"Starlight Serenade" by Mimi Stuart
Live the Life you Desire
So what I really meant was…
to quote Billy Crystal,
“You look MAAAHvelous!
Let’s go to dinner, the movies, or on a walk under the stars tonight.”
by Alison Poulsen, PhD
"Gloria with R.E.S.P.E.C.T." Gloria Reuben
by Mimi Stuart ©
Live the Life you Desire
If this is the general way people seem to treat you and not a specific situation of sexual harassment, then it’s worthwhile to consider how you may be unconsciously inviting others to view you in this limited way.
Early upbringing and cultural attitudes toward women affect the way individual women view themselves. They then unwittingly convey their self-perception through their demeanor and body language, sending subtle cues as to how they expect to be treated. Some may dress or carry themselves provocatively, but others may dress normally or even in a frumpy manner to hide their sexuality. Usually body language communicates even more powerful messages than exterior clothing.
What these women seem to have in common is that they don’t view themselves as deserving of respect as being valuable, whole individuals.
A woman who views herself as a worthwhile, whole human being is less likely to pull in purely sexual responses. Even if someone were to make a sexual comment, she would not feel excessively flattered or defensive about it. If an inappropriate comment were made, she would view it as a reflection of the person making the comment rather than of herself.
Women who are more vulnerable to being treated as sex objects are often sensitive to such treatment as they seem to expect it on a deeper level. Some may even seek out that kind of attention, as it may be the only way they’ve learned to get attention and validation.
This seemingly unfair cycle can be broken, (1) by becoming aware of how you may unconsciously invite others to view you in that specific way, (2) by neutralizing your reactivity to it, and (3) by gravitating toward people and situations that don’t objectify you specifically or women in general. In addition, you could learn to develop and value other aspects of your personality—for example, your intelligence, your talents, your inner strength, or your search for greater meaning.
by Alison Poulsen PhD
"Cool Hard Steel"—Adam Scott by Mimi Stuart
Live the Life you Desire
Intrigued by one another at first, opposites sometimes end up loathing the opposing qualities. When each tries to change the other, both become more deeply entrenched in their own original one-sided position.
We’ve seen relationships where the emotional partner oscillates between gushing love and fervent hatred. The logical partner of such a type often protects himself from the volatility of her emotions by detaching himself from her, exacerbating her devouring need for connection.
He thinks himself capable of analyzing relationship issues logically and correctly. Yet, his unawareness of his own secret prejudices and sensitivities makes his use of apparently cool rationality potentially pernicious. His partner may find it difficult to argue against his seemingly superior logic, which may be riddled with outbursts of irritation.
Here is a case where intense reactivity can lead couples to polar extremes. The extreme position of the each partner scares the other into a more defended posture.
If the relationship is to grow, each partner needs to integrate some of the opposite quality to become more whole. Both partners need to accept the other’s qualities, as flawed as they are, and move toward the center themselves. If one person becomes more balanced, the other is likely to follow, because there’s less need to be on the defensive.
If the emotional person were to respond with calm objectivity, it would allow the rational person to show more feeling without fearing being sucked into histrionic chaos. If the rational person were to get in touch with and express some of his own emotions, discomfort or fear, for example, the feeling person would gain compassion for him and soften her melodrama, no longer needing to get a show of emotions from him.
by Alison Poulsen, PhD
"Joy" by Mimi Stuart Live the Life you Desire
If misery loves company, what does happiness do? It turns out that happiness is infectious, at least between married to each other. Recent research shows that married men are significantly more satisfied with their lives when their wives are happy with theirs, and vice versa.
British researcher Nick Powdthavee found that in married couples happiness can overflow from one spouse to the other, even for a partner who is facing difficulties. Unfortunately, the same results were not seen among unmarried couples who lived together.
In contrast, the negative effects of constant complaining or whining are greater than intended. The intended message of regularly pointing out flawed details in one’s surroundings, like “the toaster is sticking again,” can become a different message of “I am a pain to be around and will not stop complaining until you’re as unhappy as I am.”
It may seem obvious that it’s more enjoyable to be with someone happy than angry or depressed. Yet, this research gives people another good reason to seek happiness and not feel guilty about it. Since happiness is contagious, there’s no reason to try to make others feel better by showing them that your life is just as miserable as theirs. Instead, people can welcome happiness and serenity–at least to make their spouses happy.
by Alison Poulsen, PhD
Read “Why do you need to go back to school?”
Read “I never get to go skiing anymore. My partner doesn’t like to ski.”
"Shh!" Tiger Woods by Mimi Stuart ©
Live the Life you Desire
No. Sorry to say, someone who repeatedly cheats on his or her partner is unlikely to stop.
Repeated cheating often involves a ravenous craving for both psychological validation and the dopamine high that are briefly produced in the affair. Having multiple liaisons allows a person to escape his anxieties, feel pleasure, and feel validated by being desired.
A vicious cycle of release, shame, and desire to fend off unwanted emotions by seeking release has probably been wired into his brain—it has become an addiction.
If his behavior is that of a sex addict, it has probably caused his self-esteem and average dopamine levels to be lowered. This will likely drive him to an even more desperate pursuit of the temporary high that affairs provide.
Novelty heightens the senses and intensifies passion. For someone who has affairs, the novelty lies in being with a new person.
Novelty with the same partner means having the courage to bring new meaning and depth to that relationship—to let oneself be known on a deeper level, to bring freshness to the relationship. To do these things, one must risk rejection.
It takes courage and a sense of adventure to go beyond the routine of a committed relationship, and bring the BEST of oneself to the same partner. It would be far more challenging, and ultimately rewarding, for your partner to face his fears and risk invalidation with someone who really knows him—you, OR at least to approach you honestly in discussing the troubles in your relationship.
As for any addict, it takes a great deal of motivation and courage to learn to resist seeking the quick high that the addict has found so compelling. To rewire a neurological highway requires tremendous determination to be willing to face emotional anxieties and resist physical cravings, and will likely require getting counseling and/or going to Sex Addicts Anonymous.
by Alison Poulsen, PhD
Read “Attractions outside the Marriage.”
Read “Sustaining Desire: ‘It doesn’t matter. Let’s just watch TV.’”