Hold on. Instead of making your first date an interview to find the perfect mate, take your time, enjoy the moment, and see how you like each other first.
Putting all your hope in the future with any person, let alone someone you hardly know, scares people away. Excessive zeal for marriage comes across as desperation or being uncomfortable in your own skin.
You might look within yourself and ask what you are hoping to attain through marriage before committing yourself to a man you hardly know.
If you go into a relationship with specific goals that involve status (getting married, having children…), your expectations of fulfillment are likely to be disappointed.
Specific expectations invite disappointment. Have fun,enjoy the moment, and see where it takes you.
There are great benefits in encouraging your partner to pursue his or her own interests, whether it involves studying the ancient Greeks or learning how to para-glide. There is nothing more loving and irresistibly attractive than having someone support you and believe in your endeavors and efforts.
Encouragement also promotes a desire to reciprocate. When your partner encourages you to pursue your interests, you’ll want him or her to pursue his or hers, whether it’s hiking or exploring petroglyphs.
Feeling threatened by your partner’s growth and education is usually based on a fear that your partner will grow beyond you. Rather than discouraging your partner, use that fear to push yourself to improve and grow.
When you encourage your partner to pursue his or her passions, it enriches both of your lives. Taking on challenges builds a healthy confidence and vitality. Wouldn’t you rather be with someone with enthusiasm for learning—someone like Astronaut Buzz Aldrin, who once said, “I have two passions: space exploration and hip hop,” than with someone who’s waiting for you at home weary and apathetic?
When you translate your desire into a need for biological gratification, it’s a turn-off. Your partner will resent feeling used to feed your self-esteem and needs. Desire out of a need to be satiated is consumptive and can never be fully satisfying to either party.
However, sexual intimacy deepens the vitality of long-term relationships and should definitely be pursued. So talk to your partner to discover how you can both deepen the intimacy between the two of you. Ask your partner what she’s feeling and express how important it is for you to have passion and intimacy on all levels in your relationship.
In addition to talking to her, change your view of sexual intimacy from one of need to one of desire. Make her feel desired, loved and cherished rather than needed.
Martin Prechtel, a Guatemalan Shaman, distinguishes between seduction—the act of getting what you want—and courting—the act of giving blessing to what you love.
This art of courting comes from desire out of abundance, which leads to more desire and intimacy for both partners. Desire out of fullness arises out of a sense of self worth and an appreciation for the other person.
Show her your love and appreciation. Share more of yourself. Remember those attributes that attracted you and TELL her. Tell her your fantasies and ask her to tell you hers. You might be pleasantly surprised.
"The Kiss" by Mimi Stuart Live the Life you Desire
No, please don’t ask that! If you have to ask, then at least say, “I know you’re crazy about me,” or “Tell me all the reasons you love me,” but say it with confidence and a smile in your eyes.
The question “Don’t you love me?” sounds needy and weak. You’ll probably get a “Yes, of course I do,” but it won’t be very satisfying, because the yearning and deprivation behind the question act as elements of coercion. There’s a sense of “You better answer ‘yes’, because if you don’t soothe my doubts, I’ll fall apart and then you’ll really have to take care of me.”
It’s human nature to be put off by neediness. Ironically, the very people who want so much to be desired and loved cause others to lose desire for them by their yearning. Instead of pressuring someone to validate you, it’s healthier to accept and validate yourself. It takes will-power, self-awareness, and a lot of practice standing on your own. While it may be tough to resist asking for validation and love, you’ll become stronger as well as more desirable to others.
"Rattlesnake Shake " Rick Vito by Mimi Stuart Live the Life you Desire
Disappointment on Valentine’s Day, whether you’re with a “caveman” or not in a relationship, reminds us to reflect on our expectations. The media’s extravagant marketing and movie moments create unrealistic expectations on both men and women. There’s no way to live up to those cinematic dramatics, at least not without set decorators and a film crew.
No single person has it all. Individuals who plan fabulous banners declaring their unrequited love emblazoned on the side of the Goodyear blimp may be lacking in other desirable qualities. Those exciting, full-of-surprise types may end up sending exotic Brazilian flowers dripping with diamonds to someone else next year—Surprise! So appreciate your caveman.
Life is too short to waste time wishing that your partner knew what your private fantasy was. Yet, if your idea of Valentine’s Day or any day is important to you, instead of playing a guessing game, suggest what you want. Say, “I’d love to be surprised one night by…” Or you can make your particular fantasy happen yourself. If you can’t fly off to Paris, then set the table with a checked cloth and enjoy some wine at home. If you don’t have a partner, you can still embrace romance and have fun with a relative or friends by creating and enjoying an evening of intimate ambiance together.
