When your child (or anyone else) admits to doing something wrong, it is very tempting to be angry and say, “What did I tell you!” It is particularly hard to resist gloating when you’re dealing with a know-it-all teenager.
Yet being smug, furious, or self-righteous will not improve your relationship or help your child become honest and accountable. The reason children lie or hide things from their parents is because they want to avoid their parents’ anger, lectures, and reactivity. No one, not even an adult, can stand predictable lectures and sanctimonious criticism.
Moreover, children do not gain accountability and personal power in an atmosphere where the parties are fused, that is, where over-reaction and attempts to control are abundant, but real consequences rare.
Pause
If you want your children to be open and honest with you and to become self-empowered and accountable, then the first thing you should say when they confess to wrongdoing is “I’m glad you told me. What do you think you should do?/ How can I help?” Then it’s important to pause, giving them plenty of time to think and respond.
It may take a great deal of practice visualizing having enough patience to be able to say, “I’m glad you came to me/told me/have been honest with me,” and then to pause when your child admits to lying, drinking, or wrecking your car. But if you do so, they will often figure out what they must do to make things right and be accountable themselves.
Consequences
This is not to say that you shouldn’t have boundaries, rules and consequences. But the most effective way to enforce boundaries is by being reasonable, calm, and steadfast without exhibiting hysteria or rage. The more you lecture in an angry or pleading manner, or worse, for a lengthy period of time, the clearer it is that you are not in control. Your children will sense that, and they will not hear a word you say. Moreover, they won’t have a chance to develop their own reasonable sense of accountability. They are too busy shutting down or defending themselves against the barrage of attacks.
On the other hand, you encourage your child to be open and honest with you when you do not overreact. You encourage accountability and self-empowerment by imposing reasonable, “real world” consequences, and abiding by them. For instance, if they damage the car they should pay the insurance deductible and increased insurance costs. If they have no money, they should do more chores. Their use of the car should probably also be restricted for a period of time (until they can buy their own car?)
When the parent remains reasonable and understanding, while also imposing consequences, the child is more likely to develop his or her own moral compass, and not simply react to his or her annoying, tiresome, or hysterical parents.
Remember,
There is no person so severely punished, as those who subject themselves to the whip of their own remorse.
Teenagers generally experience a roller coaster of emotions, feeling superior and independent one moment, then discouraged and needy the next, resulting in mood swings that leave a parent as stunned and confused as the teenager. Frequently distracted, they may not hear their name being called. But if they purposely ignore you, it’s good to speak up: “Alexa, even if something’s bothering you, please acknowledge me when I talk to you.”
Irritability and testiness are understandable in teenagers; they are experiencing a lot of social pressures, academic stress, and increased hormone levels. Yet, any contempt in the form of verbal attacks has to be addressed with both seriousness and compassion. When anyone slams the door or makes remarks like “just go back to bed,” it’s time for you to establish boundaries. Teenagers usually feel worse about themselves when they are allowed to walk all over their parents. They actually feel more secure when they sense that their parents can express some inner strength.
While you do not want to be contemptuous yourself, it’s important to drop the sweetness and to express your personal power. Extending privileges or trying to buy friendliness when kids are behaving like this lowers their respect even more for you. You may want to say, “Don’t speak to me with a demeaning tone of voice. If something is wrong or you have a problem, you can tell me, but talk to me respectfully.”
Avoid in-your-face lecturing, which they will tune out, and avoid hostile withdrawal, which hurts them more than they let on. Instead, speak up and then withdraw a bit to give the teenager time to process. You can say something brief such as, “I know school is hard and you may have a lot going on, but it is not okay to treat me this way.”
It’s helpful to remember that you are role modeling the way you would like them to handle others who are rude. You want them to be effective. So you have to show a balance of respect, personal power, and compassion yourself. Be ready to be compassionate if they explain or become apologetic. Your goal is not to punish but to teach a more effective way of dealing with life’s difficulties.
Don’t expect behavior to permanently change after having a couple of conversations and meting out a few consequences. It’s normal for insolence to creep in again and again. It’s like teaching a small child to say “thank you” — you have to remind them a thousand times.
When parents realize that these moods are fleeting and when they can maintain some calm during the storms, the moodiness will eventually stabilize.
Donovan, 16 years old, is incapable of loving and, therefore, has never loved you, his mother (or, for that matter, anyone else, himself included) in his entire life. His natural capacity to love and to return love was all but eliminated by his horrid childhood. We practice loving first and foremost through our parents. If they fail us, if they turn out to be unpredictable, capricious, violent, unjust, this capacity is stunted forever. This is what happened to Donovan: the ideal figures of his childhood proved to be much less than ideal. Abuse is a very poor ground to breed healthy emotions in.
Granted, Donovan, being the brilliant and manipulative person that he is, knows how to perfectly simulate and emulate LOVE. He acts lovingly, but this is a mere act and it should not be confused with the real thing. Donovan shows love in order to achieve goals: money, a warm house, food on the table, adoration (Narcissistic Supply). Once these are available from other sources, the former ones are abandoned callously, cold-heartedly, cruelly and abruptly.
You have been such a temporary stopover for Donovan, the equivalent of a full board hotel (no chores, no requirements on his time). Not only was he able to secure his material needs from you, he also found in you a perfect Source of Narcissistic Supply: adoring, submissive, non-critical, wide-eyed, approving, admiring, the perfect narcissistic fix.
You describe a very disturbed young man with a clear NPD. He values intelligence above all, he uses foul language to vent his aggression (the narcissist resents his dependence on his Sources of Supply). The narcissist knows it all and best, is judgmental (without merit), hates all people (though he calls upon them if he needs something, he is never above exploiting and manipulation). When not in need, he does not contact his “friends”, not even his “girlfriend”. After all, emotions (“sensitivity”) are a deplorable weakness.
In the pursuit of narcissistic gratification, there is no place for hesitation or pause. You put it succinctly: he will do nothing for others, nothing matters to him if it is not for himself. As a result, he lets people down and refrains almost religiously from keeping promises and obligations.
The narcissist is above such mundane things as obligations undertaken. They counter his conviction that he is above any law, social or other, and this threatens his grandiosity.
The narcissist, being above reproach (Who is qualified to judge him, to teach him, to advise him?), inevitably reverts to blaming others for his misdeeds: they should have warned/reminded/alerted him. For instance: they should have woke him up if they desired his precious company and wanted him to keep a date.
The narcissist is above normal humans and their daily chores: he doesn’t think that he needs to attend classes (that others do. This is the unspoken continuation of this sentence). Other people should do so because they are inferior (stupid). This is the natural order of things, read Nietzsche. Most narcissists are predictable and, therefore, boring.
To love a narcissist is to love a reflection, not a real figure. Donovan is the most basic, primitive type: the somatic (or anal) narcissist, whose disorder is centred around his body, his skin, his hair, his dress, his food, his health. Some of these preoccupations attain a phobic aura (“freaky with germs”) and that is a bad sign.
Hypochondriasis could be the next mental step. But Donovan is in great danger. He should seek help immediately. His NPD, as is usually the case, has been and is still being compounded by other, more serious disorders. He is led down a path of no return. Donovan is constantly depressed. Maybe he has had few major depressive episodes but he is distinctly dysphoric (sad) and anhedonic (hates the world and finds pleasure in nothing). He alternates between hypersomnia (sleeping too much) and insomnia (not sleeping for two days). This is one of the surest signs of depression.
Narcissists suffer, by their nature, from an undulating sense of self-worth and from all-pervasive feelings of guilt and recrimination. They punish themselves: they dress in ragged clothes contrary to their primary predilections and they direct their pent up aggression at themselves. The result is depression.
Donovan also seems to suffer from a schizoid personality. These people prefer to stay and work in their rooms, in solitary confinement, chained to their computers and books, to any social encounter or diversion. They rarely possess sufficient trust in others and the requisite emotional baggage to develop stable interpersonal relationships. They are miserable failures at communicating and confine their interactions to first degree relatives.
The total picture is that of a young person suffering from a Borderline Personality Disorder with strong narcissistic and schizoid hues. His reckless and self-destructive spending and his eating irregularities point in this direction. So does the inappropriate affect (for instance, smiling while pretending to shoot people). Donovan is a menace above all to himself.
Borderline patients entertain suicide thoughts (they have suicidal ideation) and tend finally to act upon them. This aggression can perhaps be directed elsewhere and result in catastrophic consequences. But, at best, Donovan will continue to make people around him miserable.
Treatment, psychoanalysis and other psychodynamic therapies included, is not very effective. My advice to you is to immediately stop your “unconditional love”. Narcissists sense blood where others see only love and altruism. If, for masochistic reasons, you still wish to engage this young person, my advice to you would be to condition your love. Sign a contract with him: you want my adoration, admiration, approval, warmth, you want my home and money available to you as an insurance policy? If you do, these are my conditions. And if he says that he doesn’t want to have anything to do with you anymore, count your blessings and let go.
Even with the best of intentions, when you parent in reaction to your own parents, you often go too far to the opposite extreme.
People with negligent parents often want to make sure their children know they love them or try to become close friends with them, and as a result they may become overly-indulgent. People with smothering parents want to give their children space, but in doing so, may become too laissez-faire and disconnected. People with strict parents often want to allow their children the freedom they never had, and as a result, may become overly-permissive. People who grew up in chaos may want to provide their children structure and boundaries for their protection, protection they never had, but sometimes go overboard in enforcing too many rules.
When you’re trying to make up for what you didn’t receive as a child, you often unknowingly go too far in the other direction, with some unexpected results. The most painful consequence is that the children don’t appreciate the very thing you’re trying so hard to offer them—that which you did not receive.
Extreme styles of parenting generally work only for the short-term and have unintended consequences.
Children with highly authoritarian parents will be obedient. Yet, they tend to develop a strong inner critic and hide things from their parents.
Children with indulgent parents will be pleased to get whatever they want. However, they may not develop much self-discipline or the ability to delay gratification, which can lead to a lack of motivation.
Children with emotionally-distant parents often become independent, but at the cost of having difficulty sharing what’s in their heart and developing close, interpersonal relationships.
Children with controlling or smothering parents often become rebellious or resentful, hiding their real feelings and thoughts.
It’s best to aim for balance and moderation. Strict parenting in moderation provides secure structure. Indulgence in moderation teaches compassion. Control in moderation offers necessary guidance. Negligence in appropriate moderation allows a child to develop independence and learn from experience.
If you look back how your own parents brought you up, it’s likely that they were either emulating their parents or reacting to their parents. It’s easy to adapt an extreme position—letting your children do whatever they want to, or telling them, “Do it because I said so!” A more difficult but satisfying way to parent is to make small meaningful changes from your parents and to seek a wholesome balance.
Parental neglect or abuse can cause a child to toughen up, but often at the expense of the child shutting down feelings of empathy and love as well. Some parents never apologize to their children or admit to themselves that their actions have any impact on their kids, even if they knowingly mistreat or neglect them. Others cater to their children’s every whim causing them to become dependent and entitled.
Parents clearly have an impact on their children, but not every mistake they make has a profound negative effect on them. Children are very resilient.
It appears that the best parents are those who are conscientious about avoiding the extremes, but without being overly concerned about being perfect. There’s no way to avoid making mistakes. In fact, it turns out to be good for children if their parents make some mistakes, especially if they acknowledge the more significant mistakes.
Child psychologist Donald Winnicott coined the phrase “good-enough mothering,” which means that ordinary caring of a child by a devoted parent is healthiest for the child. Children who as infants were picked up and held when they were in distress thrive. Yet, some parental “mistakes” including moderate anger, mild neglect, and delays in response enable children to learn that they can handle the anxiety that accompanies uncertainty and difficulties in life.
Ideally, children learn to handle frustration and stress in their lives gradually. Obviously, infants need much more immediate love, care, and attention than older children. For example, while it’s all right to let a baby wait briefly before responding to his or her crying, teenagers should be able to handle waiting much longer to have their needs responded to.
Later in life, a person who has developed resiliency without losing access to feelings can handle people who are difficult, controlling, or unreliable with the confidence that comes with the ability to handle stress.
All children experience some pain as a result of their parents’ anger, lack of care, and other imperfections. Those experiences are in part what makes them capable of surviving in a world that is not a bed of roses. If we’re too careful as parents, children don’t learn to deal with life’s difficulties on their own. A little stress can be a good thing.
