Category Archives: Intimacy

Creating Trust:
“Don’t you trust me? Despite my faults, you know I love you.”

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"Fat Albert" by Mimi Stuart ©
Live the Life you Desire

Trust is as important as love in sustaining a long-term loving relationship. It’s wonderful to be affectionate and passionate. However, these qualities alone are not a substitute for trust.

Why would your partner not trust you?

Trust is influenced by two things:

1) a person’s past experiences that may have nothing to do with you, and

2) that person’s observation of your pattern of behavior.

1. Past Experiences

When people feel they have been abandoned as a child, a divorce for example where infidelity is involved, they may more easily read abandonment into the behavior of others. They have learned to expect untrustworthy behavior and project it onto people in their lives.

Projection based on past experiences is unavoidable. However, as people become more self-aware, they come to realize exactly how much of their own judgment about others is informed by their past and how much is objective. Unless they are the controlling type blaming others for everything, people tend to let go of their projections the longer they are in a relationship with someone who is trustworthy.

However, if someone is unreasonably distrustful, it’s important to defend yourself. You can do so with kindness and compassion for the pain that lingers on from that person’s past.

2. Observations of Behavior

When someone observes inconsistency in your behavior, such as coming home late without calling, you give them a reason to wonder what changes are going on in the relationship.

The ability to imagine possible negative scenarios is critical to avoiding being taken advantage of. While some people get carried away with “catastrophizing,” people do need some ability to generalize from specific events to avoid being completely naïve in dealing with others. Yet they need to verify their suspicions with the reality of a specific situation to avoid unfair jumping to conclusions.

How to Develop Trust

Trust is essential to a loving relationship. There are certain behaviors that help create trust in a relationship. They may seem mundane and more suited for keeping a job than enhancing a relationship. Yet, while these qualities don’t seem hot or alluring in themselves, they do create an essential foundation for the long-term on which to add warmth, affection, and passion.

1. Be considerate and responsible.

This includes being on time and calling when you’re late coming home.

When people are flaky, it means that they tend to follow their impulses at the expense of long-term relationships and goals. When you do what you say you will do, your friends and partner can rely on you to follow through, because they know you have the ability to resist temptation.

2. Be honest.

If your partner knows that you tell lies or hide things from others to avoid their reactivity, then it’s safe to assume that you will do the same to avoid your partner’s negative reactions. While there is room for tact and diplomacy, unnecessary fibs show that your word cannot be trusted.

When others know that you don’t tell lies or hide things, especially when the circumstances make it difficult to be honest, then they will learn to believe what you say.

3. Be fair.

Trust fades for someone who is unfair in word or action. If you complain about others behind their backs or take advantage of others, you will be viewed as untrustworthy.

Instead, try to be fair-minded in judgment of others and in doing your fair share of work.

4. Be supportive.

If people know you are on their side, then you can disagree and stand your ground without being over-reactive. When they know that they can talk openly without getting a crazed reaction from you, they will be more willing to trust you with their private thoughts. Listen before you react. Then you can be trusted to be open-minded and compassionate.

While a trusting relationship is not enough to create long-term passion, it does create the space for people to risk being open, loving, and passionate for the long-term.

by Alison Poulsen, PhD

Read “After multiple affairs, he promised he’d never cheat on me again. Can I trust him this time?”

Read “Catastrophizing: ‘I failed my test. Now they’ll know how stupid I am. I’ll never get into college and get a decent job.’”

Read “Overgeneralization: ‘You never show appreciation.’”

Should you work on yourself before getting into a relationship?

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"Copland's 'Appalachian Spring'" by Mimi Suart ©
Live the Life you Desire

Is it better to be alone or in a relationship? Should people work on themselves while by themselves or while in a relationship?

The answer differs from person to person, and changes depending on individual circumstances and within different stages of life. There are many ways to live one’s life.

For many people, the best way to develop relationship skills and learn more about themselves is within the context of a relationship — as long as the relationship is not oppressive or abusive. When they are in the world alone, everything may seem to run smoothly without complication. But they may not be challenged. Moreover, they miss out on the many rewards of relationship.

Relationships can enrich life tremendously despite their complications and difficulties. Moreover, it is while involved in a relationship that people get triggered and thus learn to view themselves through the eyes of others. How else would you discover that you are inconsiderate, overly serious, or play the victim without someone close to you pointing it out.

Relationships thus challenge us to view ourselves from someone else’s point of view. This can drive us to improve how we move in the world and relate to others.

However, for some people — particularly for those who are too easily influenced by others or anxious to please others — being alone can be a valuable growing experience. Solitude and the freedom that comes with it allow them to find out who they are rather than merely what other people want.

For instance, someone who has been brought up in the shadow of a powerful or controlling person may have learned to become so tuned into the desires and expectations of others for the sake of survival that they actually have not considered what they themselves want in life. In such cases, it’s often helpful to enjoy solitude and avoid having someone else’s opinions and demands intrude upon their quietly developing sense of self.

Ideally we learn to consider others while maintaining a sense of ourselves. Whether we are in a relationship or not, learning to have a multi-faceted perspective helps us to balance our own desires with those of others.

In a great orchestral suite, the distinct movements are arranged to create a whole, which is greater than any individual movement. At times we hear the individual instruments or sections while at times we hear how they blend together to create unique and awe-inspiring music.

by Alison Poulsen, PhD

Read ‘Loneliness: ‘I’m all alone.’”

Read “If ONLY I found the right man to love, then I would be happy.”

Read “Inner Struggle: ‘I’m tired of giving in.’”

“I’ve fallen out of love with her.”

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"Song of Spring" by Mimi Stuart ©
Live the Life you Desire

Falling in Love

Falling in love involves an unconscious as well as physical and chemical response to another person, which is much more compelling than simply finding someone to be attractive and compatible. Often, when we fall in love, we get a feeling of wholeness because we have met someone who carries qualities we lack in an irresistible way.

For example, a practical, rational man falls in love with a spiritual or emotional woman, even though most women of that type annoy him. Or a strong, assertive woman falls in love with a sensitive, artistic man, even though she finds most such men to be weak.

The conscious mind seeks similarity and is repelled by the opposite. The unconscious, however, seeks balance, and is drawn to the qualities one needs most, but only when they are expressed in an acceptable and appealing way.

Being in love creates an anticipation of fulfillment because the unconscious senses the possibility of becoming whole, if only we could integrate those unfamiliar qualities that reside in the Other without rejecting our own primary personality. The initial falling in love, like infatuation, overwhelms us with a feeling that involves a chemical response akin to being intoxicated. We’re in a state of awe and wonder regarding our partner, which often inspires our partner to feel confident, happy, and open — three enticing qualities that keep the magic going.

Falling out of Love

Later in the relationship, the chemical cocktail of oxytocin and dopamine from the initial romantic attraction wears off. At that point, unless we are the exception and continue to cherish our partner and integrate some of those needed contrasting qualities of our partner, those same qualities that drew the unconscious in often start driving us crazy. The conscious mind is back in charge, viewing our partner’s differences with negative judgment.

For example, the practical, rational man can no longer stand his partner’s emotional melodramatics. Or the strong, assertive woman is now turned off by her partner’s vulnerability.

The irony is that as partners reject those contrasting qualities, they polarize into extremes, exhibiting their opposing qualities in an increasingly unattractive way. No wonder many people ask themselves, “What happened to the person I married?”

The rational man becomes cold, causing the emotional woman to become histrionic in an effort to get him to show his emotions. When he finally does show his emotions, they are the emotions of anger and resentment, not love and compassion.

Or the strong woman becomes demanding and tough, causing the sensitive man to feel helpless and unseen. “Be a man!” she demands, which only causes him to feel utterly impotent. She loses her opportunity to gain some needed sensitivity; he misses out on developing some needed strength.

Love as a Chosen Attitude

How we treat another person affects the other person’s confidence and often causes him or her to gain or lose desirability in our eyes. The more we appreciate our partner, the more he or she carries the qualities we fell in love with in an enticing way, and thus, the more likely we are to get that loving feeling back again.

The conscious act of love involves choosing to have an attitude of appreciation for our partner, and particularly for his or her differences as we did when we fell in love. Thus, love is in large part dependent on our intention, appreciation, and action.

Invest in the Person

To reclaim the feeling of love, both partners need to choose to invest their time and energy in their relationship, particularly where their most stark differences lie. That doesn’t mean that they should spend every minute together, becoming fused and codependent. However, they both must choose to make their relationship a primary focus in their lives by doing some of the following:

1. Respect each Other: We need to speak as though the other person has influence over us, without being dismissive or condescending. We need to repeatedly interact with each other in ways that show that we think the other is competent and capable. Again, this requires that we don’t let our conscious preferences, such as being practical, sensitive, or tough, be in charge of our reactions.

2. Plan the Future: When couples no longer talk about their dreams, hopes, and plans, this often indicates that their relationship is in decline. Talking about plans for the future—this weekend, next year, and twenty years from now—creates anticipation for the future as a couple. Current difficulties are easier to deal with when couples have something to look forward to.

3. Trust: A loving relationship is based on trust, that is, on having faith that our partner is dependable, honest, and faithful. Showing faith and trust in our partner often helps develop trust. We do this by gradually disclosing more about who we are to the other person without fearing that we will be judged and rejected, and without manipulating the other person into approving and agreeing with us all the time. We must also have the discipline to avoid re-actively criticizing our partner when he or she discloses personal thoughts and feelings.

4. Enjoy: Enjoying the other person’s company with his or her differences is an important feature of love. We should get pleasure from doing things together and from supporting and caring for the other person.

5. Take Action: Doing things for another person can be an expression of love. We can create feelings of love through acting out of love, rather than passively waiting for those feelings of infatuation to overcome us. If both people are passively waiting to feel in love again, they are likely to be disappointed.

6. Be Affectionate: With loyalty, affection, and faithfulness, intimacy deepens into something even more meaningful than the initial feelings of falling in love.

7. Cultivate Passion: Sustaining passion requires intense engagement, fascination, and thinking about the other person with desire. This is something we can actively conjure up rather than passively waiting for it.

Sustaining love is an art, which requires conscious cultivation. Yet, it can be deeper, more meaningful, and just as passionate as the initial infatuation. It starts with our own conscious choice to appreciate and enjoy the differences between us.

As the rational man in our example opens his heart and expresses some emotion, his partner may learn to contain some of her emotion rather than gushing, which will benefit both partners and the relationship. As the strong, assertive woman accesses some sensitivity and restrains her desire to be in control, she makes room for her partner to become self-empowered and less driven by his vulnerability. Ideally, both partners strive for more balance within themselves, which is part of the journey toward individuation.

Often, the more we embrace and try to integrate our partner’s different way of being, the more our partner will gain a more balanced way of being as well, resulting in both partners blossoming into more whole and individuated people.

by Alison Poulsen, PhD

Read “We broke up because of sexual incompatibility.”

Read “I always fall madly in love; we do everything together; and then, out of the blue, I get dumped.”

Read “Falling in Love & the Unconscious: ‘I’m crazy in love. But friends say I’m setting myself up to be rejected again.’”

“We broke up because of sexual incompatibility.”

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"Vivace" by Mimi Stuart ©
Live the Life you Desire

Sexual attraction is one of the key reasons people start dating. As individuals get to know each other, character flaws or incompatibility may start to get in the way of a harmonious relationship. Such conflict often carries itself into the bedroom, but it usually doesn’t start there.

The loss of sexual attraction may be one of the ultimate reasons for breakups. But most of the time both breakups and the the loss of sexual attraction result from underlying relationship dynamics, which have caused a sense of distance, monotony, or contempt in the relationship.

1. Distance: When couples walk on eggshells, spend no time with each other, or stop taking care of themselves either physically or emotionally, intimacy vanishes.

2. Monotony: When partners stop treating each other as attractive and special they often end up feeling like brother and sister—without desire for one another. When a couple stops making the effort to create a romantic atmosphere, the relationship becomes pedestrian.

3. Contempt: When partners criticize each other or one acts superior, the toxicity of contempt destroys love and passion. How can you feel open and confident with someone who treats you with contempt?

Sex as a window into the relationship

A couple’s sexual relationship is a window into their general relationship. Generally, one partner’s sexual disinterest or dysfunction is a symptom of the entire relationship not just the individual. Note that even in a marriage where sex has stopped, the way in which celibacy develops reveals the emotional dynamics occurring within the relationship. For example, one partner may be needy emotionally, while the other has become sexually distant, or one has become so critical or irritable that the other withdraws physically.

How does a couple rekindle desire and passion in a marriage that has grown cold?

Igniting passion is the inverse of extinguishing it. Couples need to

1. Spend some enjoyable time with each other, which means they must take care of themselves to enhance the vitality they bring to the relationship,

2. Treat each other as desirable and special, and

3. Be accepting of one another, avoiding criticism and contempt without having to hide their true thoughts and feelings.

Differentiation

“Differentiation” enables a person to break the negative patterns, which destroy passion and intimacy over the long-term. The more differentiated partners are, the more potential they have for sustaining long-term passion and intimacy.

Differentiation means having the ability to calmly withstand the tension of anxiety—anxiety caused by disagreement, vulnerability, or embarrassment. Handling anxiety without being reactive—withdrawing suddenly, lashing out angrily, or falling apart—is crucial in developing and sustaining emotional and sexual intimacy.

To sustain passion, then, couples need to move from gridlock to compassionate dialogue when issues are worth discussing. They need to actively have the intention to see the best in the other person, and to bring the best of themselves forward, particularly when the going gets rough.

Differentiation permits people to maintain their own course when lovers, friends, and family pressure them to agree and conform. Well-differentiated people can agree without feeling like they’re “losing themselves,” and can disagree without feeling alienated and embittered.

When partners can develop differentiation, then sexuality holds the potential for expressing profound intimacy and love.

by Alison Poulsen, PhD

Read “You never kiss me anymore.”


Read “Intimacy: ‘I want more intimacy and to feel closer to you.’”


Read “Positive Bonding Patterns: ‘We never fight, but we don’t talk anymore and there’s no more passion.’”

Happiness:
“We must have a terrible marriage because I’m so unhappy.”

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"BLISS"— Theo Fleury by Mimi Stuart ©
Live the Life you Desire

When you’re unhappy, you tend to target those closest to you. When you feel depressed and anxious, it’s easy to conclude that your marriage (or work or the place you live) is undesirable and a failure. The assumption is that “If I were happy in my marriage, I wouldn’t feel so miserable.”

A vicious cycle commences, as unhappiness is terribly contagious. You blame those closest to you for your unhappiness, which causes them to feel defensive. Defensiveness furthers mistrust and misery, making it more difficult to feel loving and happy.

Before wrecking your relationships by blaming those around you, it’s wise to remember that your emotions fluctuate, and are dependent on a large number of factors having nothing to do with your partner. Simply changing your spouse rarely leads to long-term happiness. Moreover, a downcast emotional state rarely motivates a person to make the right changes required for happiness.

What’s needed for improving your happiness is a multifaceted, holistic approach. Research shows that the following key factors are involved in being happy:

1. Eating healthy foods provides the needed vitamins that affect brain chemicals and vitality; those include all the essential amino acids as well as vitamin D, which you can get from sunshine, food, or vitamins. Avoiding excessive sugar, fats, junk, nicotine, and alcohol can have a dramatic effect on happiness levels. People eating high-fat and sugary foods have been shown to be 58 percent more likely to suffer from depression than those who eat a healthy, balanced diet.

2. Exercising frequently increases serotonin, which, at too low a level, has been associated with depression and anxiety. Among other benefits, exercise is key to overcoming a lack of seratonin.

3. Activating positive behavior is one of the principal therapies used for depression. It means putting yourself out there to do the things that are enjoyable for you, even if you don’t feel like it, as well as being optimistic and smiling at others, which is proven to affect one’s state of mind.

4. Seeking inner peace either through meditation, spirituality, or other calming practices has a great affect on one’s happiness.

5. Cultivating good relationships with your partner, family, friends, and community (or having a pet) contributes tremendously to your happiness. Accepting others and feeling accepted, as well as being respectful and loving, are the best ways to enhance your connection with others.

6. Pursuing your passions, whether creative, spiritual, or athletic endeavors, enhances joy and vitality.

7. Meaningful work, particularly contributing to others, if you have time, has been shown to be one of the most life-enhancing activities. There’s nothing like helping a wounded warrior who has lost a limb to practice a new sport for finding connection and joy and forgetting about your own malaise in life.

8. Eliminating negative emotions and thoughts is critical to experiencing purposeful happiness. Once you start implementing the above seven factors toward happiness, it will be easier to eliminate negative emotions such as anger, resentment, and blame. You will also have less time for negative thinking such as perfectionism, black-and-white thinking, and projection – “I’m unhappy, therefore my marriage is terrible.”

In this fast-paced world of impulsive decision-making, many people wreck relationships before working on the multifaceted essentials to meaningful personal happiness.

Of course there are situations when a relationship is in serious trouble, e.g., having a partner who shows no interest in making the relationship work. However, for your own peace of mind, it’s worth the effort to incorporate the many various keys to happiness in your daily life first before making life-changing decisions. You may tap the well to happiness, and thereby change the dynamic of your marriage, because happiness turns out to be contagious too.

by Alison Poulsen, PhD

Read “What is there to be cheerful about?”

Read ‘Guest Author Roswitha McIntosh: In Search of the Good Life. ‘If only life weren’t such a struggle!’”

Read “My life has no purpose or meaning.”

Recommended: “How to be Happier” by Paul Jenner.