Category Archives: Parenting

“Whenever my sister comes over, she stirs up the kids, gives them candy, and then they’re impossible to calm down for bed.”

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"Sweet Dreams" by Mimi Stuart
Live the Life you Desire

Candy is the quintessential instant gratification for a child. Someone who plays with kids and gives them sweets is someone who wants to be liked.

To motivate someone who wants to be liked, it’s best not to be disapproving. Rather than getting mad at your sister, enlist her help.

Tell her how hard it is when the kids get roused before bedtime. Talk to her about the candy before she comes over. “Hey, it’s thoughtful of you to think of the kids and bring them something they like. But sweets make them hyperactive. If you really want to bring something, please make sure it doesn’t have sugar in it.”

Ask if she would help you keep the atmosphere calm when she comes over in the evening. You could let her know that it would be helpful to play tranquil games or read to the kids to quiet them down before getting a good night sleep and sweet dreams. (Better than diabetic nightmares!)

If that doesn’t work, limit her visits to the daytime. You can be honest if you are kind-hearted about it. “You are so much fun that it gets the kids too excited before bedtime. It makes it really difficult for us to get them to bed. So afternoon visits would work better.”

by Alison Poulsen, PhD

Read “Helpful vs. Intrusive.”

Helpful vs. Intrusive:
“Stay away from my child, I don’t want you to help her and then say bad things about me!”

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"Off-Road Rumble" Juliana Furtado by Mimi Stuart
Live the Life you Desire

Helpful people are usually well-intentioned, sympathetic, and aware of the needs of others. They take pride in and draw strength from their ability to comfort and nurture others and are able to do so with ease.

Being helpful can be a wonderful quality. However, when the need to contribute becomes over-reaching, it becomes unhealthy and intrusive. A strong desire to help often arises from a need to feel needed in order to feel worthwhile. Wanting to be needed sometimes leads a person to become overly-involved, meddling, and manipulative in other people’s lives.

This relationship became unhealthy when an attempt was made to create an alliance with your daughter by weakening her relationship with you. This undermines your relationship with your daughter and causes more suffering rather than helping your family.

It’s important to insist on boundaries for you and your daughter. The most effective and compassionate way to do so would be to acknowledge the adult’s desire to be helpful, and then to clearly state what you want.

You might say, “I appreciate your desire to help my daughter. But when you say negative things about me, that hurts us both. We need to work things out in our own way. So for the time being, it would be most helpful if you gave her some space. Please don’t discuss me or our lives with her.”

You might also tell your child that when people try to establish a connection by demeaning someone else, everyone suffers. Tell her that if this occurs again, she can say, “It makes me uncomfortable when you say negative things about my mom. You better talk to her directly.”

by Alison Poulsen, PhD

Read “Stop complaining about me to my child.”

“I’ve told you kids a thousand times to say “Thank you, #!*%*!!”

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"The Blue Bird's Song" by Mimi Stuart
Live the Life you Desire

Kids need to be reminded thousands of times to say “Please” and “Thank you.” The fact that they don’t remember does not mean that they are obtuse or rude. It’s simply a steep learning curve to say these extra words when the very same parents excitedly gave them exactly what they wanted when they cried as infants or demanded something as toddlers.

Children feel more and more entitled when their parents don’t require enough of them. Yet, getting angry at even the rudest children will not help them remember to be polite. We have to keep reminding kids to be polite without harshly demanding, “Say “Thank you #!*%*!!”

Brain wiring requires constant repetition as well as appropriate consequences. Holding back the dessert or dinner for a moment and saying, “Show a little appreciation” or “Say ‘Thank you'” with a smile helps remind them. Give them what they want only once they say “Please.” So, when they say, “Can I have another cookie?” you could simply pause and raise your eyebrows quizzically until they add, “Please.”

Also keep letting them know that when they are thankful, it makes you WANT to cook for them, drive them to town, and help them with their homework again.

Developing gratitude in children increases their awareness of other people. Rather than remaining like infants where the world revolves around them, they start recognizing the effort that others make to improve their lives. This in turn makes them able to connect with others from a less egocentric standpoint, and allows them to lead happier, more meaningful lives.

by Alison Poulsen, PhD

Read “Over-mothering.”

“My son’s the best: he got straight A’s again and is the basketball team captain!”

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"Sacred" Einstein by Mimi Stuart
Live the Life you Desire

It’s fine to express your pride in your kids with your family and close friends. But telling other people about their many successes can be annoying, uninteresting, or cause others to doubt their own parenting skills.

We’re all happy when our children succeed, but too much emphasis on their successes could indicate that our own identity is tied too closely to their achievements. That’s not to say that their achievements shouldn’t be enjoyed, but beware of seeking confirmation for your own value through being the parent of a “successful” kid.

Also beware of letting your children hear you bragging about them too much. Sometimes we think accolades will boost a child’s self-esteem. But excessive praise sends the message that the child’s accomplishments are all that matter.

Too much emphasis on achievement can have the effect of minimizing other worthy qualities, such as kindness, effort, and a sense of humor. It may be preferable to recognize a child’s effort and compassion rather than praising results only.

Often it is better to relate to our children without constantly judging them, either positively or negatively.

Rather than comparing our children to Einstein, both parents and children can be inspired by Einstein’s wise words: “The life of the individual has meaning only insofar as it aids in making the life of [other] living things nobler and more beautiful.”

by Alison Poulsen, PhD

Read “Encouraging Effort in your Children.”