy helps us deal with people in our lives who are under stress. Where someone is on the pyramid is not solely a function of external factors, but also a function of the person’s psychological tendencies. Understanding where they are helps us to relate to them more effectively.

As with most theories, the hierarchy of needs is a useful way of seeing general patterns, but it is not a rigid structure.

Living at a lower level of needs

Many people around the world live on one of the bottom two rungs of the pyramid for their entire lives because their physiological or safety needs are always under threat. When you are hungry or living in an area of civil unrest or war, you don’t have time to worry about your child’s self-esteem or your own self-actualization.

Yet, poverty and unrest do not preclude higher levels of psychological attainment, such as pursuit of friendship, community, and living up to your potential. However, the greater the external threat the more challenging it becomes to pursue those higher aspirations.

"Maslow's Pyramid of Needs"

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Living at a higher level of needs

These articles are primarily read by and written for people who value personal growth and loving relationships. They are fortunate to be free from the relentless worry about basic needs and survival, and can thus focus on higher needs such as belonging, love, and life’s meaning.

Yet, in an instant, anyone can suddenly find him- or herself at the lowest level on the pyramid, if only psychologically. A person who becomes ill or loses a spouse or a job may be racked with fear as nightmarish as someone living in the middle of a wartime environment. The chemical and psychological responses may be just as severe as if there were a deadly threat.

Even when future safety is not at stake, someone who loses his or her job may react as though it were. For instance, someone whose very identity is based on being a productive career-oriented person may feel annihilated when he or she loses that job.

Psychological response

While the hierarchy of needs is greatly influenced by external circumstances, another critical factor is the psychological state you choose when the going gets rough.

Even some of the most fortunate people, who don’t need to worry about food and shelter, may live under great stress worrying about their financial deals or the stock market, finding themselves at the bottom of Maslow’s hierarchy psychologically. The same is true of some healthy people who live in constant fear of disease and thus have turned into hypochondriacs, or exercise fanatics, who destroy their bodies in their obsessive quest for “health.” It is low-level fear that drives them even though they have adequate health, food, and shelter.

On the opposite side, there are people whose basic needs are constantly threatened, and yet, they are able to live in a tranquil psychological state aspiring to love and self-actualization. Thus, they manage to reside at the top of the pyramid.

Anyone can find him- or herself at the bottom, and anyone can bring him- or herself to the top. Clearly, however, the worse the external circumstances, the more challenging it becomes to have the ability, strength, and support to focus on higher-level needs.

Dealing with someone on the lower level

When someone has dropped into a lower level of the pyramid, it is not the best time to discuss how to improve your relationship or your happiness. It is more effective and compassionate to meet that person on his or her current level and try to help.

Imagine your teenage child comes home from school under great stress because of a remark made by a peer. The parent should realize that the teenager has dropped into the bottom of the pyramid psychologically. While such an event may seem trivial to an adult, to a teenager it is not. Don’t expect warmth and family affiliation. Simply be there to help if help is needed.

Similarly, if your partner has lost his job, don’t expect him to work on the relationship. He just needs to know he is loved, unconditionally. This is where your own ability to remain calm and non-reactive can help him from spiraling downwards into panic.

Sometimes getting out of the circular thinking that creates panic may require a change of activities or a change of setting to evoke a different psychological state. For some people that might involve playing with the kids, going to an inspirational talk or church, or doing volunteer work. For others, it might involve playing a sport, watching a game with friends, or going on a trip.

Nobody’s life is ever totally secure. It is left up to us to seek and aspire to higher levels of meaning despite life’s uncertainty. One of the best examples is the Greek sage and philosopher Epictetus, who wrote his most inspiring work while imprisoned.

It’s not what happens to you, but how you react to it that matters.

~Epictetus

There is only one way to happiness and that is to cease worrying about things which are beyond the power or our will.

~Epictetus

by Alison Poulsen, PhD

Read “Conversation and Active Listening: ‘It seems like I do all the talking.’”

Read “Compassion in Relationships.”

Read “Giving Advice: ‘She never listens to me.’”