Category Archives: Parenting

“My teenager is selfish and rude! How did I raise a child like this?”

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"Just a Blur" — Franz Klammer by Mimi Stuart
Live the Life you Desire

Teenage rudeness is a normal attempt to separate from the parent. Teenagers respond to what they perceive as overly-involved behavior by pushing the parent away. A parent may not think he or she is overly involved, but teenagers are very sensitive to even the most minor hints and suggestions, often seeing them as controlling and manipulative. Sometimes feelings of being controlled are related to how strongly attached a child feels to the parent.

The basic conflict between teenagers and parents revolves around the parent’s desire to protect the child versus the teen’s desire for autonomy. On the one hand, parents want to make sure their children don’t get hurt and tend to take care of them as they did when they were younger. It is difficult to gradually let go and risk seeing your child make mistakes or get hurt.

On the other hand, children gradually become more autonomous and capable. They want and need to make more of their own decisions and mistakes — age-appropriately of course. This desire for autonomy, in addition to adolescent hormones and school and social pressures, causes them to react with strong emotions.

Rudeness is a rudimentary attempt to gain independence and demonstrates that the teenager feels fairly secure that the parent won’t become overly punitive — not a bad thing.

In contrast, in the presence of a cold or neglectful parent, teenagers may not feel so secure. Instead of feeling the need to separate, they might feel defeated in their longing for more togetherness.

When teenagers become rude, it may be a sign that the parent should become more detached. Detachment does not mean becoming overly permissive and it does not mean not caring. It means not getting overly-involved emotionally. A parent can be concerned and detached by eliminating reactivity and the appearance of urgency.

A parent needs to increasingly resist micro managing and hovering over a teen as a child grows up. While it’s important to be there for guidance, emergencies, and setting boundaries, parents should refrain from being reactive to the teenager’s intense emotions of outrage and grief. Rather than jumping in trying to solve their problems or, alternatively, trying to minimize their emotions, remaining calm will benefit the teen. If the teen is open to engagement, instead of hastily giving your opinion, ask questions, such as, “What do you think about the situation?”

In addition to becoming more detached, the parent can suggest more effective ways to criticize, withdraw, or ask for more independence. “Instead of slamming the door, just say that you need some time alone.” “Instead of rolling your eyes and saying, ‘What do you need to know that for?!’ just tell me that you’d rather not talk about it.” They may not say so, but they will appreciate your recognition of their need to set boundaries.

Overly strict expectations, with no room for the emotional inexperience of adolescence, will backfire. If you expect your teen to never roll her eyes at you or melt down after a bad day at school, you will find yourself criticizing and nagging constantly, and your teen will withdraw or rebel or take her behavior underground.

~Wendy Mogel, PhD, Author of “The Blessing of a B Minus”

by Alison Poulsen, PhD

Recommended Reading: “The Blessing of a B Minus” by Wendy Mogel, PhD

Read “Parenting to strictly: ‘Because I said so!'”

Read “Setting Boundaries.”

“Why do you always contradict me when I tell a story? Besides you’re wrong!”

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"Why not?" — Einstein by Mimi Stuart

Live the Life you Desire

So what I really meant was…

“Now don’t let the truth get in the way of a good story!”

People often like to correct their family members in the middle of their telling a story. Unless the correction is critical to the story and given respectfully, it usually just causes embarrassment and bickering.

So don’t get drawn in. Admit creativity, keep a sense of humor, and calmly continue the story.

by Alison Poulsen, PhD

Read “I can’t stand it when people talk over me.”

Parental Boasting for Self-Esteem:
“Honey, I was just telling the Jones how smart and athletic you are.”

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When parents boast about their children to other adults in front of their own children they generally have good intentions. While in some cases they are trying to look good themselves by showing off the successful results of their parenting, usually they want to make their children feel good and thereby enhance their self-esteem.

Ironically, the effect is the opposite. Children are natural detectors of in-authenticity, manipulation, exaggeration, and false praise. They sense when their parents are trying hard to boost their self-esteem. It tells them they think their self-esteem needs boosting. So they must be inadequate.

Kids, especially teenagers, don’t like their parents to talk about them. It’s annoying to them because it places unwanted expectations on them. They want to be separate and individual beings, not dreams and expectations of their parents. Nor do they like feeling that they have to be exceptional to be worthy. They want to be valued for their more subtle uniqueness, which they don’t want to have analyzed by their parents either.

Children develop self-esteem by being in an environment where they develop skills, contribute to others, and have some freedom to express their individuality. Self-esteem is developed when parents are able to set boundaries and have reasonable expectations of their children. (It’s helpful to remember that it’s natural for children to test boundaries and to act disrespectfully at times in order to create separateness.)

Instead of raving about your children’s talents in front of them, it’s better to develop a good relationship with them. This involves knowing when a child needs space or attention, that is, being there to provide support, warmth, and boundaries without being intrusive or meddlesome. What counts is developing mutual respect and being able to talk and listen to your children, not boasting about them.

by Alison Poulsen, PhD

Read “My son’s the best. He got straight A’s again and is the varsity basketball team captain.”

Read “Flattery and Bragging. ‘Meet my amazing friend who has two masters degrees, is CEO of a big company, and is an iron-man tri-athlete.'”

Comparing Children:
“What a mess! Why can’t you clean your room and do things right like your brother?”

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"The Wright Brothers" by Mimi Stuart
Live the Life you Desire

So what I really meant was…

“I’d like you to organize your room. Please clean it up before dinner. Do you need help getting started?”

It’s best to be direct with children, that is, firm and respectful, even when their idea of cleaning is “to sweep the room with a glance,” as Erma Bombeck would say.

Comparisons don’t motivate or inspire children. They only dishearten them and invoke sibling rivalry and jealousy.

The surest route to breeding jealousy is to compare. Since jealousy comes from feeling “less than” another, comparisons only fan the fires.

~Dorothee Corkville Briggs

by Alison Poulsen, PhD

Read “Don’t Blame: Who tracked all this mud into the house? How thoughtless!”

Guest Author Sam Vaknin:
“I Can Achieve and Do Anything If I Only Put My Mind to It.”

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"Finish Line" — Bruce Jenner by Mimi Stuart
Live the Life you Desire

From an early age we are taught (at least in the USA) that there is no limit to what we can achieve; that if we wish to accomplish something all we need to do is set ourselves goals and then apply ourselves to their attainment. With time and dedication, we are told, positive outcomes are guaranteed and ineluctable no matter how high we set the bar. There are no unrealistic aspirations — only insufficient perspiration and lacking inspiration!

This is a narcissistic and delusional narrative. It is counterproductive because in reality we do have limitations, we suffer defeats, and we make mistakes. No one is infallible, invincible, omnipotent, or omniscient.

But, exposed to this onslaught of propaganda, aimed at boosting our self-esteem and puffing up our self-confidence, when, inevitably, we fail in some of our endeavors — we tend to blame ourselves: “If only I had tried harder”, or “I am such a loser, a lazy good-for-nothing, I never get it right!”

Such inner sadistic voices tend to deplete our energy and discourage us from trying again. In hock to the official line that casts us as absolute masters of our own fate, we’d rather abstain than be proven wrong. By attributing failures to our failings, we become the reification of our own “bad fortune” or “indolence.” We give up on life’s challenges, engulfed by fatalism and defeatism.

Some of us choose another path: “If I botched and bungled it, surely I didn’t want it that badly” (a reaction known as “cognitive dissonance.”) This kind of self-deception is equally self-destructive. It teaches us that nothing really matters, everything is fun and games and should not be taken too seriously. Reality and personal history are what you make of them and are subject to re-writing, reframing, and outright confabulation.

How to avoid these pitfalls?

First, you should develop a realistic gauge of your fortes and weaknesses, talents and shortcomings, skills and limitations. Make a list of your own positive and negative traits. Ask others — family members, friends, co-workers, people who know you well — to commit to paper their observations: your good and bad sides. If they are reluctant to risk your ire find a way to allow them to submit their input anonymously.

Now, compare the lists: the one that you have generated with the ones others have provided. Are they largely in agreement? If they are, it means that you know yourself well and that you evaluate your capabilities or lack thereof courageously and objectively.

If, however, there is an abyss between the way you see yourself and the way others view you, something is wrong with your self-assessment.

Concentrate on the questionnaires of those who know you best, longest, and in a variety of situations. Single out their responses which conflict with yours. Proceed to grade these answers on a scale of 1 to 5 with 5 being “I completely agree.” Isolate those reactions and descriptions that you have rated most highly. Are you ready to change your mind about some issues? Do you recognize yourself in some of this feedback? Give yourself time to digest all this conflicting information. Think about it hard and long. Can you come up with incidents and events in the past which support your view — or theirs? Try to return to your list and re-do it in light of these new data.

This protracted inner dialogue is important. You are bound to emerge from it with a better, more functional appraisal of yourself. You will learn to set goals that are realistic are are unlikely to result in frustration and emotional pain. Getting acquainted with your limitations is the first step towards a balanced, mentally hale life. You and your nearest and dearest will benefit from it immensely.

by Sam Vaknin, PhD, the excellent author of “Malignant Self-love: Narcissism Revisited” and other books about personality disorders.

Watch Sam Vaknin’s video called “Narcissist’s Pathological Grandiosity.”