Category Archives: Parenting

Asperger’s Syndrome: “Look me in the eye when I talk to you!”

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"Cosmos Background" by Mimi Stuart
Live the Life you Desire

In our Western culture we look people in the eye to show respect. However, this simple gesture is not an easy one for people with Asperger’s Syndrome, a low-level type of autism.

Children with Asperger’s typically have normal language and intellectual development. They may have large vocabularies and a fine ability to organize and understand material objects.

Yet, they avoid eye contact during conversations because visual interference is distracting to them.

Most people can internally mirror facial expressions and tone of voice to improve their understanding of what a speaker intends to communicate. For someone with Asperger’s, however, mirroring—or reading emotional states—is difficult. They have difficulty reading people’s feelings through body language and facial expressions and may not recognize subtle differences in speech tone that alter the meaning of others’ speech. Thus, they often tend to miss social cues.

Yet, like most people, a person with Asperger’s wants to be liked and to have friends. When they feel rejected for being odd and lacking the ability to connect easily, they feel alone and hurt.

So when you see a child or an adult who doesn’t look you in the eye, don’t assume they are being disrespectful. Be compassionate and imagine being in their shoes.

Even if a child does not have Asperger’s, but is simply shy or thinking about other things, the effect of demanding that he or she look at you only increases the child’s desire to withdraw. It’s better to kindly explain to the child that it’s helpful in this culture to occasionally glance at people in a conversation because it generally signifies respect. After that, kindness and acceptance are the best way to relate to those with Asperger’s as well as those who are merely shy.

by Alison Poulsen, PhD

Reference: John Elder Robison’s “Look me in the eye: my life with Asperger’s.”

Read “Dont Blame: ‘Who tracked all this mud into the house?'”

“My child is so disrespectful.”

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"Pasqua Pink" by Mimi Stuart
Live the Life you Desire

Raising children to become capable and compassionate adults requires teaching them respect and a feeling of good will.

1. Respect means having regard for someone’s feelings and rights. Teaching children to be respectful requires both being respectful to them and specifically pointing out when and how they could be more respectful to you. This means speaking and being spoken to without a demeaning, contemptuous or condescending tone of voice.

2. Good will means desiring what’s good for another person. Good will should not lead a parent to give children whatever they want. What’s good for children in the long-term may not be what’s most gratifying in the moment.

Ideally, parents can be friendly and respectful, yet, at the same time keep in mind what is best for the child in the long run. Reminding children to treat parents and others with respect and good will is crucial in preparing them for life and for having fulfilling relationships as adults.

When your child is rude, it’s best to be direct and say, “that tone of voice sounds rude and doesn’t make me or others feel good. A more positive tone of voice is much more effective in getting what you want and making people want to be with you.” Make sure you don’t give the child what he or she wants unless they use a respectful, friendly tone of voice.

by Alison Poulsen, PhD

Read “I’ve told you kids a thousand times to say ‘thank you.'”

“You really need to eat more. Come on, eat!”

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"Banana Jungle" by Mimi Stuart
Live the Life you Desire

How would you feel if people were pushing you to eat more? You probably would not feel like eating, even if you were hungry.

A simple example of family projection is the parent who pushes food on a child, causing the child to reject the manipulation and the food. Pressuring a child to eat results in the child responding to manipulation rather than to actual hunger.

Children go through phases of eating a lot and not eating very much. They tend to eat what they need, as long as you provide healthy meals at regular mealtimes, and don’t show excessive interest in how much they eat and in how they look. If there is an eating disorder, however, then it’s best to get professional help.

Generally, though, a parent who offers food only once, and does not get controlling or emotionally involved in what the child eats, will find that the child will eat when he or she is hungry — unless the food is ice cream!

As a child my family’s menu consisted of two choices: take it or leave it.

~Buddy Hackett

by Alison Poulsen, PhD

Read “No, you really should not have a second ice cream. Is that okay honey?”

Guest Author Ross Goldstein, PhD:
“My 12 year old son says he wants to quit his soccer team. I’m afraid that if I let him quit I will be sending the wrong message.”

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"Wild Ride" by Mimi Stuart
Live the Life you Desire

What exactly is the message that you fear sending? “It’s ok to quit something that you no longer want to do?” It sounds like you are afraid that you are setting the template for how your child will deal with bumps in the road later in life.

You aren’t alone with that fear. Most parents wonder what the boundaries are between encouragement and pushing, between discipline and permissiveness.

First of all, the situation you are facing is a common one, particularly when children reach adolescence. Some of their organized activities, sports, arts, theatre, and others, just don’t push their buttons anymore. It could be that they never were all that interested, or maybe other interests are taking precedence. Kids only have so much bandwidth.

Either way, the first thing you can do is to find out why your child wants to quit the team. Is it that the coach is critical? Or no playing time? Or is it just not fun anymore? The reason matters and you need to first find out what it is before you worry that you are scarring your child for life. Often, once a child has identified and articulated the itch they are trying to scratch by quitting (and you are the sounding board for that, so be patient.) they can make their own decision about what to do.

A good rule of thumb in these matters is this; a nudge is ok, a push is too much. Listening and guiding isn’t being overly permissive. It is the foundation of a strong parent–child relationship.

by Ross E. Goldstein, Ph.D. — psychologist and author of Chain Reaction, a novel that tells the story of a young man’s struggle to find himself and love, set in the world of professional cycling. You can contact Ross at his website, Chainreactionnovel.com.

Parenting too Strictly:
“Because I said so!”

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"Mysterious" by Mimi Stuart
Live the Life you Desire

Parents who use dominance and threats without explanation to get their children to do what they want will probably succeed. Fear works – but only in the short-term.

However, there are several long-term negative results that often occur:

1. The children lose respect for their parents.

2. They learn to hide things from their parents and will not bring up questions or problems for discussion as they know that their parents are not willing to engage in a dialogue, preferring black-and-white direction and instructions.

3. They do not learn critical thinking, which involves looking at the pros and cons in a given situation. Nor do they learn to think with complexity about the mysteries of the world.

4. They may become victims of other domineering people, such as controlling spouses, employers, and social groups. Peer pressure also becomes a problem with kids who are strictly controlled.

While it takes more effort to have a reasonable discussion with reasonable explanations, it helps your children develop thinking skills of their own.

Beware, however, of the other extreme of explaining too much. Parents cannot expect their children to be happy with every rule or task they are asked to do. Children are unlikely to jump with joy and say, “Yes, I’d love to clean the kitchen!”

Yet, with respectful discussion, their spirits won’t be suppressed, and their thinking won’t be stifled. In the end they will respect you more for it.

by Alison Poulsen, PhD

Watch “Authoritative vs. Permissive Parenting.”