Category Archives: Parenting

Five problems with being too helpful

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“Light” by Mimi Stuart© Live the Life you Desire

People who help others too much often don’t stop until they become exhausted or ill. This can become burdensome, and ironically, it’s not very helpful to the people in their lives over the long-term.

Being helpful to others is a wonderful trait if it’s practiced in moderation and when appropriate. There are five problems to watch out for when your primary focus is on meeting other people’s needs.

Five Problems

1. You neglect your own needs and feelings, and end up exhausted or ill.

2. You become resentful—even though you enjoy helping—because you bend over backwards for other people too much.

3. By putting others first, you may unwittingly deprive them of their own autonomy, which can lead to your becoming a burden to them—the last thing that you intended. Helping others too much can create an unintended obligation to reciprocate, which can lead to codependence, and can stifle the fun and joy in a relationship.

4. Although others may appreciate or even take advantage of your help, they will often prefer spending time with someone who takes care of their own needs first and doesn’t give unsolicited advice and help.

5. Some super-helpful personalities might be surprised to learn that their acts of rewarding or pampering loved ones may be taken as an insult to their capabilities or an intrusion into their personal space. The receiver of help may develop resentment because there’s an unintended implication that he or she is incompetent.

Best Approach

Excessively self-sacrificing people can improve their lives and the lives of those around them by learning to acknowledge and respect their own needs first. When you feel compelled to offer someone a glass of water, consider whether you may actually be the one who is thirsty. Then take a moment to sense whether others are the types who would rather get water for themselves. If so, notice whether you can simply “be” without being of service to someone else.

Truly being of service is a beautiful way to bring light to people’s lives, particularly when it is done while honoring yourself and observing whether others would appreciate the help.

by Alison Poulsen, PhD

Read “Helpful vs. Intrusive.”

Competitive Parenting between Parents and 5 Negative Consequences

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“If I weren’t a physicist” Einstein by Mimi Stuart©

Does it feel as though your partner is often trying to prove that he or she is a better parent than you by saying things that imply, “The kids like me more.” “I understand our child better than you.” “I’m more involved than you.”

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Childhood Impairment: The Family Projection Process— “What are we going to do about our child?”

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“Ritornello” by Mimi Stuart ©
Live the Life you Desire

Some couples deal with their own chronic anxiety by focusing on one of their children. The family projection process, as Psychologist Murray Bowen called it, develops unintentionally.

A couple concentrates their attention on a child with a learning disability, asthma, or any disability—real or perceived. By focusing on the child, they neglect something else in their life, such as facing their own wounds or marital problems. Over time the child senses how important it is to accept and even foster this attention, to avoid the alternative, as for example, the underlying tension of an increasingly-afflicted marriage.

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How to Give a Great Compliment

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“The Sound of Purple Rain” Mimi Stuart ©

While it’s nice to say, “You’re terrific” or “You’re so smart,” there are much better, more meaningful ways to compliment a person.

A Great Compliment

A great compliment, like good communication, is both specific and personal. The compliment praises the individual for a particular characteristic, act or behavior, and it highlights the effect it has on oneself or others.

Examples of Great Compliments

For example, “When I see you walk into the room, my heart lights up and I feel lucky to know you.”

“The way you handle hardship with tenacity, courage and a good attitude has inspired me to try to do the same during these difficult times.”

“Your way with words makes even the most ordinary conversation interesting and enjoyable.”

“Your beaming smile is contagious and makes me feel happy.”

“I admire how you see the bigger picture and understand nuanced and multiple viewpoints in a world where people are often too one-sided.”

“Your painting brings to life the joy and beauty in the melancholy of rain.”

Another example of a great compliment is from the movie “As good as it gets,” where Melvyn, played by Jack Nicholson, concludes his oblique compliment by saying, “You make me want to be a better man.”

Compliments that are specific and personal can’t help but make someone feel good.

by Alison Poulsen, PhD

Still seeking approval and appreciation despite accomplishments.

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"Bicicletas para Alquilar" by Mimi Stuart © Live the Life you Desire

“Bicicletas para Alquilar” by Mimi Stuart ©
Live the Life you Desire

In the presence of close family members we often revert back to the way we were when we were children. We may still crave approval that we feel we never received. Siblings may easily trigger us.

The trouble with seeking approval is threefold

1. The approval we seek may be sought from someone who is incapable of giving it.

2. The more we yearn for that outside approval, the less likely we are to receive it. Often people who are reluctant to give approval are negatively triggered by those who yearn for it.

3. By the time we are adults, the disapproval we sense has become internalized. Therefore, we have to generate the approval we seek within ourselves rather than seeking it from others.

Even if your father finally sees the light and says, “You are amazing! I am so proud of you,” you will probably not feel that magical feeling of self-worth you’ve desired for so long. By the time you’re an adult, the feeling of inadequacy stems from your own inner voice—that internal voice that has been with you so long.

Transforming the internal voice

It is up to you to transform the voice in your head. This may be as difficult as transforming your real father. However, it’s a relief to know that we actually have considerable control over our own thinking.

We can develop new habits of thinking and thereby create that sought-after approval or desired peace of mind. You need to catch yourself every time you have a negative thought and replace it with a positive one.

Examples

For instance, when you hear an inner voice saying, “You’ll probably botch the interview,” replace it with, “I will prepare for this interview as well as I can.”

When you say to yourself, “I’m the dumbest person here,” with “Nobody here is perfect; I’ll just do my best.”

Replace the thought, “I’m never good enough for him and he won’t appreciate me,” with a more positive thought: “Too bad for him that he isn’t able to show his appreciation, but I know I did a good job.”

Constructive Thinking

After fifty or a hundred thought replacements, each successive one becomes easier. After a few hundred or thousand replacements, the habit of negative thinking will have changed. It sounds like a lot of effort, but we have many thoughts a day, and it’s better to start changing our thinking now than continue with negative thinking.

Constructive thinking, which is encouraging, useful, and pleasant, will become more automatic, and you will no longer crave or need approval from the outside. Ironically, when people stop craving approval from others, their confidence grows, which makes it more likely that they will gain approval from those closest to them.

by Alison Poulsen, PhD

Read “Feeling Shame: ‘I’m not worthy to be loved.’”

Read “Rebuilding your Life: ‘How do I silence their abusive voices in my head, stop being hard on myself and start living?’”