Category Archives: Personality Traits

Opposites attract:
“Can’t you ever stop and just sit down with me!”

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“Muwan” Mayan Collection by Mimi Stuart ©
Live the Life you Desire

Long-term intimate relationships bring out a person’s strengths and weaknesses and therefore can offer tremendous opportunities for growth.

Development of personality traits

People tend to develop certain personality traits and habits as a way to thrive in their childhood environment. People become introverts or extroverts, serious or fun-loving, accommodating or contrarian in response to a confluence of factors. The culture we are raised in, family structure and dynamics, critical events, and genetic disposition all contribute significantly to the way we behave. For example, we may navigate through life by blending in and not making waves, by withdrawing into books and our own imagination, or by being active and engaging the people around us.

Undeveloped traits

Our primary personality traits feel as though they are who we are. “I am quiet.” “I am outgoing.” But they are only part of who we are—the part of us that is the most highly developed, the most practiced, and the most ingrained in our neuro-network.

As a result of developing certain qualities, we generally tend to neglect opposing qualities. For example, an introvert feels comfortable alone but awkward at social events. An extrovert feels comfortable with people, but feels bored and empty when there’s no outside stimulation.

Usually, we feel satisfied with our personality traits until life somehow reminds us of how limited we are. Trauma, tragedy, life struggles, and falling in or out of love are the most common events that challenge us to become more whole and balanced human beings. These are often the turning points in our lives.

Polarization

It so happens that we often fall in love with someone who holds some of the qualities we have neglected or pushed aside. After the initial stage of falling in love, people often polarize, that is, they step back into the personality traits they feel comfortable with and accentuate those qualities in response to their partners’ opposing qualities.

For example, the introvert complains, “Can’t you ever stop having a good time and just sit down with me?” While the extrovert retorts “Why don’t you ever talk to new people?”
When your primary personality traits are attacked, you become entrenched in the defensive. Each drives the other into more extreme positions, causing a downward spiral in the relationship. Questioning turns into attacking. “You never go out!” says the extrovert. “You can’t sit still!” says the introvert.

Finding Balance

Given sufficient necessity or desire to evolve, people have an opportunity to mitigate their extreme natures, to avert the frustration and disappointment that so often follows the fire of a romantic or intriguing beginning triggered by the attraction of those opposites. Here are three keys to developing balance in oneself and in the relationship.

1. Develop the other side.

We have to consciously work on ourselves to become more balanced if that is desired. Without swinging to the opposite extreme, we should consciously develop the other side. Someone who is sweet and accommodating should start making the difficult phone calls rather than asking his or her partner to do so, e.g., dealing with the lawyers and accountants, or making the call to someone who has charged too much. Someone who is tough and direct can try to show some compassion.

2. Honor the other person’s differences.

We must appreciate, and not belittle, our partner’s opposing personality trait. Contempt simply puts the other person on the defensive. People are more likely to risk change when they feel support and love.

3. Lovingly encourage the other person’s attempts to develop new trait.

We can encourage, but not force or manipulate, our partner to develop the new trait. Encouragement works best when it is light-hearted and lacks emotional heat or pressure. It is also important not to criticize or make fun of our partner when he or she is attempting new skills.

by Alison Poulsen, PhD

Read “The Introvert and the Extrovert: ‘You always stay home!’”

Read “Enantiadromia: ‘It drives my partner crazy that I’m ‘too’ polite. I think he is too blunt.’”

Read “He tells me to stop being so emotional. Does he want me to be cold and unfeeling like him?”

Dreams and Nightmares:
“I had vivid dreams of my teeth falling out while the world was coming to an end.”

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"Roar" by Mimi Stuart ©
Live the Life you Desire

Dreams and nightmares often convey messages from the unconscious through images that have both archetypal and personal meaning to the dreamer. The more emotionally powerful or repetitive your dreams become, the more urgent is the message from the unconscious. As the degree of fear experienced in your dreams intensifies, it becomes increasingly critical to figure out what your unconscious is trying to tell you. What is it that is not working in your conscious life? What are you disowning or neglecting?

Dreams are often triggered by specific events occurring the day before the dream—events that may have gone unnoticed. It’s therefore helpful to ask oneself what happened the day before the nightmare. Did I stop myself from speaking up? Why did I lose my temper at the slightest provocation?

Look at the nuances in your dream, such as the specific people in it, the location of the dream, and sequence of events. The story of the dream can be viewed as a metaphor for what is going on in your psyche, with the different characters often representing different disowned aspects of yourself.

Dreams about teeth falling out:

Dreams about one’s teeth falling out are unpleasant and distressing. It’s a great relief to wake up from such a dream and find your teeth intact. Generally such dreams have to do with not being tough enough with others, not standing your ground, not being able to grit your teeth and say “no.” Baring one’s teeth is a symbol of aggression. Using your teeth to bite into food is key to taking in the nourishment you need. Even a bold smile requires the showing of teeth that are firmly in place. When your teeth fall out, there’s a loss of the strength needed for self-preservation. You have no bite, metaphorically speaking.

If this were my dream, I would ask myself how I might be experiencing loss, frustration, and impotence, or a lack of nourishment and sustenance. Am I unwilling to stand up for myself to obtain my needs, such as needed rest, respect, or support? I would consider how I could become more self-empowered.

Much of the meaning of a dream is found in the details. So it’s important to look at the setting of the dream. Other people or familiar locations may represent disowned parts of your personality. For instance, did your teeth start falling out right after you visited a house like the one your father used to live in? This could indicate that you lose your ability to stand up for yourself with people who may play a father figure in your current relationships or with people who might intimidate you.

Nightmares of the world ending:

Dreams of a natural catastrophe or the world ending should not be ignored. They often indicate that dramatic changes are occurring and that transformation of your psyche is necessary. When our way of being in the world is no longer working, our unconscious feels as though the world is ending. The dream uses images to symbolize the demise of the primary psychological structure. The old psychological framework isn’t working and is about to fall apart.

The more fear or terror you experience during the dream, the less control and peace of mind you have over the changes coming. When changes are thrust into our lives without our mindful awareness of what is going on, they can create illness, mayhem, or breakdown.

Yet, when we take notice of powerful dreams and listen to what our psyche needs, transitions in our lives will occur with less painful upheaval. Where there is an ending, there is also an opportunity to generate a new “world” by creating a more effective way of being in the world.

If this were my dream, I would ask myself how I could develop a more desirable way of relating to myself and others that would be more fulfilling to my soul. By figuring out what fundamental changes you need to make, you can foster positive growth with less turbulence and struggle. By taking the difficult steps of changing your patterned behavior, you can encourage the metamorphosis to occur with less pain and suffering.

Your dreams are telling you something. By paying attention to them you can turn peril into possibility.

by Alison Poulsen, PhD

Read “Inner Struggle: ‘I’m tired of giving in.’”

Read “Re-Visioning Psychology: ‘With all my psychological baggage, I feel like damaged goods.’”

Gossip: “What else did you hear?”

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"Cadence" by Mimi Stuart ©
Live the Life you Desire

Gossip is like overly salty food. We like the taste of salt, but too much of it overpowers other spices and the flavor of the food itself. We may be drawn to it, but too much can make us queasy.

Similarly, it’s human to be curious about the turn of events in other people’s lives. We imagine with wonder or trepidation what it would be like to be in their shoes when they fall in love, fall out of love, or get betrayed. How do people respond when their dreams or fears are actualized?

Excessive gossip reveals the gossiper’s deficient sense of self. The gossiper sensationalizes in an attempt to astonish people with intrigue, with the result that there’s no room for genuine understanding of the complexity of the people and situation involved. While the gossiper holds everyone’s attention for a moment, that moment is fleeting and rarely rewarding, regardless of the effort to embellish the story and prolong the gratifying moment of the listeners’ curiosity. A grain of salt turns brackish.

As compelling as intriguing rumors might be, too much scandal-mongering leaves everyone feeling un-nourished and nauseated.

How to handle gossip

We can handle gossip by moving the discussion away from the person being talked about or by changing the subject outright. Often, however, we can add depth and personal meaning to the subject by simply asking the right questions.

We can ask questions such as the following: “Have you ever experienced any kind of betrayal yourself? How would you want to handle it? Do you wish you had handled it differently?” Or “What is your greatest fear?” Or “How would you live your life if you had that much money?”

When people have to think about and expose their deeper desires and fears, they often become more sympathetic and circumspect and less judgmental. Thus, we can guide gossip — including our own — toward more meaningful conversation and greater connection.

Gossip is the art of saying nothing in a way that leaves practically nothing unsaid.

Walter Winchell

by Alison Poulsen, PhD

Watch “Distinguishing Harmless from Malicious Gossip.”

Watch “How To Respond To Malicious Gossip.”

Read “Four ways to handle gossip: ‘Oh no, I’m trapped by her gossiping again!’”

Read “Why People Gossip and How to Avoid it.”

“I want to enjoy life and not just think about money.”

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"Flow"
by Mimi Stuart ©
Live the Life you Desire

It is a false dichotomy to suggest that a person either enjoys life or thinks about money. It’s true that some people are more the accountant, organizing type, while some are the more romantic, impulsive type. Yet, as counter-intuitive as it seems, the more highly-developed your inner bookkeeper becomes, the more you can truly develop your inner romantic, and vice versa.

The key is to develop both of these parts within yourself—the wise and efficient financial planner and the romantic who knows how to live life to the fullest—and to be able delegate between the two.

Problems generally develop when people identify exclusively with one side or the other.

Visualize the one-sided accountant type with pursed lips and a furrowed brow, who buys a ski lift ticket, and then can’t stop second guessing the purchase and calculating the cost of each ski run rather than enjoying the skiing. The one-sided romantic type, on the other hand, shoves all bills in a drawer and, happy-go-lucky, ignores and forgets them until the day of reckoning. The first cannot enjoy the moment and the second is headed for a financial cliff.

When you build a house, different trades focus on particular specialties—the electrician on lighting, the plumber on plumbing and so on. What is critical is that there is a general contractor to coordinate it all.

Similarly, people need to schedule and coordinate their inner “trades.” By avoiding financial chaos and debt overload, you can create peace of mind to live life without having to fear an impending crisis. Here are some guidelines to find a balance between taking care of the future and enjoying the present:

1. Spend less than you earn. The worry about growing debt rarely is worth the things purchased on credit. Focus instead on all the free things that can create a fulfilling life.

2. Put money into savings first. Savings provide security and allow one the freedom to make transitions in life. For example, with adequate savings, you can handle losing your job or consider changing your job and save for retirement.

3. Pay bills at a scheduled time. If you pay your bills on a scheduled day every week, you take care of your business and alleviate the dread of dealing with bills and accumulated debt.

4. Take care of issues promptly when they’re small. When you can’t pay a bill or a bank statement seems to be wrong, deal with the problem immediately before it turns into an overwhelming predicament. By moving from dread to action, you minimize complications, extra fees, and your own psychological discomfort.

5. Once you’ve dealt with your finances, choose to enjoy life and the people around you. After dealing with bills and the budget, allow your inner accountant to recede into the background, and bring forward other parts of your personality to enjoy the present moment. Purposefully switch modes from being task-oriented, responsible, and bean counting to being in your body, connected to others, and appreciating the world around you.

We can never completely alleviate financial insecurity. Yet by thinking about money, finances and other practicalities at regular intervals, we actually free ourselves from thinking about money all the time, giving ourselves enough serenity from worry to enjoy life more fully.

by Alison Poulsen, PhD

Read “Avoidance Behavior: ‘I’ve been dreading telling her about our financial problems.’”

Read “Saving money: ‘I want to buy this now!’”

Read “Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs: ‘Since he lost his job, he doesn’t seem to care about our relationship.’”

“I just want to get away from it all.”

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"Magnificent Desolation" — Buzz Aldrin
by Mimi Stuart © Live the Life you Desire

A trip out of town can ease pressure and be re-invigorating. Yet an overpowering desire to get away from it all – driven by the pressures of everyday life – often indicates a failure to set adequate boundaries.

A strong desire to flee might signal that it is time to think about

• how you are giving too much of yourself,
• which people you’d like to say “no” to, and
• which projects you’d like to limit in your life.

A strong desire to flee might signal that it is time to determine

• what you need more of in your life, such as rest or enjoyment,
• which people you’d like to spend more time with, and
• what pursuits you’d like to add to your life.

Consider how to achieve these changes effectively, by

• expressing your choices to limit activities with clarity, tact, and consideration,
• taking the initiative to add desired people and pursuits into your life, and
• continuing to reassess and respect your own needs, desires, and comfort zone.

By tuning into feelings of irritation early and readjusting the choices you make, you are less likely to get fed up and want to run away from it all. Sometimes, however, a break is just what is needed to get revitalized and to contemplate in leisure the changes you would like to make in your life.

by Alison Poulsen, PhD

Read “Setting Boundaries.”