Category Archives: Intimacy

Boundaries: “Hey, how’s your dinner?”—Jab of the Fork.

Posted on by
1

"Roar" by Mimi Stuart
Live the Life you Desire

When you take a bite of your partner’s food without asking, you are crossing a boundary. That kind of intimacy may seem romantic, but the underlying assumption of entitlement can kill passion and your relationship.

Often people think that sharing food without asking is a sign of intimacy and a perk of a loving relationship. Actually, the opposite is likely to transpire. If you don’t ask AND wait for your partner’s consent, you are crossing a boundary and showing disrespect.

You might think, “We’re so close that I don’t need to ask—what’s his or hers is mine.” Yet, if there’s not enough separation and respect for a partner’s space, including his or her food, he or she will eventually feel suffocated and show resentment.

It’s these small, hardly noticeable infractions of respect that build up into passive aggressive responses and a desire for freedom and space.

It is a basic instinct to be possessive over food and belongings. One of the first things a child learns to say is, “This is mine. Don’t touch it.”

So when someone reaches across the table to take your food, you will unconsciously have a protective reaction and take offense. The voice of the unconscious will say, “Enemy—get away from my food,” though the conscious mind tries to rationalize, “We’re close, it’s okay.”

If someone asks, “May I have a bite?” then we know the request is limited, and that we still have control over our food, which appeases our inner lion. We do not feel taken for granted and have the opportunity to feel generous by saying, “Yes, try a bite.”

Ironically, respecting others’ boundaries preserves the passion of a relationship, while excessive closeness and possessiveness are the sure way to kill it.

by Alison Poulsen, PhD

Read “Setting Boundaries.”

Intimacy: “I want more intimacy and to feel closer to you.”

Posted on by
3

"Amelia" by Mimi Stuart
Live the Life you Desire

Some people who want more “intimacy” really want more validation. They think that intimacy involves one partner who discloses, while the other accepts and validates that person.

In contrast, however, a successful, long-term, passionate relationship is based on self-disclosure without expecting validation from the other person.

Other-validated intimacy

The problem with expecting validation is that we often validate our partner simply to reduce anxiety and to accommodate his or her fears and limitations. While we may tell ourselves we are reducing the anxiety of our partner, often it is really our own anxiety that we cannot tolerate when our partner is under stress.

If a partner’s inner response is “You need to figure this out on your own”…, but he or she chooses to respond out loud by nodding and smiling, the result is a deadening of the soul and a loss of passion within the relationship.

Validating our partner can temporarily improve a partner’s functioning. However, it often creates long-term problems, such as increased codependency. Codependency involves increased vulnerability to the other partner’s manipulation, an expanding obligation to ease our partner’s anxiety, and a tendency toward always presenting oneself in a particular way to get a positive reaction.

Self-validated intimacy

Self-validated intimacy, as opposed to venting, allows your partner to truly see you without imposing an obligation on him or her to validate you. It requires a certain discipline to look at yourself objectively and to accept your partner’s authentic response, whether it’s a lack of interest or disagreement.

While it’s nice to be validated by others, you are more likely to get true validation only when you don’t seek it. When you’re willing to accept a person’s honest response, then you can meet that person on a deeper, truly-intimate level. Ironically, less validation means greater intimacy and the possibility of a long-term passionate relationship.

by Alison Poulsen, PhD

Recommended: David Schnarch’s “Passionate Marriage.”

Read “My parents were so dysfunctional, I don’t even know what a good relationship looks like.”

“I’m always walking on eggshells. I don’t want to upset my partner.”

Posted on by
3

Walking on Diamonds" Astronaut Eugene Cernan
In the Permanent Collection of the Smithsonian

by Mimi Stuart ©

If you are walking on eggshells to avoid upsetting your partner, that means you are allowing yourself to be controlled by your partner’s reactivity. Of course, it’s nice to be considerate of your partner’s feelings, but not at the expense of your own.

The best relationships are between people who are “differentiated,” that is, able to be emotionally objective and separate, while at the same time being intimate and caring. Differentiation allows intense involvement without becoming infected with your partner’s anxiety, and without one person needing to withdraw or interfere with the partner.

The great psychologist Murray Bowen was the first to discuss differentiation, describing it as “living according to your own values and beliefs in the face of opposition… while also having the ability to change your values, beliefs, and behavior when your well-considered judgment or concern for others dictates it.”

Undifferentiated, or fused, couples tend to modify their behavior out of fear of their partner’s reactions. Eventually they come to feel as though they have lost who they are.

Being true to yourself when you relate to others is what makes a relationship interesting, passionate and sustainable.

So when you feel that you have to walk on eggshells, take a moment to figure out what you feel and believe. Central to differentiation is facing your discomfort with your partner’s anger, cold shoulder, or other reactivity. Learn how to be diplomatic and kind to your partner, while standing firm in being true to yourself.

When you expect a negative reaction, be prepared to accept it. If your partner becomes angry, don’t take it personally. State calmly, “You may not like my position, but this is how I feel/what I think/what I’d like to do.” Leave the room if necessary, but with a faith that you are walking on diamonds, not eggshells.

by Alison Poulsen, PhD

Read “Emotional Intimacy.”

Recommended: Kerr, M. & Bowen, M. (1988). Family Evaluation: The role of the family as an emotional unit that governs individual behavior and development. W.W. Norton & Company, Inc.: New York.

The Fear of Loss:
“I don’t want to hold myself back anymore.”

Posted on by
2

"Rugged Beauty" Squaw Valley by Mimi Stuart ©
Live the Life you Desire

Until we are willing to accept potential disappointment and heartache, having close relationships can be perilous. A willingness to tolerate loss helps us to embrace the risks and joys of love. In addition to the obvious possibility that the relationship might end or a partner might die, a degree of loss exists even when a relationship endures.

No Change

Ironically, a LACK of change in the partners also results in loss. Predictability and stagnancy cause a loss of vitality and interest in the relationship.

Imagine ten or fifteen years of marriage and raising children, when one partner decides to take up mountain climbing or go back to school for a master’s degree. Fearful of change, the other partner may feel threatened. “What do you need to do that for? It’s expensive and a waste of time,” may be his or her reaction.

Fear of how the partner will handle change might cause the would-be climber or graduate student to avoid trying a new path. As a result of maintaining the status quo, there’s a loss of growth for the individual and richness for the relationship. Resentment and regret replace possibility and dreams.

Change

Change in a partner causes a loss of the comfort and security the partners have become used to. Yet, the upside is that the relationship can develop excitement and richness by means of the individuals’ growth.

If we approach love and friendship with the understanding that there will be loss, we can avoid the regrets and lost vitality that comes from living in the clutches of fear.

Climbing up the rugged mountain of relationship takes courage but it is well worth it. Rather than following the same well-worn path, we might create new paths and find new vistas.

by Alison Poulsen, PhD

Read “Why do you need to go back to school?”

Guest Author Dr. Jennifer Freed: “Well I’m not having a sexual affair!” The Emotional Affair.

Posted on by
4

"Scott Joplin's Great Crush Collision" by Mimi Stuart
Live the Life you Desire

Emotional Affairs occur when the primary relationship has become dead or cut off in some way. Often these affairs start up in compensation for some real intimacy at home.

Many big life events trigger these affairs as people feel more needy than usual. A death in the family, children coming or going, turning big marker ages 40, 50, 60, job reentry, school reentry, financial stress, illness etc……… can all be triggers for a change in the primary relationship and an opening for an emotional affair.



SIGNS OF AN EMOTIONAL AFFAIR

1- Your friendship has secrets
2- You confide in your friend more than to your spouse
3- You have more excitement to meet/talk with friend than spouse
4- You feel more your self and freer with friend
5- You take better care of yourself before contact with friend
6- You have sexual fantasies about friend
7- You hide the amount of contact you do have from spouse
8- You give your friend special gifts and treats
9- You get into fights with your spouse about your friend
10- You want exclusive time with your friend and you keep your spouse separate from your friend
11- When you think of getting away or taking a day off you think of doing it with your friend and not your spouse
12- You are defensive about your friend’s faults to your spouse and get extra heated about any criticism
13- You are feeling more and more distant from your spouse and don’t want to deal with it
14- You start talking more to your friend about your problems in your relationship
15- You are much kinder and more forgiving with your friend than your spouse
16- You find yourself telling more and more little lies to your partner

If you can say YES to more than 6 of these signs then odds are you are on the slippery slope to an EMOTIONAL AFFAIR. The best remedy is to fully acknowledge the lapse in your primary relationship and turn all attention to repairing the primary intimacy. Everyone needs close friends and close friends are not ever a threat to a truly intimate relationship.

Dr. Jennifer Freed, Psychotherapist and Educator in Santa Barbara, California, is the author of “Lessons from Stanley the Cat,” radio show host for “Freed Up,” on Voice America, & a professor.

Read “Attractions outside the Marriage.”