Category Archives: Intimacy

“How could he leave me? I did everything for him.” Being needed versus being wanted.

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"Mo' Air" Jonny Moseley by Mimi Stuart
Live the Life you Desire

There are usually good intentions of love and helpfulness behind being exceptionally useful. Yet, over-functioning by “doing everything” often stems from an unconscious impulse to increase another person’s dependence on and loyalty to the relationship.

All relationships involve some degree of dependence. For most people it’s quite nice when another person helps out. Yet, as one partner does an extravagant share of the work, the other partner may start feeling engulfed and overwhelmed by the assistance. He or she may feel encumbered with a growing sense of obligation, causing desire to be with the partner to fade.

When people become highly dependent on their partners, a sense of indebtedness bordering on guilt causes passion and intimacy to suffer. While it’s important that partners are considerate and helpful, it’s equally important to avoid letting dependency and indebtedness smother desire.

Those who tend to over-function would improve their relationships by focusing more on their own enjoyment and desires and giving their partner greater breathing room and independence. This means resisting doing everything, even at the risk that some things won’t be executed as well as they like.

As Kahlil Gibran wrote in “The Prophet,”

Love one another, but make not a bond of love: Let it rather be a moving sea between the shores of your souls.

by Alison Poulsen, PhD

Read “Four problems with helping too much.”

Dysfunctional Parents:
“My parents were so dysfunctional, I don’t even know what a good relationship looks like.”

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"Harmonic Resolution" by Mimi Stuart
Live the Life you Desire

Whether or not you can or like to dance, dancing together is a perfect metaphor for the many interactions that occur in a relationship.

Ask yourself the following questions about your relationship: Do you do the dance of relationship to enjoy and connect with your partner or just to look good in front of other people? If you’ve ever seen the Australian comedy “Strictly Ballroom,” you can clearly see the difference between the dancers with an authentic connection and those who are trying to impress the crowds with flashy smiles, choreographed moves and peacock-feathered outfits.

Are you dancing WITH your partner or just dancing nearby, hardly ever looking at him or her? Are you critical or embarrassed of your partner’s moves? Are you more concerned with your own clumsiness than with having a good time together? When one of you makes a mistake, do you move on light-heartedly, or do you crucify your partner with an angry look?

The question at the heart of this metaphor is “How can two autonomous people desiring love and intimacy sustain their passion without becoming controlling, needy, bored, or reactive?”

The “dance” in the relationship remains most sustainable when the partners do not dance in lockstep nor in their own separate worlds.

Some dancers are lost without a partner who leads or follows as expected. They are incapable of being alone and independent, and as a result, try to control the other through heavy-handedness or critical looks. Similar “symptoms” develop in a relationship. Rather than simply adapting when their partner tries something new or independent, partners afraid of autonomy tend to react with anger, humiliation, or embarrassment.

On the other hand, partners who are focused primarily on themselves and remain excessively separate may never make a true connection at all.

When we dance together we embrace a paradox—we connect with our partner while honoring each person’s individuality and letting mild miss-steps slide. It’s the same in relationships, not just romantic ones. We have to embrace the paradox of responding considerately to our partner while honoring the music within ourselves.

by Alison Poulsen, PhD

Read “Pursuit and Distancing.”

Read “Emotional Intimacy.”

Sensuality:
“I’m just not a sensual person.”

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"Paradise Café" by Mimi Stuart
Live the Life you Desire

We all are born and raised with certain attributes that we cultivate through practice, experience, and life-style. If you are born and raised to be a particular way, such as practical, spiritual, or intellectual, but not sensual, it’s not too late to develop that side of yourself as well.

Carl Jung talks about the purpose of life being to “individuate,” which means to become more whole and multifaceted by developing all sides of your personality. Once we’ve survived into adulthood, we can choose to gradually develop the parts of ourselves we have neglected, whether that entails becoming more relaxed, more directed, or more sensual, for example.

Sensuality means the enjoyment, expression, or pursuit of the physical, and the condition of being pleasing or fulfilling to the senses. People who don’t feel sensual can develop their sensuality in some of the following ways:

1. Pay attention to all of your senses. Take time to observe your surroundings, to smell the air, and to taste your food. Observe others—their energy and mood.

2. Pay attention to your body—how you feel and how you move. Giving and receiving massages, and practicing yoga, dance, and new sports are all ways that help you become aware of your body and touch.

3. Practice being in the moment. Notice when you start thinking about something else rather than being present in the moment. Practices such as meditation can be very helpful in becoming aware of and transforming automatic thought patterns that prevent full presence.

Sensuality allows you to enjoy your surroundings and your relationships, as well as to notice subtle energetic changes in yourself and others. You can connect better with people when your perceptions become more sensitive. As a result, your enjoyment of the moment and your relationships with other people will flourish.

by Alison Poulsen, PhD

Read “I’ve got needs but she pretends to be asleep.”

Defensiveness:
“What do you mean by that? You’re always attacking me!”

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"ICE" Jarome Iginla by Mimi Stuart
Live the Life you Desire

It is important to be able to stand up and defend yourself. However, the best defense does not involve acting defensively.

Being defensive means you are overly sensitivity to criticism, and are anxious to challenge or avoid it. Unfortunately, showing anxiety in the face of criticism weakens your position and often invites further criticism.

Here are three reasons not to be defensive:

1. Defensiveness weakens you and empowers the hostile person. Showing that you are anxious in the face of criticism indicates that you buy into the attack or criticism being made. Giving a heated response to a comment or criticism can make you look guilty, and gives the assailant power over you.

2. Defensiveness causes a vicious cycle of anger and hurt, resulting in escalating personal attacks. You paradoxically invite the other person to increase his or her efforts to get an explanation or apology, or make a connection, however negative it may be.

3. Defensive strategies hinder open communication and understanding between partners, and they certainly do not enhance goodwill and romance.

I’m not suggesting that you become a doormat. You might need to establish firm boundaries, but you can do so without becoming defensive. Answering comments or criticisms with less emotional heat diminishes the likelihood of hurtful, unproductive conflict.

If your emotions are getting the better of you, you can say, “I feel defensive right now. I need to calm down before discussing this. Otherwise, nothing good will come out of this discussion.” Notice that saying you feel defensive shows more self-control than acting defensively.

by Alison Poulsen, PhD

Read “I can’t deal with my husband’s anger.”

Read “Dealing with angry people.”

“You never kiss me anymore.”

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"Pisces" by Mimi Stuart
Live the Life you Desire

Many couples gradually stop kissing over time. This can be a sign that they no longer cherish each other, because indifference or resentment has insidiously invaded the relationship.

It’s important to have frank conversations about the changes in your relationship that bother you. The situation is not going to improve without broaching the subject.

If you want the truth, don’t complain, whine, or anticipate feeling hurt. Be direct, but set the stage so that your partner won’t feel attacked. You could say something like, “I like being in a relationship with affection and intimacy. I’d like to know why you don’t kiss me anymore.”

Be ready for an honest response. Hopefully, it’s something easy to deal with—maybe one of you has bad breath, in which case it’s easy to talk to a dentist or doctor.

It could be something more serious, such as lack of desire and attraction. Many things can lead to lack of desire. Here are three main areas to consider:

1. People stop being affectionate when they feel resentment, which can result from being taken for granted, treated as secondary, or dealt with in a controlling, critical way. Ask whether your attitude toward your partner is causing him or her to withdraw affection and openness.

2. People may also lose interest when their partners let themselves go, living in such a way that shows they’ve lost respect for themselves. When people don’t have the discipline or motivation to take care of themselves physically, intellectually, and emotionally, their partners generally lose desire for them.

Ask yourself whether your attitude toward yourself is inviting desire. We’re not talking about getting face-lifts and liposuction, but simply maintaining a healthy lifestyle and vibrancy about yourself.

3. Kissing may come to an end because it is too mechanical, lackluster, or insensitive. This might reflect one’s attitude toward oneself or the other person or it might be the result of not being tuned in with one’s sensuality.

Some people view kissing to be the most intimate of physical contact, revealing a person’s true sensuality. To engage in good kissing, like engaging in a good relationship, you have to be full of curiosity and appreciation while intentionally focusing on the real beauty of the person being kissed.

by Alison Poulsen, PhD

Read “I’ve got needs but she pretends she’s asleep.”