Watch “7 keys to a great relationship” by clicking on the title or picture below:
This video illustrates seven essential requirements of having a fantastic relationship.
1. Respect is the fundamental requirement for a good relationship. Contempt, on the other hand, will destroy a relationship. Body language and tone of voice are key in being respectful.
2. Be considerate without being overly accommodating. You shouldn’t ignore your own needs and desires or do things that you really don’t want to do.
3. Discuss problems without venting. Don’t talk non-stop about unimportant details and don’t attack the other person. You don’t want to bring down the relationship or bore the other person with trivialities and negativity.
4. Remain calm. Don’t become reactive or defensive even if the other person is angry or over-reacting. It only takes one person to keep things positive or at least prevent hostility.
5. Pursue your own passions. You don’t have to do everything together. Also don’t diminish the other person’s interests or sports.
6. Keep the romance, fun, and passion alive. Don’t allow your relationship to become mundane and ordinary.
7. Appreciate the good in the other person. Don’t be over-critical and don’t focus on the flaws. By appreciating the good in the other person, you tend to bring out the best in the other person and in the relationship.
Q. Would narcissists often try to restrict their partner’s independence by reducing their access to shared family finances? Why?
A. Narcissists are control freaks, paranoid, jealous, possessive, and envious. They are the sad products of early childhood abandonment by parents, caregivers, role models, and/or peers. Hence their extreme abandonment anxiety and insecure attachment style. Fostering financial dependence in their nearest and dearest is just another way of making sure of their continued presence as sources of narcissistic supply (attention.) He who holds the purse strings holds the heart’s strings.
Reducing other people to begging and cajoling also buttresses the narcissist’s grandiose fantasy of omnipotence and provides him with a somewhat sadistic gratification.
Q. Would it also happen with female narcissists exercising control over men?
A. Yes. There is no major psychodynamic difference between male and female narcissists.
Q. What advice would you give to someone in a relationship with a narcissist? Should they try to keep their finances separate?
A. They should never allow themselves to be irrevocably separated from their family of origin and close friends. They should maintain their support network and refuse to become a part of the narcissist’s cult-like shared psychosis. They should make sure that they have independent sources of wealth (a trust fund; real estate; bank accounts; deposits; securities) and sustainable sources of income (a job; rental income; interest and dividends; royalties). Above all: they should not share with their narcissistic intimate partner the full, unmitigated details of their life and critical bits of information such as banking passwords and safe box access codes.
Q. I understand that narcissists will sometimes sacrifice their finances and get into big trouble financially (even going bankrupt) in order to satisfy other narcissistic desires – so I presume this means that narcissists are also people whose finances can be instable?
A. It is not as simple as that. The classic narcissist maintains an island of stability in his life (e.g.: his job, business, and finances) while the other dimensions of his existence (e.g., interpersonal relations) wallow in chaos and unpredictability. The narcissist may marry, divorce, and remarry with dizzying speed. Everything in his life may be in constant flux: friends, emotions, judgements, values, beliefs, place of residence, affiliations, hobbies. Everything, that is, except his work.
His career is the island of compensating stability in his otherwise mercurial existence. This kind of narcissist is dogged by unmitigated ambition and devotion. He perseveres in one workplace or one job, patiently, persistently and blindly climbing up the corporate ladder and treading the career path. In his pursuit of job fulfilment and achievements, the narcissist is ruthless and unscrupulous ˆ and, very often, successful.
The borderline narcissist reacts to instability in one area of his life by introducing chaos into all the others. Thus, if such a narcissist resigns (or, more likely, is made redundant) ˆ he also relocates to another city or country. If he divorces, he is also likely to resign his job.
This added instability gives this type of narcissist the feeling that all the dimensions of his life are changing simultaneously, that he is being “unshackled”, that a transformation is in progress. This, of course, is an illusion. Those who know the narcissist, no longer trust his frequent “conversions”, “decisions”, “crises”, “transformations”, “developments” and “periods”. They see through his pretensions, protestations, and solemn declarations into the core of his instability. They know that he is not to be relied upon. They know that with narcissists, temporariness is the only permanence.
Narcissists hate routine. When a narcissist finds himself doing the same things over and over again, he gets depressed. He oversleeps, over-eats, over-drinks and, in general, engages in addictive, impulsive, reckless, and compulsive behaviours. This is his way of re-introducing risk and excitement into what he (emotionally) perceives to be a barren life.
The problem is that even the most exciting and varied existence becomes routine after a while. Living in the same country or apartment, meeting the same people, doing essentially the same things (even with changing content) ˆ all “qualify”, in the eyes of the narcissist, as stultifying rote.
The narcissist feels entitled. He feels it is his right, due to his intellectual or physical superiority, to lead a thrilling, rewarding, kaleidoscopic life. He wants to force life itself, or at least people around him, to yield to his wishes and needs, supreme among them the need for stimulating variety.
It turns out the greatest indicator of success is not IQ, family wealth, good looks, or artificially-induced “self-esteem,” but something Angela Lee Duckworth calls “grit,” which is the ability to persevere at working hard despite the failures and challenges that confront us on a daily basis.
Imagine being a child whose parents’ ongoing commentary is, “You’re so smart. Look what you’ve done! You are amazing!” At first, such adulation might make you feel good, particularly when you’re two years old. Pretty soon, however, you realize that others are as smart or smarter than you and you begin doubting your parents. You fear being found out, which often leads to a lack of motivation. You unconsciously fear that any aspiration might lead to disappointment and embarrassment when you are found to be lacking your parents’ high assessment and expectations.
“I better not try this new sport. I don’t want to look like a beginner.”
“I’m not going to study for this test. It’s too embarrassing If I study and do poorly. Instead I’ll point out how stupid the teacher is.”
“I’ll make it look like it’s my decision not to try. I would hate to appear average after trying.”
Now imagine being a child whose parents never give their approval and in fact spend most of their time criticizing you. It would make you feel angry, depressed and horrible about yourself. It might, however, lead you to try harder to win their approval. Yet if you do succeed in the outside world and even if you do eventually get their approval, you will still have that inner voice that never thinks you’re good enough. Again you live with a fear of being found to be inadequate because no matter what external success you achieve, you can’t get rid of the feeling that you are inferior. Living with an inner critic that says you’re worthless is a painful way to go through life.
What kind of parenting then is likely to foster your children’s grit and not leave them with a tyrannical inner critic? Inborn personality traits and genetics do influence how a particular child grows and develops in a particular environment. In general, however, a child is likely to develop self-motivation, healthy self-esteem, and an ability to persevere through frustration and failure under the following conditions:
1. The parent does not excessively judge the child in a negative manner, particularly in a general way, “That’s terrible. You’re lazy. You’ll never get it right.”
2. The parent does not lavish implausible praise upon the child, particularly in a general way, “That’s amazing. You’re fantastic. You’re the best, the smartest, the best-looking.”
3. The parent does give occasional specific constructive guidance. “Try moving your arm like this when you throw the ball.” “Maybe you want to try this,” or “Approach it this way.”
4. The parent does give specific statements of approval on occasion, such as “It looks like you worked hard for those good grades.” “That color blue gives the painting a feeling of peace.” “I enjoyed listening to your speech.” Note that if approval occurs twenty times a day, it will feel as though the parent is trying to boost the child’s self-esteem. The child will infer from this that the parent thinks the child needs such boosting because the parent thinks he or she is inadequate. In other words, constant efforts to give approval backfire.
5. The family appreciates hard work more than natural talent. “I appreciate the time you spent helping me.” “I admire your persistence.”
6. When there’s a setback or failure, the parent does not over-react either negatively or positively. For example, the parent does not say, “Oh no. I knew this would happen! You should have studied harder!” Or “Don’t worry honey, you really are the best. I’ll help you next time.” Instead the parent remains neutral and caring, but not over-involved. “I’m sure you will figure out what you need to do to make it work.”
7. Most importantly, the child grows up with a belief that effort and practice lead to improvement, rather than with a belief that the IQ and talents you’re born with are fixed. Simply learning about current research on the neuro-plasticity of our brain encourages a growth mind-set, which, in turn, is proven to promote hard work and self-motivation.
Self-motivation, self-control and self-possession are key to developing courage and grit. A person loses motivation when others push too much, get too involved or overreact. The price of success is hard work, dedication to the job at hand, and the determination that whether we win or lose, we have applied the best of ourselves to the task at hand, as Vince Lombardi, the great football coach, has put it. Ultimately, failure and being undeterred by failure are prerequisites to success in life, for Success is not final, failure is not fatal, it is the courage to continue that counts. ~Winston Churchill.
Often the best way to give advice to loved ones is to send them an article that gives the advice that you’d like to give, but it comes from an expert with appropriate back-up research. You simply say, “I thought you’d find this article worthwhile. I found it very interesting.”
You have to be tactful when giving forthright advice to people who have not asked for your advice. For example, if you recommend to someone who is having trouble getting pregnant that she stop eating junk food, she may be offended. She will probably view you as being judgmental and intrusive rather than loving and concerned. She may also avoid you in the future not wanting to feel judged whenever she drinks a soft drink in front of you. Moreover, she’s unlikely to take your advice seriously because you are not a nutritionist or a fertility doctor.
So instead you might send her an email with one or two articles attached — not twenty-five — and a note saying, “I thought you might find this new research about fertility helpful and interesting.” You will sound less superior and disapproving. The article will have more authority and be more likely to get her attention.
If she resists the information, it may be best to drop it. While it is loving to try to help or enlighten people, once they are informed, it is best to allow them to make their own choices.
Too much pursuit comes off as neediness. This doesn’t mean that you should pretend not to care, but that you must resist the impulse to pursue her. People lose their attraction to those who are needy or dwell in self-pity. They may feel secure and taken care of by pursuers, but they tend to lose their desire for them.
Your girlfriend cannot develop desire for you unless you become more desirable. Realizing that a one-sided relationship is not sustainable should help you to gain the strength to focus on other endeavors.
Enjoy autonomy
The most effective way to attract your girlfriend back and develop a mutually fulfilling relationship is to develop your ability to enjoy being alone and with people other than your girlfriend. If you dwell on how much you want your her back, you will continue to feel desperate and miserable, and you will continue to push her away. On the other hand, if you demonstrate self-respect and autonomy, your feelings of dejection will decrease, and she will find that more appealing.
As difficult as it may be when you feel heart-broken, it’s important for you to do the things that keep you healthy and involved in life. Your health and vitality are likely to blossom if you eat well, exercise, sleep, perform well at work, listen to music, see friends, and pursue your favorite activities as well as new ones.
You will be more attractive to your girlfriend if you stand on your own and live a full life than if you mope around hoping she’ll come back to you.
Break away from the norm
One of the best ways to get relief from yearning for someone who is not excited to be with you is to take a trip or try some new endeavors. If you can’t get away for a week or two, go to new places for an evening or a weekend. Doing things that are novel focuses your attention on the here and now, preventing you from brooding and obsessing over someone. Volunteering and helping others also stop you from falling into a state of self-pity.
When your girlfriend sees that you are living your life and not pursuing her, she may be drawn to you again and start pursuing you! If not, then it is advisable that you move on and continue to build your life.
If she does decide to come back to you, it’s important that you take your time to explore how to establish a good balance in your life and avoid excessive pursuit of her. One person should not have exclusive power to call all the shots. You do not want to continue to be at the mercy of her whims. You will find that a moderate amount of your personal independence will enhance all your relationship with others.
