Trust is developed over time by observing a person’s behavior. A good indicator of trustworthiness is a person’s ability to resist immediate impulses. Take note of the following:
• Does she have impulse control?
• Is he able to resist short-term gratification in order to pursue long-term fulfillment?
• Does she flake out on promises because something more fun, lucrative, or interesting popped up?
• Did he fail to follow through because he just didn’t feel like it?
Generally, people who can control their immediate impulses in one area can control them in most other areas, an exception being for vastly different spheres of enticement. For example, some people care much more about their own physical sensations than the feelings of other people, or vice versa. So someone who might never succumb to an extramarital affair might give in to her weakness for indulging in chocolate, and vice versa.
Being trustworthy in a relationship means that we keep the trust of others sacred, knowing they are vulnerable if we betray them.
So rather than asking someone “Can I trust you?”, take note of their behavior. If you see that someone is impulsive, has cheated before, or tends to be dishonest in order to gratify their immediate desires, then it’s very likely that that person won’t be able to resist a similar set of temptations in the future.
Distrust should prevent you from counting on someone to behave differently from their past. Distrust should not lead you to live in a state of suspicious and fearful wishful thinking. So if someone’s behavior doesn’t lead you to trust them, avoid getting into a relationship with them where you need to trust them. Otherwise, you’ll live in a constant state of naïveté and disappointment, or fear and anger.
Unfortunately, sometimes people who are trustworthy can deviate from their norm. There are no guarantees in life. We have to be ready to handle whatever comes our way as best we can.
Yet, if someone’s past conduct indicates trustworthiness, don’t waste time living in a state of suspicion and fear. Give them your trust, while remaining aware. If someone has been trustworthy, enjoy the fact that you can trust him or her.
I’m not upset that you lied to me, I’m upset that from now on I can’t believe you.
Separate vacations may, indeed, signify the beginning of the end of your relationship – or serve as a boost to its quality and durability. It all depends on several factors:
1. Topical vs. recreational vacations
If your wife is addicted to chess and you can’t stand the game, she has the right to travel to attend a tournament in another city. If you are an expert skier and your spouse prefers more sedentary pursuits, why drag her along to your ski resort? Separate vacations that are centered around the hobbies and interests of the “absconding” parties are legitimate and should not threaten the stability of the marriage or the relationship. On the contrary: your intimate partner is likely to return rejuvenated and to miss you to boot.
Not so with recreational vacations. These should be shared. The pressures of modern life – careers, kids, financial stressors – make intimacy and pleasurable memories scarce commodities that should be hoarded. Quality time together in a romantic ambience is indispensable.
Ideally, there should be a balanced mix of both types of vacations: separate and joint. Spending every waking minute together is a recipe for marital disaster. But drifting apart into a private universe with experiences and memories that are not shared with your partner is likely to lead to a breakup.
2. Traveling mates
Going on a separate vacation with friends of the opposite sex is a no-no. Issues of trust and romantic jealousy are bound to rear their ugly head.
3. Length of vacation
Separate vacations should not exceed a few days, preferably on a weekend. Distance makes the heart grow fonder, but a fortnight of separation may break it – and the relationship – altogether.
4. Fairness and reciprocity
Separate vacations should not “break the bank” and consume the entire family budget leaving nothing in the till for the non-vacationing spouse and for a future shared vacation.
While away, the non-vacationing partner has to assume the vacationing partner’s chores. It is only fair to reciprocate by assuming some of his chores in return and upon return.
5. Trust and cheating
It is far easier to cheat on a vacation. The combination of anonymity in a strange place, the thrill and excitement of the unfamiliar, and the proximity of potential mates may prove irresistible. Summer flings are a well-documented phenomenon, for instance.
Which leads me to my last point: 6. Quality of the relationship
The accepted wisdom is that separate vacations are ill-advised when the relationship is tottering on the verge of dissolution. My view is different: separate vacations allow the partners in such a dysfunctional liaison to re-experience being single and to re-consider their propensity to break up with their current partner.”
The short and the long of it is that there is no way to prevent your wife from cheating on you if she is so inclined. But, this applies even when she is not on a vacation! Cheating can occur any time, at any place!
Some palliatives include:
– Your wife can update you frequently as to where she is; what she is doing; and with whom;
– Your wife can agree not to consume alcohol or drugs while away (to avoid disinhibition and tricky situations);
– Your wife can refrain from including herself in potentially compromising situations.
Ultimately, whether she cheats on your or not depends on the strength on your relationships and the trust that underlies it. Still, studies have demonstrated conclusively that, given the right circumstances with the right person, people – men and women alike – would cheat, even if they are in a perfectly happy and healthy relationship. This is just one of those sad facts of life.
Being compliant vs being desirable. When desire takes a back seat!
The fear of being alone causes some people to pursue the security that comes from being needed rather than the vulnerability that goes with being desired. Thus, they may become overly compliant to avoid any potential friction.
Then one day, they wonder, “What happened to the passion and desire in our relationship?” Anxiety: fear, passion, desire
Both fear and passion involve anxiety about the unknown. When you feel the excitement of desire, it’s anxiety that heightens a person’s senses and awareness. However, when we focus on our fear, intense anxiety can block our emotions. Excitement transforms into distress and triggers the freeze or flight response. So when the level of anxiety rises too high for a person’s comfort level, desire disappears.
The greater your tolerance for withstanding anxiety of the unknown, the greater is your horizon to experience desire.
Partners lose desire and passion for each other when their fear of their partner’s reactions exceeds their ability to handle anxiety. Their fear of rejection by their partner stops them from evolving, transforming, and being creative. They become a slave to their worry about how their partner will react to new ideas or behaviors. Thus, they avoid any change that might result in discomfort for either partner.
For example, they may give up on expressing their desires, such as, “It means a lot to me to take dancing lessons/go out on date night/share more intimacy.”
They attempt to preclude potential rejection and loss by taking no risks at all. No risk, no reward. It’s easier to watch TV every night than to rock the boat and pursue your desire to go dancing or to increase intimacy with your partner. When people relate to each other in order to avoid anxiety, they quickly lose desire and passion for one another, or they seek new partners once a relationship gets too mundane.
Fear of rejection and loss
The pursuit of desire and passion in long-term relationships feels risky, because it opens us up to potential embarrassment, loss and disappointment. Yet, when fear of change and growth dominates a person’s outlook, the result is that relationships become stagnant and lackluster. Desire cools and soon disappears.
We have to be willing to tolerate the anxiety of not knowing whether we will experience rejection and disappointment – because at times we will – whether we take the risk or not. Accepting the possibility of heartache and disenchantment allows us to expose ourselves to the risks of desire. The benefits of facing our fear of change is more growth and vitality in our lives, more excitement and enjoyment in relationships, and fewer regrets at the end of our lives.
Desire out of wholeness and not need
Desire out of wholeness arises out of a sense of self worth and desirability, rather than a need for validation or security. An appreciation of our own value is not a narcissistic sense of vanity, but a feeling of gratitude for the blessings we are endowed with. People become more attractive when they have sufficient self-confidence (and perhaps a sense of humor) that they are willing to expose themselves to both “success” and “failure”. You cannot have one without exposing yourself to the potential for the other.
With the ability to tolerate the excitement as well as the discomfort of growth, desire and passion are the product of the process of re-creating ourselves while also honoring our partner in his or her growth and exploration of life.
Long-term intimate relationships bring out a person’s strengths and weaknesses and therefore can offer tremendous opportunities for growth.
Development of personality traits
People tend to develop certain personality traits and habits as a way to thrive in their childhood environment. People become introverts or extroverts, serious or fun-loving, accommodating or contrarian in response to a confluence of factors. The culture we are raised in, family structure and dynamics, critical events, and genetic disposition all contribute significantly to the way we behave. For example, we may navigate through life by blending in and not making waves, by withdrawing into books and our own imagination, or by being active and engaging the people around us.
Undeveloped traits
Our primary personality traits feel as though they are who we are. “I am quiet.” “I am outgoing.” But they are only part of who we are—the part of us that is the most highly developed, the most practiced, and the most ingrained in our neuro-network.
As a result of developing certain qualities, we generally tend to neglect opposing qualities. For example, an introvert feels comfortable alone but awkward at social events. An extrovert feels comfortable with people, but feels bored and empty when there’s no outside stimulation.
Usually, we feel satisfied with our personality traits until life somehow reminds us of how limited we are. Trauma, tragedy, life struggles, and falling in or out of love are the most common events that challenge us to become more whole and balanced human beings. These are often the turning points in our lives.
Polarization
It so happens that we often fall in love with someone who holds some of the qualities we have neglected or pushed aside. After the initial stage of falling in love, people often polarize, that is, they step back into the personality traits they feel comfortable with and accentuate those qualities in response to their partners’ opposing qualities.
For example, the introvert complains, “Can’t you ever stop having a good time and just sit down with me?” While the extrovert retorts “Why don’t you ever talk to new people?” When your primary personality traits are attacked, you become entrenched in the defensive. Each drives the other into more extreme positions, causing a downward spiral in the relationship. Questioning turns into attacking. “You never go out!” says the extrovert. “You can’t sit still!” says the introvert. Finding Balance
Given sufficient necessity or desire to evolve, people have an opportunity to mitigate their extreme natures, to avert the frustration and disappointment that so often follows the fire of a romantic or intriguing beginning triggered by the attraction of those opposites. Here are three keys to developing balance in oneself and in the relationship.
1. Develop the other side.
We have to consciously work on ourselves to become more balanced if that is desired. Without swinging to the opposite extreme, we should consciously develop the other side. Someone who is sweet and accommodating should start making the difficult phone calls rather than asking his or her partner to do so, e.g., dealing with the lawyers and accountants, or making the call to someone who has charged too much. Someone who is tough and direct can try to show some compassion.
2. Honor the other person’s differences.
We must appreciate, and not belittle, our partner’s opposing personality trait. Contempt simply puts the other person on the defensive. People are more likely to risk change when they feel support and love.
3. Lovingly encourage the other person’s attempts to develop new trait.
We can encourage, but not force or manipulate, our partner to develop the new trait. Encouragement works best when it is light-hearted and lacks emotional heat or pressure. It is also important not to criticize or make fun of our partner when he or she is attempting new skills.
Romantic relationships with intimate partners (significant others) are comprised of three components:
I. Mate Selection (Choice)
II. Relationship Model or Hypothesis
III. Termination Triggers
Mate selection is critical, of course, but even more important is to ensure compatibility between the mate selected and the model of relationship one has in mind. There are as many types of relationships as there are couples and one would do well to define precisely how one would like to live her life with her spouse. An open marriage calls for one kind of partner and a traditional one calls for another. Mismatches between the personality, character, and temperament of the members of the couple and the relationship model they have adopted are often the main fount of trouble, gnawing at the foundations and leading to the disintegration of the pair.
Yet, even when one’s mate, partner, or spouse has been selected with care to perfectly fit the relationship one has in mind – some relationships crumble. This is because the members of the couple have disparate “termination triggers” and abandonment anxiety thresholds. Insecurities, fears, and codependence often rise to the surface and lead to self-defeating behaviours, such as preemptive abandonment; (“I will walk away before he does.”)
Romantic, intimate relationships are comprised of various dimensions, functions, and axes. Deconstruct your past relationships in order to avoid mistakes in future ones.
Ask yourself:
How do you perceive the role of your relationships in fostering your personal growth and in attaining your life’s goals? This is known as your Personal Narrative.
Which of these internal and external functions matter to you most in your romantic relationships (use your answers construct a prioritized list)?
— Experiencing Love: romantic, “mature” (as distinct from mere and fleeting infatuation)
— Being desired, chosen, focus of attention/adulation
— Being exclusive/monogamous
— Excitement, thrill — to counter boredom
— Stability, safety, predictability, reliability — to counter anxiety
— Mirroring (emphasizing and sharing similarities)
— Personal growth enhancement
— Giving/Receiving
— Conformity (enhancing your social acceptability)
— Conferring social status
— Sexual Availability
— Non-sexual intimacy
— Procreation (having children)
— Companionship (unrestricted and immediate physical and mental availability of another person with whom one shares the same range of opinions, interests, and pursuits.)
— Friendship (deep, all-pervasive bonding to another person, involving full, unmitigated trust, a great measure of non-sexual or also sexual intimacy and the pursuit of the mutual well-being and happiness of both parties.)
Then proceed to identify your Commitment Triggers:
What is it that determines whether a prospective partner would end up being a one-night stand or your life-long spouse?
What are your Relationship Predictors?
Commit to paper (or screen) everything that your inner voice tells you when it says: “this maybe the one” and when it guesstimates how long the relationship is likely to last.
List your expectations of yourself and of your partner and generate a coherent Expectations (“what to look for”) Profile.
Determine how you test for reciprocity. Is it a quid pro quo type of ledger or accounting approach? Is it more diffuse, synoptic test?
How do you build trust in the context of your relationships? Do you share information with your partner? Are you more into “information discovery” (not to put too fine a point on it: spying)? Do you constantly gauge and test his reliability and responsibility? To what extent are you self-aware of your own good and bad qualities, fortes and limitations or shortcomings?
Sexual Trajectory:
What is the frequency of sex throughout the life of your typical past relationship? Are you sexually creative, imaginative, and inventive? Do you initiate or merely respond to advances and cues? Do you frequently end up finding yourself in sexless relationships? Are you mostly sexually available – or withdrawn? To what extent do gender roles express themselves in your sex life with your intimate partner? What about social, religious, and cultural strictures and biases?
Relationship Horizon
The partners’ expectations regarding the longevity of the relationship determines the relationship style. Do you expect your relationships to last, or are you doubtful, pessimistic, cynical, and fatalistic from the get-go?
Proximity – Spatial
Are you into cohabitation or otherwise sharing the same premises or area? Or, would you rather live in separate apartments and schedule your encounters? What role does territoriality play in the thriving and survival of your relationships?
Proximity – Temporal
Do you need to do everything together with your partner (clinging) or can you give him/her space? (Synchronous interactivity or time-delayed interaction)
Do you immediately progress from casual acquaintance to full-fledged commitment – or do you give it time and proceed incrementally, carefully, and gradually? Role Allocation
Who decides on the allocation of roles in the couple and how are they allocated? Do you typically talk over your roles (functions and responsibilities) and reach an agreement (explicit role allocation) or do you leave it to “life” and play it by ear (role allocation by emergence)?
Role Specificity
Once the roles in your relationships are defined are they “cast in stone” (rigid) – or subject to change as circumstances change and both of you grow and develop?
