Category Archives: Parenting

Children who beg and argue:
“I’ve told you sixteen times that you can’t see that R-rated movie!”

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"Angel Roar" — Blue Angels by Mimi Stuart ©
Live the Life you Desire

Children who repeatedly beg and argue often have parents who respond by begging and arguing back.

While children will respect parents who are flexible in matters that warrant flexibility, you need to be firm when you are sure about a given rule, like not seeing R- rated movies. There’s no need to be mean or threatening when being firm. In fact, you can show a little compassion or give a brief explanation as to your thinking. “Sorry, but no R – rated movies. I believe that level of violence/sexuality/language is inappropriate for you.”

But beware of too much compassion, too much explanation, and never plead, all of which convey a lack of authority on your part. Don’t yell or lose control either, which also show a lack of personal power.

If they continue to badger you, say, “You heard me. I’m not changing my mind. Please don’t ask again.” If they continue, find an appropriate consequence and do not hesitate to use it. “This complaining is excessive. Let’s see a movie another night.”

It can be helpful to remind them that it would be easy for you to let them do whatever they wanted, but that you care too much about them. You want them to develop into independent, self-sufficient, and self-empowered adults who can make appropriate decisions.

by Alison Poulsen, PhD

Read “Over-mothering: “It’s hard for me to be firm with my child, because he’s very sensitive.””

Don’t Blame:
“WHO tracked all this mud into the house?! How thoughtless!”

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"Sergio's Shoe" by Mimi Stuart
Live the Life you Desire

Being able to speak up and ask people to do things differently and to ask for help without blaming is absolutely key to improving day-to-day life and relationships.

Assigning blame does not fix the wrong or prevent it from happening in the future. It only causes people to feel defensive.

Focus on cleaning up, not on WHO made a mistake. When people know you are not going to blame them, they will feel better about helping.

Ask for help in an upbeat way. For example, “I’d love to get some help cleaning up this mud.” Or: “It doesn’t matter who did this. It matters who will help fix it!” Or: “Who will help me put this right?”

People prefer to get praised for doing the right thing than chastised for mistakes. They’ll eventually learn.

In dealing with children specifically, you can ask how it can be avoided next time. It seems to help when they make the observation themselves, and they usually know the answer.

Don’t quiz an adult, however. You don’t want to get in a parent/child relationship with an adult. It’s better to simply ask for help.

If you don’t speak up at all, you’ll become resentful and you’ll be dealing with a lot of mud in the house, and other things that annoy you.

by Alison Poulsen, PhD

Read “Why Threats Backfire.”

“No, you really should not have a second ice cream. Is that okay honey?”

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"Fine" by Mimi Stuart
Live the Life you Desire

While we don’t need to be severe when we say “no” to our kids, being afraid to disappoint them can cause more harm than good. Ending a sentence with a question mark such as “is that okay, honey?” shows your kids that what matters to you most is that they like you, not that you parent them well.

Not only does your need to be liked give your children power over you, it also makes them feel insecure, because they sense your insecurity. A parent’s inability to set boundaries with ease can lead the children to become tyrants and/or pushovers themselves.

Children need to learn how to be firm and kind at the same time. They learn this by their parents’ example. Simply say in a matter of fact way, “Ice cream is a treat. One is enough.” Finish. No question mark and no hoping that they like your answer.

Ironically, they will like you more if you stop trying to please them, and instead demonstrate how to set boundaries and practice self-discipline in an effortless way.

by Alison Poulsen, PhD

Read “Sure honey, I’ll buy you those toys.”

Read “Permissive vs. Authoritarian Parenting.”

“Sure honey, I’ll buy you that toy.”

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"Future" — Einstein by Mimi Stuart
Live the Life you Desire

So what I really meant was…

“If you really want it, you can buy it with your own money/allowance. Why don’t you think about it for a couple of days and see if you still want it.”

by Alison Poulsen, PhD

Read “I feel terrible about not being able to buy my kids what all their friends have.”

Dealing with entitled teenagers: “With your attitude of entitlement, you are going to be a failure.”

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"Threshold to the Future" by Mimi Stuart
Live the Life you Desire

Judgment and attacks rarely help people improve their attitude. It’s human nature to stop listening when being criticized (teens in particular). Discussing cause and effect is more compelling than fear-mongering.

You might capture their attention by starting out with your positive motivation. Then you’ll be more effective by explaining how an attitude of entitlement hurts a person in life.

For instance, “I care about your future happiness and self-empowerment. My concern is that you will suffer a lot of disappointment if you appear entitled by not contributing to those around you. People respect those who make an effort to show initiative and appreciation for others’ efforts. A willingness to participate fosters good working relationships in life and leads to personal power.”

When others sense that your concern is for their welfare AND that you are not attacking or trying to control them, they are more likely to listen and take your message to heart.

by Alison Poulsen, PhD

Read “I’ve told you kids a thousand times to say ‘Thank you#!*%*!!'”