Category Archives: Intimacy

Living together Part I: Manners and Boundaries —
“What’s the matter with you? Look at this mess you made!”

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"Serenity" by Mimi Stuart
Live the Life you Desire

Most of us like to come home to a place of harmony. To keep home as an oasis of peace, it helps to have manners and maintain boundaries. Here are some guidelines that work for most people.

1. Acknowledge others. Acknowledge them when they walk in the room; say “hello” and “goodbye.” Don’t take people for granted; say “please” and “thank you.”

2. Stay calm rather than being reactive. If someone’s grumpy, you don’t have to fix the problem or take it personally. Give the person space if you can. If the negative energy is overwhelming, then leave the room or say something without being offensive. “You seem unhappy. Is there something I can do for you?”

3. Seek some solitude every day and give others their privacy as well. By clearly communicating your intentions and your needs — that you need to rest or catch up on reading, for example, others will not take your isolation personally.

4. Look for the best in others and you’ll probably find it. Look for the worst, and that’s what you’ll find. If you’re the critical type, learn to let things roll off your shoulders. But if you’re the type to avoid making waves, try to speak up when things really bother you. The sooner you bring up things that upset you, the more casual and easy the conversation and relationship will be.

5. Communicate without judgment. All of us react quite differently to a friendly request than to negative criticism. Tone of voice and intention are more important than wording. “I feel a lot happier when the house is neat. I would really appreciate it if you’d clean up your dishes after you use them. And let me know if there’s something I can do differently.”

People in close quarters who are caring and thoughtful without being reactive or invasive can make living together a joy.

by Alison Poulsen, PhD

Read “Living together Part 2: Fairness”

Read “It drives my partner crazy that I’m too polite. I think he is too blunt.”

Read “You’re so irritable! Why don’t you go TAKE A HIKE and cool off!”

“Our relationship is such hard work. The spark is gone.”

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"Music of the Spheres" by Mimi Stuart ©
Live the Life you Desire

The best long-term relationships are both firmly grounded AND light hearted. Committed relationships need those fleeting moments of enjoyment to carry them through the difficult times of life.

While it’s important to discuss long-term goals and significant issues, it’s equally important to have fun and relax together on a daily basis.

When one partner continuously wants to engage in heavy and serious discussions — about relationship issues or other matters, the personal energetic relationship suffers. As a result, many couples stop being intimate, and even stop looking at each other.

Music, dancing, watching sports together, and having romantic meals are all ways to keep a personal, energetic connection alive.

by Alison Poulsen, PhD

Read “We never go dancing anymore.”

Infidelity: “Hoping and wishing my husband would give me the same love he showers on other women over ten years of infidelity.”

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Reach for the Moon by Mimi Stuart
Live the Life you Desire

To get a better perspective, imagine your situation in reverse. Suppose you were the unfaithful one having various affairs with other men, and that your husband put up with that kind of behavior for ten years. What would you think about your husband? Would you have any respect for him?

I think that the answer is “no.”

A person has more respect for someone who shows a strong sense of self-respect. To gain self-respect, it’s important to learn to set boundaries and to make decisions based on what is healthy for you rather than on wishful thinking. Ultimately, you need the courage to face your fear of life without him.

Unfortunately, your longing to stay with someone who does not treat you in a reciprocal, loving way, with respect and compassion, will not change him into someone who will love, respect, and cherish you. Staying with someone who repeatedly has affairs will only drain away any self-respect and joie de vivre you have left.

The best way to avoid having to endure such hurtful behavior from someone is not to put up with it. Ask yourself what has kept you tied to him for so long. It sounds as though it is the hope that things will improve together with a fear of moving on by yourself.

Do not be afraid to live alone. When you start choosing people and activities that enhance your life and your well-being, your strength and self-empowerment will grow. You will be amazed at what might turn up in your life. Let go of your fear, set some suitable boundaries and be prepared to walk away.

by Alison Poulsen, PhD

Read “I can’t live without him/her” by Sam Vaknin, PhD.

Read “The emotional affair: Well, I’m not having a sexual affair” by Jennifer Freed, PhD.

Guest Author Sam Vaknin, PhD
“I Can’t Live Without Him/Her.”

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"Intoxication" — Ben Hogan by Mimi Stuart
Live the Life you Desire

Dependence on other people is a kind of addiction and, therefore, fulfills important mental health functions.

First, it is an organizing principle: it serves to explain behaviors and events within a coherent “narrative” (fictional story) or frame of reference (“I acted this way because …”).

Second, it gives meaning to life.

Third, the constant ups and downs satisfy your need for excitement and thrills.

Fourth, and most crucially, your addiction and emotional lability place you at the center of attention and allow you to manipulate people around you to do your bidding.

So, while you can surely survive without your intimate partner, you believe (erroneously) that you cannot go on living without your addiction to him or her. You experience your dependence as a warm and familiar comfort zone. You are addicted to and dependent on your dependence, but you attribute its source to boyfriends, mates, spouses, children, parents – anyone who happens to fit the bill and the plot of your narrative. They come and go – your addiction remains intact; they are interchangeable – your dependence is immutable.

So, what can you do about it?

Extreme cases of codependence (known as Dependent or Borderline Personality Disorders) require professional help. Luckily, most people with dependent traits and behaviors are clustered somewhere in the middle of the spectrum of dependence.

1. Help yourself by realizing that the world never comes to an end when relationships do: it is your dependence which reacts with desperation, not you.

2. Next, analyze your addiction: what are the stories and narratives that underlie it? Do you tend to idealize your intimate partner? If so, can you see him or her in a more realistic light? Are you anxious about being abandoned? Why? Have you been traumatically abandoned in the past, as a child, perhaps?

3. Write down the worst possible scenario: the relationship is over and s/he leaves you. Is your physical survival at stake? Of course not.

4. Make a list of the consequences of the breakup and write next to each one what you can and intend to do about it. Armed with this plan of action, you are bound to feel safer and more confident.

5. Finally, make sure to share your thoughts, fears, and emotions with friends and family. Social support is indispensable. One good friend is worth a hundred therapy sessions.

by Sam Vaknin, PhD, the author of “Malignant Self-love: Narcissism Revisited” and other books about personality disorders.

Read “I want more intimacy and to feel closer to you.”

Platonic Marriage: “Once you’ve had children, romantic intimacy is not so important anymore.”

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"I'll Have What She's Having" — Meg Ryan
by Mimi Stuart, Live the you Desire

So what I really meant was…

“A long-term passionate marriage is more enjoyable and fulfilling than a platonic one. Our relationship and lives will be richer if we keep the passion and sensuality alive.”

If you’re with someone who doesn’t realize how important romantic intimacy is to sustaining a long-term passionate marriage, it’s vital that you have frank discussions together. Let your partner know that it’s important to you to be in a relationship with someone who desires you and who wants to continue to have a passionate relationship.

by Alison Poulsen, PhD

Read “Desire: ‘I’ve got needs but she pretends to be asleep.'”