A TRUE friend supports you only when he believes that you are doing the right thing in your self-interest and welfare;
A FAKE friend supports you always, no matter what you do.
A TRUE friend respects you only when you have earned respect and act respectably;
A FAKE friend “respects” you regardless of your behavior – or misbehaviour.
A TRUE friend trusts you only as long as you prove yourself trustworthy, only while you do not put his trust to the test too often, and only on certain issues;
A FAKE friend “trusts” you with everything and always.
To summarize:
A TRUE friend puts to you a mirror in which you see REALITY and the TRUTH.
A FAKE friend puts to you a mirror in which you see your own reflection, yourself and nothing else besides.
A TRUE friend loves YOU in your friendship. He loves YOU even without your friendship.
A FAKE friend loves HIMSELF in your friendship – or loves the friendship itself, but never YOU.
With a TRUE friend you need never ask: “What is he getting out of this relationship?” for loving you is its own reward.
With a FAKE friend you must always ask “Why is he still in this relationship?” for loving you is never enough of a reward.
by Guest Author Sam Vaknin, the author of Malignant Self-love: Narcissism Revisited and After the Rain – How the West Lost the East, as well as many other books and ebooks about topics in psychology, relationships, philosophy, economics, and international affairs. He is the Editor-in-Chief of Global Politician and served as a columnist for Central Europe Review, PopMatters, eBookWeb , and Bellaonline, and as a United Press International (UPI) Senior Business Correspondent. He was the editor of mental health and Central East Europe categories in The Open Directory and Suite101.
Visit Sam’s Web site at http://www.narcissistic-abuse.com.
“I just wasn’t the fastest person today. I’m looking forward to the next race.”
It’s easy to shine when you win. But the test of true sportsmanship is how you react when you don’t win. Even when your complaints are legitimate, it’s best to keep your cool and focus on how fortunate you are to be able to participate and excel in your sport. Then you can learn from the experience and apply it to the next race.
Accusing someone of nagging is an unnecessary provocation of hostility.
Even though it’s annoying to be reminded over and over again to do something, it’s best to resist getting defensive by saying “Stop nagging me.” If you respond like a child when you are treated like a child, the relationship pattern turns into an unpleasant parent/child dynamic: the disappointed parent trying to control the sullen or rebellious child.
Instead, you can avoid this dreaded pattern if you continue to act like an adult by asserting boundaries while showing compassion. Try to use understanding and reason while being honest about your needs. Simply because somebody wants you to do something doesn’t mean you have to do it. However, relationships thrive only with candid, respectful and honest communication. Be clear. Let the person know if you plan to do the thing being asked later or simply don’t want to do it.
Here are some examples of how to respond. More important than the specific wording is your tone of voice.
I heard you. Unfortunately I won’t have time to do that any time soon. Perhaps you can take care of it.
Or
I know you have good intentions but I need to tell you that I feel like a child when you tell me several times what you want me to do. Please just ask once.
Or
I plan to get it done tomorrow. When you repeat yourself, I get very defensive. It would be helpful if you would resist repeating it.
Or
I first want to finish what I’m doing. Please don’t ask me again.
When people repeat themselves and tell others what to do, it may be that they are frustrated by not knowing whether you remember what they’ve asked. So it helps to be clear about whether and when you are willing to help.
Or it may be that they are projecting their own anxiety onto those around them. If you respond with hostility, the anxious person will feel justified in thinking that you are the cause of his or her anxiety.
If on the other hand you remain calm and reasonable, and speak with candor and self-confidence, the anxious person is less likely to spiral into increased anxiety. Harmony can more easily be restored.
“I’ll be back when the movie’s over. Have a great evening. I’ll miss you.”
It’s important to continue to do the things you enjoy doing rather than limiting yourself to only those things you do together and becoming resentful. Of course, you can do so in a loving way.
When you find that your partner differs from you in behavior, attitude or opinion, make an effort to moderate your position or you will both tend to become polarized, each partner becoming more one-sided.
For instance, if you are more of a pursuer and your partner is more of a distancer, hold yourself back from always trying to gain attention and more intimacy. It tends to push the other person into the position of seeking distance or needing more space.
Here are some other examples of opposite characteristics that couples often polarize in if they are not careful:
• the spontaneous person, the responsible one • the talker/ the listener • the intravert/the extravert • the inner critic/ the judge • the pleaser/the receiver
2. Respect
Research by John Gottman shows that if couples don’t show respect for one another at least 80% of the time their relationship will deteriorate and end up in divorce.
So show respect to one another. Pay attention to the following:
• How you speak: respectful tone of voice • How you listen: with interest • Value the independence, needs and desires of your partner • Bring the best of yourself to your partner and the relationship, which includes staying healthy.
3. Self-respect
Self-respect is a gift to yourself and those around you. When you show self-respect, others tend to respect you and desire your company.
Avoid frequent self-criticism, self-contempt, or tolerating contempt or belittling from others. Turn negative self-criticism such as “I’m a loser,” into positive self-talk, such as “Next time, I’ll do it this way….”
Value yourself, your needs and desires. Stop others—respectfully—when they are disrespectful to you. In a respectful tone say “Excuse me?” or “That is not helpful.” Again, you’re doing both of you a favor. No one feels good about themselves when they treat you badly.
4. Differentiation
Emotional independence allows for deeper caring without controlling others. It is important that you:
• Stay emotionally separate
• Remain calm
• Avoid being reactive
• Don’t walk on eggshells
• Don’t allow yourself to be controlled by others’ moodiness
• Don’t allow anxiety to become infectious
• Don’t try to control others or fix all problems
The key here is to learn to tolerate the discomfort of someone else’s emotions.
5. Independence
When you remain capable of being emotionally and financially independent, you choose to stay with someone out of desire not fear.
Avoid becoming completely dependent on someone else for the following:
• Emotional support
• Financial needs
• Friendships
• Decision making
If you feel incapable of something then learn it – you will be better for it – and more desirable.
6. Caring
Find joy in being thoughtful, giving and doing kind things for another person. Particularly if you are the type who takes care of yourself, you will find great reward in being appreciative, considerate and surprising your partner with your caring and helpfulness. But do not deny them the pleasure of doing it themselves.
7. Pursue your Passions
When you pursue your passions and stay connected with your friends and family, you become more alive and connected with the different parts of who you really are. Similarly, it’s important to encourage your partner to pursue his or her favorite interests, sports, and hobbies, and to stay in touch with their friends.
People who restrict their lives to their partnership often lose vitality and end up having little from the outside world to bring to the relationship. Venture out, your partner should enjoy the fact that you’ll have more to bring to the relationship.
8. Shared Enjoyment
Make time for each other daily and include all or any combination of the following:
If you want the magic back in your relationship, cultivate fun and romance. It may not come naturally at first. But daily laughter and adventure together will change a boring relationship to a passionate, loving one.
Embracing • calm demeanor • facts • respect for the other • respect for your own needs and desires
10. Growth and Transformation
When we find a weak point in our relationship that we need to work on, we need to exert all effort into changing our own habits. If, for instance, you tend to be critical of your partner, it’s important to be mindful on a daily and hourly basis of your automatic tendency to criticize. You need to pay attention to that need to criticize and stop yourself by remembering that it will not enhance your relationship or make the other person feel good.
Good relationships are the result of two people’s effort to improve themselves and nurture the relationship on a daily basis. The rewards are well worth the efforts.
