Category Archives: Parenting

Why Threats Backfire:
“If you touch my computer again, you’ll be grounded for a week!!”

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"Camminando" by Mimi Stuart
Live the Life you Desire

Yelling and anger have their place if you want to get someone’s attention in an emergency, a crisis, or for self-defense. Yet, it turns out that the more dramatic the anger and threats of punishment are, the more likely that they will backfire in the long-run.

Stunning research shows that in the short-term, anger and threats work just as effectively as calm requests to get children to refrain from certain undesirable behavior. HOWEVER, in the long-term, studies show that 77% of the kids who were given angry threats would go on to engage in the forbidden behavior, whereas just a a third of the kids who were calmly asked to refrain from the behavior would try the behavior later.

The strong emotions connected with a threat decrease a person’s ability to think clearly. Neurologists think that when the adult makes powerful threats, the child unconsciously concludes, “If someone is using all that effort to stop me from doing that, it must really be something I really want to do.” The heated threat actually creates in the child a strong desire to do the very thing you find undesirable.

So it is better to ask the child in a calm and reasonable manner not to do something. If they ask “Why not?” it’s best to ask them to work out possible reasons. You are likely to get a much better long term response.

by Alison Poulsen, PhD

Reference: Richard Wiseman, Author of “59 Seconds: Think a little, Change a lot.”

Narcissism Part 3 (of 5): “You are the smartest kid ever!” Avoid raising narcissistic children.

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"Olympic Adonis" Michael Phelps by Mimi Stuart
Live the Life you Desire

Children who grow up to be narcissistic adults seek praise as addicts seek their drug of choice—in increasing quantities from anyone who will give it to them. Neglect, abuse, harsh criticism, and erratic or exaggerated praise can lead children to feel unloved for being who they are. To avoid raising a narcissist, a parent needs to be present, empathetic, accepting, and consistently responsive to the young child’s needs.

1. Presence

We can be busy most of the day but it’s important to take some time every day to simply enjoy your young child. When you have a child on your lap while talking on the phone, you’re not present to the child. The mental/emotional presence is the important factor, even for an infant. Ultimately, spending time and playing with a child is one of the most fulfilling things we can do.

2. Empathy

Showing empathy when children express their feelings and ideas allows them to develop empathy for themselves, and eventually for others as well. Parents shouldn’t deny, downplay, or redirect their children’s feelings. Nor should they overreact when children disagree or share experiences. Otherwise, they will develop shame and learn to hide their opinions and experiences in the future.

3. Consistently responsive to the child’s needs

Parents should become aware of ways in which they project their own needs for status or convenience onto their children. By becoming aware of our own biases and desires, we can become more open to really listening to what the child needs and desires. This doesn’t mean becoming an indulgent parent; it simply means being open to the fact that our children are distinct individuals. So, rather than projecting on them our own desires that they become football quarterbacks or Olympic stars, we can allow them to develop their own direction.

4. Acceptance

Accepting children means interacting with them without constantly judging them positively or negatively. When we play referee with regard to every action they take, we miss out on really knowing and loving our children.

Excessive praise often causes kids to secretly fear being found out that they are not really as talented or smart as thought. The child may also hyper-inflate the importance of the attributes praised, while neglecting or concealing other perceived weaknesses.

While parents have to have expectations and give guidance, children should not be made to feel that they can’t do anything right. Criticism is much more effective when it’s constructive and given in reasonably small doses.

No parent is perfect. But if, for the most part, we can provide guidance while be accepting of our children, they are likely to become compassionate, authentic, and self-reflective adults.

by Alison Poulsen, PhD

Read Narcissism Part 4: Celebrity, Power, and Prestige.

References: “Encyclopedia of Mental Disorders.”

“You think I’m too indulgent with the kids? Well, I don’t want to be a dictator like you!”

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"Burning the Ice" Dan Jansen by Mimi Stuart
Live the Life you Desire

Parents often disagree on how to raise their children, which can easily turn into a running battle of wills. In most cases, one parent is more permissive, warm, and accommodating, while the other is more authoritarian, strict, and rule-oriented.

For instance, one parent wants to let the children eat whenever and whatever they want, while the other has specific rules about when and what they should eat. Usually a middle ground is appropriate. But even the slightest difference in the middle ground can cause conflict between parents.

Without appreciating what the other parent is trying to accomplish, discussion can easily turn into a vitriolic argument. The best way to approach the other parent is by truly understanding and validating the values at the core of his or her parenting style. When we sincerely validate other people’s values, they are more likely to be open up to our ideas.

Authoritarian parents want their children to develop self-discipline and perseverance, qualities needed to make it in the world. Permissive parents desire that their children experience acceptance, happiness, and freedom.

BOTH sets of core values are important for a child’s healthy development; yet, each parenting style in the extreme is detrimental. When we integrate both sets of values and reflect on them from time to time to avoid extremes, wild fluctuations between lenience and severity toward the children diminish.

So if an authoritarian parent says in a stern voice to the child, “Eat your broccoli!” the other spouse could say to the authoriatarian parent later in private, “I agree that it’s important that the child eat vegetables instead of junk food. It’s important for me, and I think, more effective to use a kind, or at least respectful, rather than commanding tone of voice.”

On the other hand, a permissive parent might give in to a surly child’s demand: “I’m not eating this health food for dinner. I’m going to have fruit loops!” The other parent could then respond to the permissive parent later in private with something like, “I know you want to give our children freedom. But they also need to develop healthy eating habits, and to avoid becoming too picky and over-indulged. Let’s give them fewer choices and no choice at all when they speak disrespectfully.”

No two people will ever agree exactly on how to parent, and that’s all right. In the real world our kids will have to adapt to many different people’s expectations and attitudes. Having discussions, being flexible, yet, accepting differences in parenting style from your spouse will benefit both the couple’s relationships and the kids’ development.

by Alison Poulsen, PhD

Watch “Authoritarian vs. Permissive Parenting.”

Read “Over-mothering.”

Read “Parenting Together.”

“Can’t you see that I’m busy!”

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"Love me do!" by Mimi Stuart
Live the Life you Desire

So what I really meant was…
“I’d love to talk to you. Just give me 15 minutes to finish this project/write this letter/make a phone call.”

Or…

“I have some work to finish, but I do have a few minutes for you. What’s on your mind?”

by Alison Poulsen, PhD